Lighthouse Hockey takes a look inside the auditions to replace MSG's Islanders play-by-play announcer Howie Rose.
Recruiter: Hello, and thank you all for coming. This is going to be pretty simple, we’re going to give you each a clip of video to watch –
Recruiter: - and just ask you to describe what you’re seeing to the best of your ability. Feel free to add anecdotes or some sort of relatable items.
Strome: How much detail are we allowed to give?
Recruiter: As much as you think the situation warrants.
Strome: OK, great. I can get a little carried away sometimes, so I’ll do my best to keep it simple.
Recruiter: Butchie will be here to help you all out. He’s a pro, right Butchie?
Butchie: What’s that now, Howie?
Recruiter: Nothing, just go with it.
Butchie: You got it, Howie. Clark Gillies used to always say that to us, "Just go with it." So we’d go with him and he’d get into all kinds of –
Recruiter: OK, thanks, Butchie.
Butchie: Sure thing. One time Clark Gillies lit Mike Bossy on fire – we always called Mike Bossy "Mike Bossy" – so Mike Bossy was on fire and he’s just running around trying to get the fire out and Clark Gillies is just dying laughing. Told Mike Bossy we were at the beach but we weren’t at the beach at all. No way to get a fire out if you’re not at the beach, Jiggs. We were at a horse farm. Lots of dry hay. Real flammable stuff. Clarkie was a funny guy.
Recruiter: Great. Thanks again. So I think everyone sees how it works – just remember Butchie is the color man – this opening is for play by play.
Boychuk: So you just want the serious guy that does the boring shit?
Recruiter: Well….I wouldn’t say that, but we are looking for play by play.
Boychuk: Nah. That’s the boring guy. I’m out.
JT: I have some questions.
Recruiter: Sure. But just know that we’re doing quick tests here – nothing set in stone. We just want to see how you see the game, your voice and tone, things like that.
JT: It’s been said that I see the game a few steps ahead –
Cappy: Here we go.
JT: of other people. Should I wait for the play to fully develop or should I say what’s going to happen before it happens?
Lee: That’s spoilers, John.
JT: Right. I don’t want to ruin the game.
Cappy: Only thing that’s gonna ruin the game is that boring monotone you got going on. People want drama, John. Not your thing.
Recruiter: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, ok. Let’s just let it form naturally. All the best play by play men let the game come to them. OK? So, who wants to go first?
JT: Being the captain and all, I think –
Ladd: Me. (walks in)
Cappy: Who’s that guy?
Recruiter: OK, so we’re just going to play a random clip from a game and we want you and Butchie to call it. Cool?
Ladd: Press play, asshole.
Recruiter: Uhhh….ok. Aaaand go.
Ladd: Some guy has the puck, he looks like a douche bag, and the douche bag passes it to some prick…these guys suck and…whoa, hold up….what kind of microphone is this? Is this a Kadosh? AM I SUPPOSED TO CALL A GAME THROUGH A FUCKING KADOSH? FUCK THIS PIECE OF SHIT EQUIPMENT! (thrashes the studio, leaves).
Cappy: Loved that.
Cizikas: Yeah, me too. I loved that.
Recruiter: OK, just give me a minute to fix the equipment and then maybe we’ll let our second host go….how about Casey?
Cizikas: Oh wow, thank you.
Recruiter: Just about ready here. OK, I’m gonna press play and you and Butchie start calling on 3, 2, 1 – go.
Cizikas: ……………………………………………………………………………………………………..I loved that.
Butchie: Me too, Casey. He really made a nice play there.
Cizikas:……………………………………………………… ............... ......................................................................... .....................................................................……………………………………………………….thank you. That was fun.
Butchie: Great working with you, Casey.
Recruiter: OK, thank you Casey that was…really great. Up next, how about John?
JT: Ahem. A HEM..Mi Mi Mi yodel a he whooooooo! FA LA LA fa la la FAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAA. A HEM. A HEM. MmmMmMMMmMMMmmmmMMM. OK, I think I’m ready.
Recruiter: OK and 3, 2, 1 – go.
JT: The puck is dropped and we’re underway – live from the Air Canada Center – little chip pass to get it in deep, see the d-men setting up high, you’ll notice Doughty cheating slightly to the center of the ice, smart move, and the left wing moves to the front of the net –
Butchie: That’s the right wing in front of the net.
