Cappy Season Openah Pre-Gamer: The Ranghas, Vegas and the spacetime portal

(Ed. Note: If you're new to Lighthouse Hockey, you should know that our prime directive is to have, against all odds and common sense, as much fun with the New York Islanders as we possibly can. That spirit carries on to our community, where member Les Beaver has been posting completely fictitious, dramatized Jack Capuano pep talks for the last few years. For special occasions, we spotlight Les's amazing creativity on our front page. This is his first of the 2016-17 season. Here's to many more.)

Cappy: Crazy thing about playing the Ranghas: same train – different places.

Lee: It’s two different trains.

Cappy: Nah. I get off the train, up the stairs, I’m in the arenah.

Lee: Yes, but one arena is in Brooklyn, the other in Manhattan.

Cappy: Nope, you’re thinking of the subway, Kevin. I’m talking about the train. Must be like that cat thing - it’s dead but not dead at the same time - Butchie always talks about that.

Clutterbuck: SUBWAY’S JUST A TRAIN UNDERGROUND.

Joshy: The subway smells funny…..(whispers) like pee. (giggles)

Ladd: SOME GUY TRIED TO STAB ME ON THE SUBWAY. THAT GUY IS AMAZING. HE’S A WINNER. NOT A LOSER. I LOVE THE SUBWAY.

deHaan: Doesn’t matter. I heard we’re moving back to Long Island anyway.

JT: We’re not moving back to Long Island.

deHaan: I heard it on good authority.

JT: Was it Mr. Ledecky or Garth?

deHaan: No. Heard if from the guy that said his cousin is the lawyer writing up the contracts.

JT: What guy?

deHaan: Some guy.

JT: So you don’t even know the guy?

deHaan: Ryan knows him. Ryan – who was the guy that said we were moving back to Long Island?

Strome: SIRLANCESALOT. He’s a good guy. He gets me great links to some Thai websit –

Lee: Calvin, it doesn’t even matter since you’re probably going to be claimed by Vegas.

Boychuk: Bullshit. I’m getting claimed by Vegas.

Cappy: That’s the dream, Johnny. Mahty is out there now looking at apartments for us.

JT: You should probably be in Vegas now. I can get you tickets. Those fancy seats with the trays again.

Cappy: I’ll take you up on that, but Gahth ain’t just gonna let us go that easy. We got a plan.

Boychuk: Air tight.

JT: What’s the plan?

Cappy: Tank the season, John. We lose enough games early on, Gahth fires me, I go to Vegas to apply, talk Johnny up big, that MacAfee guy claims him, BAM, pahty in the desert.

Boychuck: Best part – no one expects the expansion team to be any good. We can pack it in every night, no one will even care. Shit, I’ll probably only play half the games at best.

JT: If Garth agrees to fire you by say, November, I’m all for that plan. I’ll take a couple of losses.

Ladd: WHO ARE YOU?

JT: I’m, um…I’m John Tavares.

Ladd: WRONG! YOU’RE WEENY MAN!

Joshy (giggles): Weeny man!

JT: Huh?

Ladd: YOU NEED TO BE A WINNER. ALL DAY. EVERY DAY. EVERY SHIFT.

Dougie: That’s kinda my line….

JT: Well, yeah, I agree…but I’m thinking long term, big picture.

Ladd: THEY GAVE YOU A C?

JT: …yes.

Ladd: AND YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT LOSING? JUST GIVING UP AND PACKING IT IN? (Smashes a water cooler.)

Hickey: Whoa…those cost money, Mr. Wang….oh, heh….Don’t have to worry about him anymore. (Smashes a water cooler.) This is awesome.

Cizikas: Awesome. (picks up a water cooler. Puts it down gently.) I love this.

JT: I’m not talking about losing, I’m trying to get the coach fired. He was talking about tanking the -

Ladd: IS THIS WHAT I SIGNED ONTO? SOME TEAM OF BACKSTABBING LOSERS?

Greiss: Give it a couple of weeks. I think perhaps you see his point.

Ladd: I CAME HERE FOR TWO REASONS! KICKING ASS AND KICKING ASS!

Cappy: Dougie?

Dougie: He said the same thing twice, Jack.

Cappy: So he’s really here for like five things?

Ladd: IT’S SIMPLE MATH! CAN YOU NOT COUNT?

Cappy: Hey, easy pal. Wanna see me count to eight? Watch this. (rips shirt) OOHHHHH!!!!

Strome: Oh no…. (runs out).

Cappy: 1 through 8, buddy.

Ladd: I see four….barely.

Cappy: You lookin at my abs?

Ladd: IF YOU WANT TO CALL THOSE ABS, YEAH.

Cappy: Eight pack, pal. 1, 2….9…6…whatevah, 8. BAM.

Ladd: No way. Maybe if you cut down some of that bloat I’d give you five….six, tops.

Cappy: Bloat? I ain’t had a cahb in two years. No bloat here.

Ladd: I SEE BLOAT! IT LOOKS LIKE MOBY DICK LIVES IN YOUR STOMACH!

Cappy: I like to say I got eight moby dicks in my stomach, pal.

(Strome comes back, turns around, leaves)

Kulemin: I think the things just got the weird, boys.

Hamonic: Speaking of weird, has anyone else been having more peaceful dreams since Frans went to Detroit?

Lee: Totally.

Leddy: I actually had a dream about a unicorn they day after he signed in Detroit. A unicorn!

Cizikas: Awesome. I always dream about unicorns.

JT: Yeah, I have too, Taylor.

Hamonic: My name is Trav….

JT: Been sleeping like a baby.

Ladd: BABY? SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT. WEENY BABY MAN! GIVE ME SOMETHING TO PILE DRIVE!

