Cappy’s Final Pre-Gamer: Say goodbye to the Prime Timeline

(Ed. Note: Over the last few seasons, Lighthouse Hockey community member Les Beaver has been posting completely fictitious, dramatized Jack Capuano pep talks that have delighted readers no matter how the team was playing. Sometimes, we’ve front-paged them to highlight the awesomeness. With Capuano now fired by the Islanders, this stands as the spectacular conclusion to a grand tradition and character that could only exist at this site. Where we go from here is anyone’s guess. Thanks to Les and “Cappy” for all of the laughs.)

Cappy: Hey, what are you doin’ here, I was just about to stath the pre-gamah.

Clutterbuck: (from down the hall) PREGAMER!

Snow: Jack – I don’t know how to say this, but I’m sorry, you’re fired.

Cappy: Damn right. I’m fired – FIRED UP. Let’s do this.

Snow: No – like, I have to let you go.

Cappy: Let me go? This ain’t no sappy love story, Gahth. It’s hockey. What are you talking about?

Snow: No, dammit, you don’t… You don’t work here anymore. You’re not the head coach.

Cappy: So I don’t gotta be behind the bench tonight?

Snow: No, you don’t.

Cappy: How about tomorrow?

Snow: No, Jack. I’m sorry, but –

Cappy: So basically, I ain’t got a job?

Snow: Correct.

Cappy: (Talks into watch) OK boys, Plan A is happenin’. I repeat, Plan A is a go. Mahty, get the arrangements for Vegas and grab some cold ones. Johnny, make an appointment with that doctah that’ll write you a note for the rest of the season. Matty – bring the time machine out front of the Coliseum, I’ll be out in two. OK Gahth, well, thanks for the job and all that. Gotta admit, didn’t think I’d make it this long. I gotta go collect from a bunch of guys that bet against me. Also gotta pay a few that had faith in me, but that’s life, right? Ah dee oss, pal. (Cappy runs out of the office and down the stairs, puts on a hard hat to get through the construction.) Hey – Kevin – lift that end about 5 inches, your scaffolds crooked.

Kevin the Construction Guy: Thanks Jack!

Jerome the Foreman: Hey Gunz – we’ll have the finishing touches on "Gunz’s Hang Out Bar and Grill and Office" down by Friday.

Cappy: No worries. Probably won’t need it any more. I just got fired. Save those plans though. I’m headin to Vegas.

Jerome: Nice! Good luck.

(Cappy runs outside.)

Cappy: OK Matty, let’s get this pahty stahted.

Matt Moulson: All right, man, let’s do this. Where we going?

Cappy: Let’s go to that alternate timeline where the Sox, Pats, Celtics and Bruins all win the Championships for a decade straight.

Boychuk: And make sure I’m still on the Bruins in that timeline.

Moulson: All right, we can do that. Let me just punch in those coordinates…

Tavares: Hey! Wait – coach – I just wanted to –

Cappy: Don’t worry about it, John, I was fired back in 2013 but Gahth let me stay on. Well, not so much let me stay on as much as I just didn’t leave, but whatevah.

Tavares: Oh…ok. I just wanted to say, that I would have liked to have won it all with you as the coach and I’m sorry it ended this way.

Cappy: Only way it could end, John. Plus, if I waited any longah, they might have filled that Vegas position. But don’t worry John, I don’t regret no decisions we had to make since we changed this timeline. It was for the good of humanity, right?

Tavares: Right…wait…what?

Cappy: You tellin’ me you don’t remembah?

Tavares: Remember what? I remember we beat Florida in the playoffs, and that was great, but I don’t know how it was for the good of humanity.

Cappy: Well, Matty – looks like his memory is gone. We knew this would happen. He was too young when we made the time change.

Moulson: That sucks, bro. You were a hero, John.

Tavares: What are you two talking about?

Cappy: OK, now don’t freak out – but – in the original time line, we win, like nine straight cups...

Moulson: ...Five.

Cappy: From 2014 to 2018, then a few more after that, here and there. You, Matty, Vanek was there for a bit, Hamonic, Johnny, Leddy, Kevin. Strome was actually good. Trevor Hall was there for a little while. Some Swedish kid or something.

Moulson: Nino. He was Swiss. John. you won 4 Conn Smyths. Would have been five, but you gave one to Thomas Hickey after he missed the 2014 finals cause he got knocked out by James Neal’s elbow – defending you.

Tavares: What?

