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Slime-related Psychokinetic Event: Islanders sign PTO Seidenberg for rest of season

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You are like the buzzing of flies to him!

Vigo, you have been a bad monkey.

After analyzing a mysterious 50-foot portrait for the entire season, the Islanders have signed the 135-year old spirit living inside of it, defenseman Dennis Seidenberg, to a contract according to reports.

Contract terms and PKE levels for the deal have yet to be officially announced, but early reports have the salary terms on part with a Class III specter.

Seidenberg, also known as Seidenberg the Cruel, Seidenberg the Torturer, Seidenberg the Despised, Seidenberg the Unholy, the Scourge of Carpathia, the Sorrow of Schwenningen and The Landlord of Barzal, played the last two seasons with the Islanders after signing as a free agent in 2016 following that year’s World Cup of Hockey. The team didn’t re-sign him this last off season, but the painting containing his ghost had been a regular fixture at the team’s practice facility all season.

The defensive-oriented Seidenberg has played 859 games in his 15-year NHL career and has been poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disembowled, and drawn and quartered during that time. He also won a Stanley Cup with the Bruins in 2011.

Upon haunting the Islanders via portrait last fall, Seidenberg prophesied his potential return to corporeal form. “Death is but a door. Time is but a window. I’ll be back,” he said in training camp. Reports also indicate that there is almost no difference in skating speed between the actual Seidenberg and the cursed painting of him.

The NHL trade deadline is Monday at 3 pm. The surprising Islanders are currently in first place in the Metropolitan Division, but could use some more scoring help. New head coach Barry Trotz has installed a stingy defensive structure and goalies Robin Lehner and Thomas Greiss have been lights-out all season. Other Metro teams like the Blue Jackets, Capitals and Hurricanes have already added significant pieces prior to the deadline.

Will Islanders fans be upset if the team’s “big” add is an ancient defenseman who hasn’t played all season? Is the atomic weight of cobalt 58.9?

(Chances are this contract is just so the loyal Seidenberg can collect an NHL paycheck for a few months after helping out in practices. Beats working kids’ birthday parties, I guess).

The Islanders had a history of resurrecting known free-roaming phantoms and full-torso apparitions under the Garth Snow regime. It looks like Lou Lamoriello has decided to keep the capture and containment business going.

On a mountain of skulls, in the castle of pain, he sat on a throne of blood! What was will be! What is will be no more! Now is the season of evil, injuries and expanding rosters.