WeCoach™ App to Revolutionize NHL Coaching

"Ladder I just checked the WeCoach app and apparently I've messed up." - James Guillory-USA TODAY Sports

Are you an analytics darling? Can you prove that you know the finest ways to review fancy stats and apply them to your favorite hockey team? If you answered yes to these questions, you'll be excited to learn about the NHL's newest revelation: The WeCoach™ app.

WeCoach does away with traditional coaching and allows you, the data-loving fan, to make every coaching decision throughout the game. Soon every line combination, every shift, and every minute of ice time for every player will be determined by thousands of fans like you tapping on their phones.

Decisions will be fed instantly to your coaching staff, who will be watching their digital devices from behind the bench, obediently awaiting your instruction. The only orders they can call out are yours!

When Can I Try?

The WeCoach app is ready for testing, and will be officially launched at the start of the 2018-19 preseason for all teams. It's a free app, but there is one catch: If you hope to be a user, you must first qualify by scoring in the 95th percentile or higher on a 340-question standardized exam that tests your knowledge of advanced stats and the game of hockey (don't worry, early testers are saying it's a breeze).

Additional Features

Data lovers who still enjoy the entertainment aspect of the game should try the histriONICS™ tab. Tapping this tab will open a list of "action" commands for your coach to carry out, including:

Clap hands
Adjust necktie
Fold arms
Place hands on hips
Scribble on dry-erase board
Shake head and glower silently at referee
Shake head and glower silently at player
*Consume digestive aid
*Go on epic in-game tirade
*Go on epic post-game tirade

*Command available for premium users only.


To find out more about WeCoach, we asked its first three registered users to answer some questions

User 1: allstatz_011010

Q: Why is WeCoach such a good idea?

A: Well, as a fan with sweet, predictable, fail-proof data at the ready, I always know exactly which players should be deployed at every moment of every game. So of course it's a good idea. Numbers never lie.

Q: What if a player is just having a bad game?

A: I don't follow.

Q: You know, because they're human beings and every player gets hot and cold.

A: You mean temperature-wise? I just pulled up some data saying that human beings are usually pretty level at 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.

Q: No...

A: Oh wait, is that what they mean when they say a coach "takes the temperature of the room"? Yuck. That makes me uncomfortable.

Q: No. I mean sometimes a player just doesn't perform up to his normal level, while other times he plays even better than expected.

A: You're making no sense.

Q: What I'm saying is that there are variations, because we're all human.

A: That's so annoying. I hate the fact that the players on my favorite team are people with actual bodies and brains that go through millions of different biological and chemical processes which might affect their on-ice performance at any time.

User 2: bassmintdweller23

Q: What if different WeCoach users want their coach to do different things?

A: What do you mean?

Q: Well, you have to imagine that some WeCoach users will not agree with the amount of ice time that a certain player is getting, or what the line combinations should be.

A: But the data is always clear. It never fails. Every user will look at the data and easily see the one and only option that will yield the best result.

Q: What if a player is tired? Or just not feeling mentally sharp?

A: Yeah, but you can't blame the data for that. You know, I'd be a lot happier if we could also control what the players did when they were on the ice. Can you make an app for that, too?

User 3: 54percentwin

Q: Aren't coaches important?

A: I mean, it's clear that all coaches stink. Even the best ones lose hundreds of games throughout their careers. So what's the point of letting them coach? I'm sure my team will win a lot more games if fans like me are in charge.

Q: Won't fans of other teams also think that their team will win a lot more games if fans like them are in charge?

A: I guess so.

Q: But then which teams will lose games?

A: The teams with the least amount of fans who know fancy stats, I guess.

Q: You know, they say that sometimes the better team doesn't win.

A: That's a stupid saying.

Q: But true.

A: All I know is that I hate when my team wins a game when the data says they had more than a 50% chance of losing. Then I have to stay up for hours analyzing the fancy stats to try and find an explanation as to why they won.

Q: And if you can't find an explanation?

A: ...

Q: Hello?

A: I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Q: So you'd rather have your team lose the game if they're the statistical underdog?

A: Oh, I'd much rather have my team lose predictably than win unpredictably. When unpredictable things happen in a hockey game, I get nervous. And scared.

Q: In that case, do you remember the time Eric Boulton scored on a breakaway?

A: Don't say that.

Q: Or the time Mick Vukota scored a hat trick?

A: Stop!

Q: Or the time that sports team was down three games to zero in the playoffs, but won the next four games in a row to win the series?

A: I'm not listening! La la la la la!

Visit the WeCoach site now and take the exam. In no time at all you too can be the coach of an NHL team—while maintaining complete anonymity!

The app described here is not real, but it probably will be someday.

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