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Zeitgeist: Unchaperoned Devils throwing wild "Lou's Gone" house party this weekend

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Dad's gone! Who's ready to party?

I am a golden god!
I am a golden god!

Free of the parental supervision of former executive Lou Lamoriello for the first time, New Jersey Devils players are planning to throw a "crazy awesome" house party this weekend, according to multiple reports and colorful paper flyers handed out to selected invitees.

Lamoriello unexpectedly resigned as team president Thursday and was immediately announced as general manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs, giving the Devils the run of the house while he's gone. Devils sources say that plans for the party went into motion moments after Lamoriello's announcement.

"There's gonna be some wild shit here, man," said one player under condition of anonymity. "I can't friggin' wait! We're gonna have the pool, get some Beirut tables set up, maybe an ice luge. Holy shit. Gonna be friggin' sick, bro."

The flyers, printed at a local drug store, say alcohol will be present at the party.

In his almost 30 years at the helm in New Jersey, Lamoriello was known for ruling with an iron hand, suppressing individualism and forbidding personal touches for players such as long hair, facial hair or, with few exceptions, jersey numbers over 30 for non-goalies. Lamoriello built the Devils into a three-time Stanley Cup champion and one of the league's model franchises through ruthless guile, loyalty, secrecy and strict discipline.

Now, his former team is ready to stop stressing and just chill the hell out.

"My cousin's girlfriend is a DJ so we got that covered," the player said. "And I can borrow some big ass speakers from a co-worker whose industrial skacore band just broke up. It's all good."

Over 60 people are believed to have received invitations, but estimates have the guest list quickly ballooning to over 350, including the players' friends, friends of those friends, friends of those friends' friends and people from around the neighborhood that heard something was going on.

The flyers, printed at a local drug store, say alcohol will be present at the party. Sources confirm that a keg of beer would be purchased by one Devils player who is over 21 under the agreement that the player gets to buy some liquor for their own personal use as well. The charitable player had not yet been chosen.

"We'll just wait outside the liquor store until some old person we know swings by," said a second player. "Shouldn't take too long."

House parties can get out of control and lead to arrests or injuries. Devils players say they know the risks and plan to keep an eye on everyone so that the party is both safe and fun.

"We're not friggin' stupid, man," said another player. "We don't want to get busted by [current GM] Ray [Shero]. But even if we do, at least he's not Lou.

"If Lou caught us doing this, he'd kill us. Literally. He'd execute us, bury us and call up a bunch of guys from Albany to replace us and no one would know a thing."

___

This is fake. There is no Devils house party this weekend. Jersey won't be the same without Lou.