clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Cappy's Pre-Gamer: 2015 Draft Table Road Trip Edition

New, comments

Special for the NHL Draft, we have a surprise entry in LHH community member Les Beaver's ongoing series of dramatic interpretations of what Jack Capuano's pre-game pep talks sound like. This time, Cappy's brought the whole gang down to Florida.

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

I'm back.
I'm back.

[INT.  BB&T Center, Sunrise, Florida. The New York Islanders table on the NHL Draft floor.]

Garth Snow has (probably) been busy working the phones and seeing what sort of values are out there. But today's the day and we get to see if all his (probable) hard work pays off. We join the action in progress.

Donovan: ….so that’s when we roll up to Revere Beach.

Cappy: Wait til Mahty gets here. He tells it best.

Boychuk: I don’t think he’s coming. Pretty sure he veered off to check out Rockaway Beach. Said he wants to scout out some places for rookie camp.

Cappy: Guy’s the best. Always way ahead of the rest of us. So anyway, that’s when we roll up to Revere Beach. It’s Mother’s Day, and you know that’s Mahty’s favorite holiday. He says nothing’s bettah than a beach full of drunk mother’s, right?

Boychuk: Totally.

Garth: Guys, the draft starts in a few minutes. Can you get to the point?

Dougie: We don’t have a pick til the 3rd round, Garth.

Garth: Yeah, but…you gotta be ready for anything. What if someone calls looking for a deal? I gotta know who’s available.

Cappy: Eichel, Hanifan, Greer, Diffley - all Boston guys. Worst case: Teixeira outta Portland – assuming it’s the Maine Portland. It ain’t that hahd.

Dougie: There’s also Seney, out of Merrimack.

Garth: Connecticut guys…I dunno. It doesn’t feel right.

Cappy: Connecticut’s too close to New York. I don’t trust those guys.

Garth: Could be Yankee fans.

Dougie: Not worth the risk.

Cappy: Great. So anyway, we get to Revere Beach and we’re just killin’ it. Mahty is goin nuts. They got ice sculptures, he’s buyin shots. It’s just the best. He’s got mothers lined up, he’s handing out them Hawaiian flower things.

Donovan: It was awesome.

Cappy: And then, Matty Mahtin and The Bros show up, and the shit hits the fan. First off he’s with Bylsma – who we dumped at a rest stop on 95.

Donovan: It was great. Coach told him told him to get some coffee. Then we took off.

Cappy: We could see him running with five cups of coffee after the cah, I was dyin. 10 minutes later, I completely forgot about it until the guy until shows up with the Bros. Now, that woulda been fine, but rumor was he was getting the Sabres job, and we was meeting up with Snakebite on Revere Beach.

Garth: Snakebite?

Cappy: Teddy Nolan. Goes by "Snakebite".

Garth: No. I don’t think he does.

Cappy: So Teddy sees Bylsma and he’s cool about it, you know? Then Bylsma – guy can’t keep his arrogant little mouth shut – he says something about Buffalo and Snakebite just loses it. I ain’t gonna get into details, but I know why they call him "Snakebite" now. Guy’s unreal. So that Trotsky guy –

Garth: Trotsky?

Dougie: I think he mean Bryan Trottier.

Cappy: Yeah, him. Why’s everyone know that guy?

Garth: : He…uh…you know. Well…He’s just got like…how are you still employed?

Cappy: You tell me! OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!

Boychuk: NICE! He got you good, Garth.

Garth: Whatever…Maybe I should trade Grabner. Think that will get me to the first round?

Boychuk: You think you can get Eichel? I’d trade pretty much anyone for that guy – Solid BU guy? He’d be nuts.

Garth: That’s the dream, Johnny. Maybe Tavares would get us the second pick…

Cappy: Meh. No one wants that guy. He don’t pahty.

Boychuck: Good point.

Garth: Damn.

Cappy: So anyway, Nolan’s got Bylsma in a headlock and then Babcock –

Joshy giggles

Cappy: - comes over. Guy’s got his shirt off, gives me one of them finger gun things. He’s just egging me on, right? So I do that thing where I kiss my pointer fingers, look up to God, make a sign of the cross and then WHAM (rips his shirt off) I rip my "I Flexed And My Sleeves Fell Off" shirt off. So clearly, he ain’t smilin’ no more.

