clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Zeitgeist: Jimmy Vesey to sign with NHL team that wins college “Snobs vs. Slobs” competition

New, comments

It’s blue bloods against bumblers for the right to sign the hot new college kid on the block.

Senator John Blutarsky, chairman of the Congressional “Slobs vs. Snobs” grant initiative.

Coveted free agent Jimmy Vesey will sign with the NHL team that wins a college-style Snobs vs. Slobs competition, according to sources close to the Harvard forward's camp.

The contest - pitting wealthy, spoiled, cruel snobs against scrappy, fun-loving slobs from the wrong side of the tracks - could be held as soon as this weekend, the sources said. The victorious team will win Vesey's heart by showing him what's really important is just being himself.

Eight teams vying to sign Vesey have been split into two squads: The Snobs include the Rangers, Blackhawks, Bruins and Penguins while The Slobs are the Maple Leafs, Sabres, Devils and Islanders. The competition will ostensibly consist of vaguely organized academic and athletic games, but will actually be more about pranks, hijinks, social humiliation and comic one-upmanship.

"Harvard is a special place for Jimmy," one source said. "Snobs vs. slobs is how colleges have traditionally settled disputes and this is what Jimmy wants."

Vesey, who captained Harvard this season, won the Hobey Baker Award as the NCAA’s most outstanding player after scoring 24 goals and 22 assists in 33 games. Drafted by Nashville in 2012, he chose not to sign with the Predators, who traded his rights to Buffalo. Vesey then refused the Sabres’ offers and became an unrestricted free agent. This week, teams have sent their front offices and best players to Boston in efforts to woo the talented Vesey to sign with them on a cost-effective entry level deal.

According to the source, Vesey is fully prepared to become either a lying, cheating, sweater-over-the-shoulders-wearing snob or a gregarious, long-haired, substance-abusing slob once his final decision is made.

"Snobs vs. Slobs is the best way for Jimmy to find the team that would be perfect for him," the source said. "He'll either join the dark side and not learn from his mistakes or he'll stay true to himself even if it means losing some friends that really weren't his friends in the first place."

Snobs vs Slobs competitions date back to the late 19th century, when children from lower class families started attending the same schools that were once only available to the wealthiest of society. Soon, rich, unsympathetic kids with great hair were clashing on campuses all across the country with lovable misfits just trying to find themselves.

Historic Snobs vs. Slobs battles include the Pacific Tech Rebellion of 1985, the Bushwood Country Club Attack of 1980 and the Faber College Death Mobile Riot and town evacuation of 1962.

___

This is obviously totally fake and a product of Vesey fatigue. You can flip-flop the Snobs vs. Slobs teams for the Leafs and Bruins if you want. It was a toss-up.