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Horrify friends, fool neighbors and traumatize small children with NHL Player masks

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Dear god.

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Happy Halloween. *shirts not included.
Happy Halloween. *shirts not included.

Deep down, all hockey fans want to be NHL players, wooshing and swooshing down the ice and scoring fancy goals like our heroes. Chances are you or someone you know can rattle off personal victories in hockey video games as easily as you can ones for real life teams.

But if you're too old, too young or too un-athletically inclined to make the NHL, and you don't want to plunk down $65 for a "new" version of a video game that is 99.999999999 percent the same as the games you have plunked down $65 to buy over the last 10 years, the league's official online retail store has you covered.

Now available at Shop.NHL.com are full face masks of some of the league's best and brightest. Wearing one is guaranteed to bring you closer to the stars on the ice and fool your friends into thinking they're in the presence of a big time athlete. Scare anyone half to death by pretending that a zombie plague has taken over the NHL! No matter how you slice it, NHL player masks are fun for all ages.

Each mask is made of Space Age polyester mesh and comes with a one-size-fits all elastic band to comfortably attach itself to melons of any width. The masks also offer a full range of sight, speech and breathing so wearers won't pass out or silently walk into traffic while parading around town disguised as an Android version of Claude Giroux.

This is not a joke. For just $17.95 (not including shipping and handling), you can finally become the Pavel Datsyuk you've always dreamed of being. Only scarier and without any actual hockey skills or facial expressions.

Here's the full selection.

NHL Masks

Already a few favorites are emerging. Smilin' Hank Lundqvist is a big hit with European shoppers while sweaty Sid Crosby and Squintin' Zdeno Chara are neck and neck among all demographics. The terrifying gaze of Death Stare Jonny Toews is expected to be a huge hit at Halloween.

As per usual, the Islanders get shut out of the NHL's marketing plans. But sources tell Lighthouse Hockey that an Islander mask is indeed in the works, featuring the fanbase's favorite bearded blue and orange bogeyman, Brian Strait. Here's a prototype now:

ScaredStrait-2

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Thanks to this comment at PPP for bringing these amazing products to my attention.