Zeitgeist: Weber introduces new line of grills designed specifically for jersey burning

Has your summer been ruined by the surprise trade or heartbreaking defection via free agency of your favorite pro athlete? Have you been overcome with the intense urge to burn that player's jersey or another piece of team paraphernalia as a way to demonstrate your feelings to the world?

If so, then Weber - America's most trusted name in charcoal, propane and electric grills for indoor and outdoor cooks - has the perfect accessory to go along with your imperfect offseason.

The new EFFIGY 3000 series of grills has been specially designed by Weber's research and development teams to give you the perfect environment for torching what you want when that player has just been shipped out of town. From big, bulky hockey sweaters to light basketball jerseys to standard cotton t-shirts, a Weber EFFIGY 3000 grill is just what you need to get burning.

"Fans take their jersey burning very seriously," said company CEO Che Weber. "It's a spur-of-the-moment event that lets out weeks, months or even years of buried emotions. The EFFIGY 3000 series takes that emotion into account by offering an efficient, durable and safe platform for broiling, sizzling or scorching whatever you feel you have to now that that player is no longer on your favorite team."

Among the EFFIGY 3000's high-tech features are:

• 1,100 square inch fire area, enough for two full size hockey jerseys or up to five basketball jerseys.
• High-quality stainless steel grate.
• Heavy duty steel frame with durable all-weather castors.
• Quick Starter Button ignites grill in seconds, cutting down on second thought time.
• Removable extra wide ash and debris catching plate makes clean-up a breeze.
• Adjustable vents to allow for customized burning times. Tighter vents create a slow, lingering burn, best used after the player was traded to give you time to remember them by. Open the vents full for a quick, rageful revenge burn for when that player signs with a big city team or a bitter rival.
• High side shields keep the flames right on top of the jersey, giving it no place to hide.
• Optional attached selfie-stick for better photo and video taking.

"Whether you're burning a jersey in front of two or 200 onlookers, the EFFIGY 3000 is the best and most dynamic way to do it," Weber said. "Players come and go from teams all the time. Don't wait until your favorite is gone. Prepare now by getting an EFFIGY 3000 and taking all the worry out of setting those memories on fire later."

EFFIGY 3000 grills will be available nationaide in August, 2016 and come in charcoal, propane, electric, wood or dung burning models. Team logo branding is also available. Ask your barbecue specialty shop, hardware store or local sportstalk radio station about buying an EFFIGY 3000 today.

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This thing is not real. And neither is "Che Weber." I mean, come on.