Cappy: You made the Hall of Fame first time eligible – I voted for Brian Strait, but whatevah. Then you came back out of retirement to show you could play with a pig’s heart.

Tavares: Huh?

Moulson: Yeah, you volunteered your heart to save some young kid, but said you’d also be willing to try an experimental procedure where they put a pig’s heart in you.

Justin Bourne: People said it wouldn’t work, but you said you believed in the science, John. You started a trend. Pretty soon millions of lives were saved by pig hearts.

Boychuck: The Rangers tried to say your Game 7 fourth overtime goal that knocked them out shouldn’t count cause it wasn’t scored by a human, but you went to Law School and spoke in front of the Supreme Court to say –

Tavares: American or Canadian Supreme Court?

Boychuk: American – NHL is based in New York. Does Canada even have a Supreme Court?

Tavares: I dunno, doesn’t matter, I was just picturing the scene. Go on.

Boychuk: Anyway, you stood in front of the Supreme Court, proved you were human, Cup stays on Long Island –

Bourne: We forgot about the part where John ran for office in New York and brought the Islanders back to Long Island.

Moulson: My bad, bro.

Boychuck: So Cup stays on Long Island, Rangers still suck – cause really, fuck those guys.

Bourne: In 2024 the "NINE-TEE FOUR-UH" Chants started. Those were the best. Lasted decades.

Boychuck: – and then you retire from hockey but go on to win 4 more cups as a head coach, 5 more as a GM.

Cappy: Yeah, and then some crazed Supah Fan of yours, builds a John Tavares robot. Goddamn robot goes sentient, kills most of humanity.

Tavares: Wow….huh?

Moulson: Yeah, it got ugly. Butchie led the resistance. You, me, Jack and Bourne met up with him in Tucson. He sent us back to 2013 and had us tell you to lay off the gas a little. You weren’t happy about it, but it was the only way to save humanity.

Cappy: I knew it would cost me my job at some point, but I nevah really liked it to begin with, so what the hell did I care?

Boychuk: Got me traded from the Bruins, but Jack explained it all to me, and I was cool with it. Kinda.I don’t think Leddy ever got over it though.

Tavares: This doesn’t make any sense.

Butch Goring: Makes perfect sense, John. Time travel can play havoc with a man’s sensibilities, Jiggs. All I know is that if you hadn’t gone back and not scored nine goals against the Leafs in the ACC, in front of friends, family, the Prime Minister and the Royal Family to win the Eastern Conference Championship, the chain of events that leads to the fall of man would have started like it originally did.

Tavares: Nine goals? In one game?

Moulson: 2 in the first. 2 in the second. 5 in the third.

Cappy: Ain’t that like 6?

Tavares: No empty netters, right, cause I feel like those are cheap. I mean, I take ‘em, but, you know…it’s better when there’s a goalie.

Bourne: No. 2 were on a power play, one was shorthanded. Rest just straight up goals.

Cappy: So thanks for saving the world, Johnny. Hopefully this timeline is kind to you. Me, I got a date in Vegas, baby.

Tavares: Yeah, OK. Good luck, coach. I’ll mis…I mean, I look forw….I, uh, I hope things work out for you. (gets in his car, drives away.)

Marty Reasoner: (walks over) All right, boys, I got the Natty Lite and some Rollin’ Rocks. Where we headed?

Bourne: Jack wanted to go to the timeline where Boston wins all the championships for like ten years straight.

Marty: Set coordinates to "Heaven", Matty. Let’s get rollin’.

Cappy: (looking at the Coliseum) You’d never know there’s a train underneath this place.

Moulson: There isn’t. You guys don’t play here anymore.

Cappy: Where we play now?

Moulson: Brooklyn.

Cappy: Oh, that’s a whole different island.

Bourne: Same island, just–

Boychuk: -Don’t bother. It’s been explained a million times.

Cappy: I don’t know about you, but this is the best day of my life….You guys think John bought that whole time travel timeline stuff?

Moulson: Totally. He’s good like that. He’d never forgive himself otherwise. All right, coordinates are set, everyone start making the whirring and beeping sounds.

(Everyone starts to make electronic sounds, flashlights and lighters go on and off. Suddenly, a silver box with five men in it, sitting in a decrepit parking lot on Long Island, lights up, flashes brightly and disappears.)

Marty’s voice: Holy shit, this thing is real?

(Ten Minutes later, on the Southern State Parkway, heading West towards Brooklyn.)

Tavares: He called me "Johnny…" (smiles)