Boychuk: Guy’s got an inferiority complex.

Garth: There’s that Werenski kid in Minnesota…it’s not Boston but….

Strome: What about my brother?

Garth: : He grow up in New England?

Strome: No –

Cappy: Pass. So anyway, Babcock puts his shirt back on, Nolan lets go of Byslma’s leg and that’s when Matty Mahtin opens his stupid mouth. Say’s something about "Bros and Hoes" or whatever, I got no idea –

Donovan: The context seemed off to me.

Garth: I’m sorry, but I have to say it – Matty – your presence here, I dunno…it makes me uncomfortable.

Donovan: Huh? Why?

Garth: Well…the whole twelve game thing…

Donovan: What twelve game thing?

Garth: Didn’t you tell him?

Cappy: Tell him what?

Garth: That if he didn’t play in twelve games, he…you know….

Donovan: What happens in twelve games? Guys?

Cappy: I got no idea, Dono.

Garth: I told you he needed to play twelve games.

Cappy: I told you if we could find twelve games where he wasn’t nursing a hangover, no worries. It never happened. Johnny and Mahty made sure of that.

Donovan: Totally.

Cappy: Plus, guy makes the best coffee. I tried to have Strait make it, but his coffee sucks. And he can’t make a burrito. Guy screws up salads. I figure on the ice is the place where he causes the least amount of damage.

Hamonic: Coach is like a culinary Hitler.

Cappy: Hitler? Hitler was a light weight.

deHaan: Ummmm….

Cappy: Mousillini - that guy was a dictator. Everyone knows he plunged the world into war.

Lee: I’m pretty sure that was Hitler.

Cappy: Let me ask you something: Was Hitler dragged out to a square by his own people and hanged?

Lee: No…?

Cappy: Damn right he wasn’t. But Mousollini, that’s what they did to him. That’s how you know you made it. When I go out, I want it to be like that.

JT: I’m running to Home Depot. Anyone need anything?

Cappy: Two 9 volt batteries and a lavender bush….tree. Are lavenders bushes or trees?

Hamonic: I need a T Square.

Strome: Actually, I have a list. I’m not sure where most of these things are in the store, so you may have to ask. For example, the BrassCraft Safety+PLUS 1/2 in. MIP Excess Flow Valve x 1/2 in. MIP x 48 in. Stainless Steel Gas Connector 1/2 in. O.D. (60,500 BTU) may be in plumbing, but it could also be in heating. Probably best to ask.

JT: This list is nine pages long, Ryan.

Strome: Right. But I learned you can’t cut corners, John. Especially when it comes to the ladies.

JT: 3 inch Vent Pipe Hanger? 4 inch Galvanized Steel Worm Gear Clamp? Six fire extinguishers? What are you building?

Cappy: You don’t need to answer that, Stromer.

Strome: I’ll show you when it’s done.

JT: I don’t think I want to see it.

Boychuk: I’d like to see it.

Joshy: IS IT A JUNGLE GYM? CAN YOU BUILD A SECTION FOR CHIPPY TO HANG OUT IN?

Strome: It does have a jungle gym, yes, but with some modifications. For example, the second floor has a room that houses only jellies and leather st –

Garth: Why are there so many people at this friggin table? I’m trying to concentrate on the draft. I thought we were only allowed eight.

Lee: I was told there were refreshments being served.

Joshy: CHIPPY DOESN’T COUNT CAUSE HE’S NOT A PERSON AND VICTORY ISN’T A PERSON EITHER CAUSE HE’S AN ELF WHICH KYLE SAYS ARE ACTUALLY PRECURSERS TO MAN AND YOU SHOULD TOTALLY LET HIM GO UP TO THE PODIUM AND ANNOUNCE YOUR PICK AND I HOPE YOU PICK SOMEONE FUN TO PLAY WITH FOR ME BUT DON’T TOUCH HIM BECAUSE THEN HE’LL LOSE HIS MAGIC!

Cappy: I thought I was gonna announce the pick this year. I wore a tux.

Garth: And you just ripped it.

Cappy: I brought plenty of backups. Dougie.

(Dougie hands him a shirt.)

Cappy: I got a list of things I was gonna shit talk about to the other coaches. I was gonna do it in Vegas at the awards but I never got a chance to get up there. I couldn’t even find the podium room.

