Zeitgeist: Capitals players banned from DC after Cup celebration debauchery

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After more than 48 hours of non-stop partying, revelry, destruction, mayhem and extensive public alcohol consumption, all members of the Stanley Cup champion Washington Capitals hockey team have been officially prohibited from entering city limits until further notice, district police announced today.

The celebration of the franchise winning its first ever NHL title quickly turned chaotic as the Capitals paraded the historic trophy throughout Washington in a haze of drunken disorder and property defilement. The Caps defeated the expansion Vegas Golden in Game 5 of the Stanley Cup final on Saturday night and brought Sin City back east with them, keeping the post-game party going for an incredible two days with no signs of stopping.

“While we understand their excitement at winning their first championship, these players have defied the laws of physics, nature and Arlington County and must be held accountable,” DC police chief Cyril Busskhill said in a statement. “Every law enforcement agency in the city has been ordered to apprehend any and all Capitals players on site and promptly escort them to the city limits.

“For the safety of our citizens and our city, the Capitals victory celebration must be curtailed as soon as possible.”

Since Game 5 ended, the Caps have been a wrecking ball. In Las Vegas, they left a “booze-soaked locker room” and pranced the Stanley Cup through casinos and down the famous strip. Night clubs were commandeered and stages and dance floors were packed with Capitals players drenching each other and anyone in their immediate vicinity in a tidal wave of alcohol.

After passing the Cup (and the Grey Goose) around the team plane on the flight back from Vegas, the Capitals touched down at Dulles International Airport where a throng of fans, also still euphoric over the team’s first championship, were waiting to join the party. The flight was stuck on the runway for two hours after landing, and a full report of what happened inside is being withheld by the team’s legal council at this time.

Capital Chaos

It was back home where the anarchy really kicked into high gear. Parties raged into the night, and spilled over into a Washington Nationals baseball game the next day. Captain and Conn Smythe Trophy winner Alex Ovechkin hoisted the Cup before and randomly throughout the game, and most of those in attendance appeared to not know or care what was even happening on the field (the Nationals beat San Francisco 7-5).

Like a tropical storm gaining steam into a hurricane, the Capitals continued to spin with more and more velocity. Antics spilled out onto the streets of DC including into fountains, where several players, including Ovechkin, dove and frolicked shirtless in water installations not meant for public swimming.

Environmental agencies are still testing the water in the fountains for trace amounts of alcohol, urine, vomit or any other bodily fluids left behind by the culprits.

A stop by Georgetown University saw the Capitals consume the entirety of the school’s historic stash of beer kegs and devour unhealthy volumes of alcohol in record time. While the stunt drew the attention of campus security, it also resulted in Ovechkin immediately being named president of all current fraternities and sororities, per the university’s by-laws.

By the time the massive mob reached local DC bar/restaurant Don Tito, players had already hijacked the entire building, and had the Cup on the roof, where the 125-year-old trophy dangled precipitously over the edge and flirted with complete destruction.

It was at this point that police were called in and riot squads were dispatched throughout the city to help contain the Capitals menace. A few players were captured when they stopped to swap clothing with random fans or get commemorative tattoos. But several players remain at large, including Ovechkin, who was last seen dressed as a pirate and driving a convertible luxury car driving away from the chaos.

Even the Capitals mascot was caught in the maelstrom. Slapshot the Eagle was detained by Pentagon Police for attempting to break into the building a steal tapestries from the D-Day exhibit on the third floor. He’s being held without bail at the Smithsonian’s Bird House awaiting arraignment.

Lasting Impact

No NHL team has ever had its players banned from its home arena before, and the league, team and local authorities won’t finalize all the details of the confinement until all of the players have been apprehended. If the players can’t be allowed into Capital One Center beginning next season, legal experts believe the franchise might have to relocate back to Landover, Maryland, where it played in the Capital Centre from 1974 to 1997. The building was demolished in 2002, but laws in Prince Georges County may allow for the Capitals to continue playing even with the warrants out for them.

“This is an unprecedented situation, and we’re open to working with local authorities to make sure a fair resolution is reached,” NHL deputy commissioner Bill Daly said in an email.

Daly said that while the league is greatly concerned about the situation, it is waiting for the Capitals to repeat as champions before calling in the National Guard.

The police actions and quotes are completely fake. The debauchery is real and spectacular.