JT: That’s….shit….you’re right. GODDAMN IT. SHIT. FUCK. I SUCK AT THIS! (Throws headphones. Leaves.)
Recruiter: And we are moving right along. How about –
Strome: Can I go? I’m about to bust I’m so excited.
Recruiter: Sure. And 3, 2, 1 – go.
Strome: OK…she….wait, this is hockey.
Strome: I don’t want to watch hockey videos.
Recruiter: Uhhmmm…not sure I understand?
Strome: I want to watching something a little more intense.
Recruiter: Like you want to narrate a fight?
Strome: Not, like an adult video.
Recruiter: You know this is for the open Howie Rose spot, right?
Strome: Oh, no. I just heard we would be watching videos…..I didn’t know it meant hockey.
Recruiter: Yeah, so maybe this isn’t the place for you right now.
Strome: Oh, ok….do you have any non-hockey videos I can borrow for a few –
Recruiter: Nope, just hockey.
Strome: Oh…..ok then. Bye.
From the hallway: CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY WANT US TO WORK WITH A KADOSH? (lots of smashing can be heard)
Cappy: OK, I’m up – 9, 4, 7 – GO! And there we see Quenneville walking, he got his….wait, go back to Quenville…..move the camera back to Quenneville.
Recruiter: We can’t, it’s just a video, not a live feed.
Cappy: Thomas – show them how to move the camera back to Quenneville.
Hickey: I can’t. It’s not happening now.
Dougie: This is from last season, Jack. It’s not a live game. Hockey is over.
Cappy: So like a time machine thing?
Dougie: No. Just a video of a hockey game that happened in the past.
Butchie: Time is like an arrow, Jack. Funny thing is that nothing in physics says it can’t point both ways.
Cappy: I get that. Just not sure why you can’t put the camera back on Quenneville so I can call the game propahly.
Recruiter: We really want you to focus about what’s going on on the ice.
Cappy: Nah, no one cares about what happens on the ice. Games are won on the bench, boys. Mind games, trick plays, crazy line changes, playin’ guys that ain’t even that good over guys that are bettah – that throws the otha coach off, makes him do stupid things…back up the video – watch right here – see Quenneville rubbing his chin – that means he’s gonna put Kane and Toews out together – what’s the best way to counter? Honestly, I got no idea, but at least I know it’s coming – so what I’d do here, I rub my uppah lip, tap Johnny and Leddy and tell them to get the puck and keep it outta our net. If they can get it into the othah net, great, but right now, keep it outta ours - don’t let Quenneville think he did some magical move by putting two of the best guys out there. Alternately, I could send Strait out there and watch Quenneville do that weird eye brow curl thing – that means he’s confused as shit. That’s almost as great to watch as when we score on him and he crosses his arms and walks away from the net we just scored on.
Lee: It’s really weird, but there are times when you actually kind of sound like you know what’s going on.
Hickey: It still doesn’t make much sense.
Lee: Oh – you’re right. It’s completely nonsensical, but if you’d have asked me if Coach knew who Kane and Toews were, I’d have bet $20 against it.
Cappy: Kaner? Guy’s one of the Top Pahtyers on the league. And Toews is fun to rag on – we call him Captain Serious. I want to get him and John together in a room and watch them bore plants to death! OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Recruiter: Let’s keep moving. Thomas?
Hickey: OK, let’s do this.
Recruiter: 3, 2, 1 and go.
Hickey: The ref drops the puck and the pass…the camera lost the puck….ok, the puck shoots out in front, nice set up – what is this camera guy doing? The puck is not even centered. Ugh. So a scrum behind the net – and of course the camera pans to the bench. I can’t watch this. This is terrible work. I’m sorry. You’ll need to find someone else. (leaves)
Recruiter: Oh boy. Next.
Cronin: So this is the…bottom of the second inning?……I see a two up there, I assume that’s the inning…someone just did something – TOUCHDOWN!....what….is this not baseball?.....Oh, sorry, didn’t know it was hockey. I don’t really know much about hockey.
Dougie: Ahem. OK. Go. Hello and welcome to Hockey Night Live, I’m your host, Doug Weight and I’m here with my long time friend and partner, Butch Goring. Butchie, how are you doing tonight?
Butchie: Say what now?
Dougie: Tonight represents what will be the first of six meetings between these two teams –
Recruiter: Dougie – that’s all really good stuff, but for this exercise I’d like you to focus on what’s happening on the ice.