Donovan: We weren’t in Vegas.

Cappy: Where were we then with all the lights and gambling and stuff?

Donovan: Nathans on Old Country Road. They have an arcade.

Cappy: That place was great. We gotta go back there.

Boychuk: Totally. You can get a pizza, then a burrito, then some hot dogs and fries –

Cappy: The best fries.

Boychuk: -then wash it all down with some Long John Silver’s fish and chips. You gonna beat that in Vegas?

Snow: Can we focus on the draft, please? Who’s that on line 1?

Dougie: Rutherford.

Snow: Ugh. Tell him I’m in the shower.

Dougie: He’s in the shower…he says he’s right behind you and can see you’re clearly not in the shower.

Snow: Tell him I’m a wax statue from Madame Tussauds sitting here til I’m out of the shower.

Dougie: You heard that….yeah…I know, they totally look real, it’s pretty amazing…..ok, later….he says to call him when you’re out of the shower.

Snow: Does Chicago still have us on hold?

Dougie: Yep.

KO: SIR. KYLE OKPOSO REPORTING FOR DUTY, SIR!

Garth: : I know who are you, Kyle. What’s up?

KO: I’VE COMPLETED MY RECON MISSION. TORONTO WILLING TO DEAL THEIR PICK, SIR, BUT THEY’RE KEEPING IT A SECRET.

Garth: : And you’ve just screamed that out to the entire place. Good work, Kyle.

KO: JUST AS WE DISCUSSED, SIR.

Garth: : Dude…keep that quiet.

KO: SIR YES SIR. ALSO, ARIZONA MAY BE INTERESTED IN DEALING THEIR THIRD ROUND PICK FOR ONE KYLE OKPOSO, SIR. I CAN THEN INFILTRATE THEIR RANKS AND GIVE YOU A FULL REPORT ON THEIR INNER WORKINGS.

Garth: : That would be a long term gig, Kyle. Deep undercover. You’d have to sign a contract with them. Could take years before we bring you home, if at all.

KO: UNDERSTOOD, SIR. I AM READY AND WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO COMPLETE THE MISSION.

Garth: : Great. Go check in on Chicago.

KO: SIR YES SIR. (leaves)

Cappy:: That’s a good idea. Undercover guys on other teams. Like Johnny.

Boychuk: Not really supposed to bring that up.

Cappy:: Garth totally knows. He’s a Boston guy.

Garth: : I know what Chiarelli was doing. Way I saw it, I get a good Dman, he gets to learn about Jack’s fitness routine. Fair enough.

Cappy: It ain’t no secret: Low carbs, total fitness, party hahd.

Garth: Yup. No reason to send a spy, but I’ll take that deal 10 times out of 10.

Leddy: What’s the plan, Garth?

Garth: I dunno. Arizona might do the third for Kyle. Toronto is probably open to a move.

Leddy: That Chicago on the phone?

Dougie: Yes.

Leddy: Let me get that….hello?....it’s Nick…no, Leddy….right….ok so here’s an update: The dessert dog would give it’s third tail for a Beast…beast….no a Beast…..21…..he wears 21 and he’s a beast…the loose retina guy….do you pay any attention at all….I don’t know pig latin…ixne on the Kyle Okposose? Did I do that right? Oh, sorry….also the Tree Leafs are open…no price that I know of, but it’s Toron…uh…Torontose, so like I’m thinking not much….OK, will do. Later.

Garth: I wanted to talk to them.

Leddy: Nah, no need. It’s all good. I gotta go.

Dougie: Hey – where’d you get the second Stanley Cup ring?

Leddy: Uhhhh….a friend? I gotta run. (leaves)

Garth: : See, every team sends spies.

Cappy: Whaddya mean?

Garth: Did you not just hear a word he said?

Cappy: Leddy? He was talking pig Latin. Something about a dog and a tractor?

Dougie: Garth – drafts starting.

Snow: Nice. This is always so exciting.

Cappy: Guy ain’t even stahted talking yet and I’m bored as shit. Can’t believe you didn’t have a draft pahty this year. I loved that thing.

Donovan: Guys - can we get back to that twelve game thing?

Garth: Hand me the phone…I’m going in…..