(Nelson hands him a microwave. Ladd Pile Drives it.)

Ladd: THAT’S HOW WE’RE GOING TO WIN, BOYS!

Clutterbuck: PRE-GAMER! (smashes a coffee maker)

Hickey: Well there goes lunch and coffee. (smashes a window). Awesome.

Cizikas: (sweeps up the glass) Awesome.

Frans: I HEAR THE SOUNDS OF DESTRUCTION AND JOY!

Leddy: WHOA! I thought you left.

Frans: I AM ALWAYS PRESENT, NICHOLAS of LEDD!

Leddy: Yeah, but don’t you play in Detroit now?

Frans: INDEED! I AM NOW A RED WING!

deHaan: Don’t you have a game tonight? How are you here?

Frans: I AM IN DETROIT!

deHaan: But this is New York, Fransy. This is our pregamer.

Clutterbuck: PREGAMER! (Smashes the garbage can.)

Ladd: YOU CALL THIS BULLSHIT A PREGAMER? (Smashes a cabinet.)

Cappy: THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT (goes to rip shirt, which is already ripped.) Damn. Hate when that happens.

Frans: I GO TO ALL THE PREGAMERS!

Chimera: Yeah. Fransy was always at the Washington pre-gamers.

PAP: Same with the Montreal and Colorado pre-gamers.

Strome: Are you PA Parenteau?

PAP: Yes.

Strome: Oh, wow, great. This is an honor. Now - based on something you said back in January 2011 - I have some questions on things you do with fists – I mean I’ve done research, but you’re like a god in that field. First question: Can you -

Leddy: Wait – back to Frans - I don’t understand.

Butchie: Sounds like you’re having a tough time with Space and Time, Jiggs. Or Spacetime, as it’s generally known.

Leddy: I don’t think so…I understand both space and time pretty well.

Butchie: Well those rules that you and I know, they don’t apply to Fransy. He can be here and there and anywhere, anytime. Probably a good chance he’s walking with the dinosaurs as we speak.

Fransy: AN EXCELLENT OBSERVATION, MY GORING FRIEND! I JUST DEVOURED A T-REX!

Joshy: What….NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Hamonic: So does this mean that Frans will still be attending our pre-gamers?

Butchie: I mean you can’t just stop conversing with the greatest Islander of all time just –

JT: Maybe not the "greatest"….

Butchie: - because he left team, can you?

deHaan: You probably could, yeah.

Cappy: Dougie?

Dougie: I’m not going to address that one, Jack.

Cappy: Smaht move. Calvin, I think your dreams are going back to shit. Butchie – is the subway like the cat thing – it’s dead, but not dead, it’s the Gahden but it’s also that otha place we play in?

Butchie: No, you’re thinking of the train, Jack. Two different stops.

Cappy: Nah, you guys ain’t listening.

Butchie: There is a portal on 23^rd st that if you hit it at the right speed and time will take you to Aberdeen, Scotland.

Cappy: Yup – that’s what I’m talking it. That’s it.

Butchie: Billy Smith and Bobby Nystrom used to send Dennis Potvin through that every Wednesday. Bryan Trottier used to laugh everytime Dennis Potvin would call from Scotland – he’d always call collect, phones were expensive back then – he’d call every Thursday morning saying he needed airfare home. Oh Bill Torre used to get real mad, but not as mad as Roy Boe. And then they told Billy Smith and Bobby Nystrom that the next time they did it, they’d be buying the ticket home. So the next Thursday what they did was, they had Mike Bossy do it, and when Dennis Potvin called, Billy Smith and Bobby Nystrom said it was Mike Bossy that sent him through the portal. I was just about dying from laughing, even Al Arbour smiled a little. So Bill Torre starts yelling at Mike Bossy and Mike Bossy – we always called Mike Bossy "Mike Bossy" – he grabs his back and says he can’t hear Bill Torre through the pain. That’s when Wayne Merrick fell off the bench and hurt his wrist. Missed the next three games cause of it.

Silence. Everyone just looks at Butchie.

Ladd: WE NEED A FUCKING PORTAL!

Clutterbuck: PORTAL!!!!!

Hickey: I personally think a portal would be cool.

Cizikas: Yeah, I’d love a portal.

JT: You know what we could do with a portal?

Hamonic: Send people to Aberdeen?

JT: That’s true, Taylor, but we could also set one end in front of the other guys net – and put the other end just in front of my – or anyone’s – stick and just slap it in over and over and over and over.

Strome: Oh boy….uh oh (runs out).

Cappy: Sounds like we got the "in their net angle covered."

JT: With you on my wing, Taylor, and a portal, wow. This season is going to be amazing.

Hamonic: I’m afraid to tell him, guys.

Cappy: OK - Nabby – you figure out how we can use the portal to keep the puck outta our net. Once that’s done, we got it all covered. Dougie - You look into portal stores, pick up a good one, maybe not top of the line, they probably get pricey. Try to keep it under, I dunno, let’s say $200.

JT: I’ll throw in five grand.

Ladd: THAT’S A PRETTY LOW NUMBER FOR A WINNER! I’LL THROW IN TEN GRAND.

JT: I’ll match that.

Dougie: You guys do know there’s no such thing as a portal store, right? And Nabby hasn’t been in here in years.

Chimera: OK, so I just realized this is a serious conversation.

PAP: Yah, I missed this place. We used to have a time machine. But now there’s a sloth, so that’s even better.

Chimera: That thing’s real?

Cappy: OK boys, let’s get this portal thing up and running, then I don’t have to do a damn thing rest of the year. Portal into their net, portal outta our yet, can’t lose. I’m going to hit the gym. Where’s Chad Johnson? I need a spottah.

Ladd: WOLVERINES!

Clutterbuck: WOLVERINES!