Dougie: Ah, ok –
Cappy: Hey pal, you lost him at "exercise" OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Dougie: Shut up, Jack. Let’s start over, is that ok?
Recruiter: Sure. 3, 2, 1 – go.
Dougie: A nice little saucer pass to the tape of Malkin; Malkin dekes once, twice, drops it off to Lovejoy who spins and winds up – no it’s a fake shot pass to Letang who –
Chris King: SSSSSSSSSCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE KRIS LETANG WITH AN AMAZING GOAL OF AN ACROSS THE ICE PASS FROM BEN LOVEJOY CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS WHAT A SHOT AND A PASS FROM LOVEJOY AS THE PENGUINS TAKE A One to nothing lead.
Recruiter: Oh, that was nice.
Recruiter: No, this guy. Who are you?
Chris King: Chris King. I call the games on the radio.
Dougie: You did kinda interrupt my turn, Kinger.
Recruiter: Yeah, well, don’t worry about that, Doug. If we have an opening as an arena host or maybe the between period interviews – we think you’re better suited for that than actual play by play anyway.
Dougie: Oh…well, ok. I mean, I’m sure I could do that.
Cappy: I think they’re trying to tell you that the booth ain’t big enough for you, Dougie: OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!
Boychuk: You’re on fire today, Jack.
Joshy: (comes in staring at a phone) Not in here and not in here, WAIT OVER HERE OVER HERE OVER HERE YYYYYYYYEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! IT’S A VAPOREON! I GOT A VAPOREON!
I GOT A VAPOREON! (singing) I GOT A VAPOREON! I GOT A VAPOREON! I GOT A VAPOREON!
Butchie: There’s a Venusaur at the deli across the street.
Hamonic: What are they talking about?
Cappy: Pokemon, Travis. Evolutionary freaks. Most likely branched off the reptile phylum, but some are clearly mammals.
deHaan: You do know they’re not real, right?
Cappy: I do know that I can see them on my phone and capture then, Calvin, so if that’s not real, I don’t know what is. You think Joshy would get that excited over something imaginary?
deHaan: I do, actually. Joshy – I saw a unicorn riding a dragon the other day.
Joshy: THAT IS SO AWESOME I HOPE YOU GOT IT ON VIDEO DID YOU GET IT ON VIDEO CAN I SEE IT I GOTTA GO KYLE JUST SENT ME A MESSAGE THAT THERE’S AN ALAKAZAM AT THE AIRPORT! (leaves)
Cappy: I assume you was trying to prove some point right there?
deHaan: Yes – that he got excited about a unicorn riding a dragon was my point.
Cappy: Who wouldn’t get excited ovah that?
deHaan: Point being –
Cappy: So did you get the video?
deHaan: What? No, of course not. Neither of those things are re –
Cappy: Until you get the video, I ain’t buying it.
deHaan: Yes! That’s the point. It can’t happen. Those are not real things. Like Pokemons! They’re not real.
Cappy: Look here – what’s this?
deHaan: I have no idea.
Cappy: That’s a Marowak. It’s a Pokemon. It’s on my phone. So by your reasoning, it’s real. Right?
deHaan: That’s not…no, it doesn’t work like….goddamn it.
Hamonic: He makes a good point.
deHaan: No he doesn’t!
Clutterbuck: IS IT MY TURN YET?
Recruiter: Sure. Take a seat, adjust the mic….ok and 3, 2, 1.
Clutterbuck: SHOULD I GO?
Recruiter: Yes, go.
Clutterbuck: OK. YOU DIDN’T SAY GO.
Recruiter: Sorry. Go ahead.
Clutterbuck: I WASN’T SURE IF I SHOULD GO, BUT OK, I’M GOING NOW…..SHOOT THE PUCK! SHOOT THE PUCK! SHOOT THE PUCK! WHY DOESN’T HE SHOOT THE PUCK!
Butchie: He doesn’t have much of an angle there, Howie.
Clutterbuck: SHOOT THE PUCK! SHOOT THE PUCK! SHOOT THE PUCK! SHOOT THE PUCK! SHOOT THE PUCK! SHOOT THE PUCK! SHOOT THE PUCK! SHOOT THE PUCK! SHOOT THE PUCK! SHOOT THE PUCK! SHOOT THE PUCK! SHOOT THE PUCK!
Recruiter: OK, Cal, thanks. That was great.
Clutterbuck: DID I DO IT RIGHT?
Clutterbuck: SO YOU’LL CALL ME OR HOW DOES THIS WORK?
Recruiter: Yes, we will all meet, make a decision and give you a call. Anyone else?
JT: I’d like to try again.
Recruiter: OK – if no one minds, let’s do it.
JT: OK…3,2,1 – go. The puck pops out of the corner, Subban sweeps it around the boards and it’s INTERCEPTED BY TAVARES! TAVARES DEKES SUBBAN AND DOUGHTY AND NIK LIDSTROM ALL AT THE SAME TIME –
Dougie: Uh oh.
JT: TAVARES PASSES IT OFF THE BOARD TO HIMSELF, NOW HE’S CARRYING THE PUCK AS IF HE’S PLAYING LACROSSE, CROSBY FALLS ON HIS FACE TRYING TO STOP HIM – NO ONE CAN CATCH HIM –
Cappy: He watching the same game we’re watching?
JT: JOHN TAVARES IS IN DEEP ALL ALONE AGAINST THE GREATEST GOALIE THAT’S EVER LIVED HERE IN GAME 7 TRIPLE OVERTIME –
Recruiter: John – I think it’s best if you just stick to the actual video?
JT: TAVARES WINDS UP – NO HE FAKES, WHAT A MOVE, JONATHAN TOEWS IS TRYING TO CATCH HIM AND I THINK I SEE TEARS IN HIS EYES, TAVARES IN CLOSE - LETS IT FLY –
Chris King: AND JOHN TAVARES SCORES JOHN TAVARES SCORES JOHN TAVARES SCORES JOHN TAVARES SCORES JOHN TAVARES SCORES JOHN TAVARES SCORES WHAT A GOAL! WHAT A GOAL BY THE CAPTAIN JOHN TAVARES!
Cappy: I gotta admit, that was exciting.
JT: WE DID IT! WE DID IT!
JT: I just want to take this opportunity to thank a few people –
Recruiter: John – sorry, this isn’t really the place for that.
JT: my parents and family for the support….Garth Snow for believing in me….my teammates for never giving up….
Recruiter: Anyone else want to give this a try?
JT: The Islanders organization for getting me Taylor Hall to play with.
Hamonic: Uhhh….I should probably go?
JT: I HATE YOU! (jumps on Hamonic)
Cappy: Didn’t see that coming.
deHaan: I did. As soon as I heard about that Larsson trade, I knew Travis was marked.
Boychuk: And Hamonic leads with the left, Tavares ducks and counters with a cross, Hammer moves deflty right and sets up Tavares for a suplex, but NO Tavares blocks his attempt with an armbar and looks like he’s trying to get him into position for a figure four! Hamonic reaches for the ropes and UH OH! THAT’S NICK LEDDY’S MUSIC! Leddy enters the room with a chair –
Recruiter: That’s not bad.
Leddy: What’s everyone doing here?
Boychuk: Howie Rose auditions.
Leddy: Those were yesterday.
Leddy: Yeah, I’m not sure but I think Kinger may get the job. They’re still discussing it.
Boychuk: But Kinger just went –
Chris King: (Rips off mask – revealing Matt Moulson) What’s up, boys? Me and Bourne were just passing through and figured we’d have some auditions and shit.
Recruiter (removes hat and wig revealing Justin Bourne!): Fellas.
Cappy: Look out, boys, we got shapeshifters in our midst. Stay outta the shadows.
Dougie: So this wasn’t real?
Moulson: Nah man, we’re just fucking with you guys. If they were going to have auditions they wouldn’t do it in the basement of the Coliseum, right?
deHaan: But Coach could take a picture of it, so technically, I guess it’s real. Right?
Cappy: He makes a good point.
JT: I practiced for weeks. I took a broadcasting correspondence course to prepare.
Dougie: Me too. I even got Billy Jaffe to coach me.
Moulson: Nice. Awesome.
Moulson: I love when the joke has unexpected consequences, right?
Bourne: That’s the best.
Moulson: Well, anyway, we’re helping Kyle move and shit, sooooo I gotta get the UHaul and all that. Dude has like kids now and shit. I thought they were pugs and then he like gave one a bottle and I was like, "OOOHH SHIT THAT’S A HUMAN!" When did that happen? Anyway, good luck fellas, see you in October or whatevah.
Snow: (runs in) Sorry I’m late – auditions aren’t over yet, are they?
Moulson: HAHA, sweet. Fuck that guy.
Bourne: That dudes a boner.