Zeitgeist: Final Nassau Coliseum clean up items now available at auction

The photos of the ice surface being removed from Nassau Coliseum for the final time brought out many emotions in New York Islanders fans and hockey fans from around the world.

Now you can own a memento from this depressing, traumatic, haunting and demoralizing day thanks to some once-in-a-lifetime auctions that can put the building's precious pieces in your possession.

Melted Coliseum Ice

Ice straight from the Coliseum floor that has been authenticated by the NHL, gently aged and air melted over time and bottled at the peak of its nostalgia. Auctions start at $19.72 per 4oz collectors bottle. Supplies are limited (and may contain up to 76% tap water). WARNING: Due to the possible presence of blood, sweat, hair, teeth, asbestos, concrete, metal and any number of unknown chemicals, drinking the melted ice is not recommended for children under 10.

Whole Ice Shards

For those who prefer to have the Coliseum ice act as a showpiece in their home, whole shards can be purchased at auction starting at $43 per square inch. Pieces hand-selected and autographed by popular Islanders winger Matt Martin (seen above) start at $99. Must be kept frozen, preferably away from any fish or  game meats.

Broken Sticks

Thanks to a shipping snafu, the Islanders played the entire season with street hockey sticks. This accounts for how the players broke approximately 15 sticks a game, often during power plays and other inopportune moments. Now, you can score one of these trademark items, even though the players couldn't score with them. Auctions begin at $21 per half stick and $91 for a John Tavares signed piece. Toothpicks made of stick shrapnel begin at $2 a bag.

Dasher Boards

If these boards could talk, they would tell stories of glorious past advertisers including Hall of Famers like Compression Socks, Nobody Beats The Wiz and Dial-A-Bug. Coliseum boards are great for home fencing to keep annoying Rangers fan neighbors out of your yard. Auctions start at $1,940 per section.

Glass

The Coliseum featured some of the world's toughest glass, strengthened over the years by around-the-clock stress tests mixing hard hits, hand beatings, sign hanging, spitting, beer spilling, extreme decibel levels and foul language. These sheets are perfect for coffee tables, desks, shower doors, car windshields and babies cribs. Auctions start at $109 a sheet.

Seats

Already a hot item among Islanders fans this Spring, Coliseum seats are available in several styles: Whole, Broken, Sticky, Ripped and Spearmint. Auctions start at $50 per seat or $600 per row.

Rusty Submarine Hull

We're not exactly sure how this pre-nuclear submarine shell ended up at Nassau Coliseum, but it was found in a locked garage and its got to go. Does not include diesel engines or weapons and may no longer be watertight. Auction begins at $2,000.

Payloader

Made instantly iconic in photos taken by the great Bruce Bennett, this 14 ton piece of machinery destroyed the Islanders home ice more efficiently than Mario Lemieux, Jaromir Jagr or Sidney Crosby ever could and will forever be the last non-zamboni to drive across the Islanders center ice logo. Auction starts at $93,000.

Blueprints for the New Coliseum

Just added! Found under the debris from the clean up are the actual plans for a new, upgraded arena for the people of Nassau. Since it's unlikely the county will ever need the blueprints, the team might as well sell them. Perfect for framing and taunting political opponents. Auction starts at $1, but bidders must first submit an RFP application with the county for the rights to build an arena that will never materialize.

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This is fake. There are no auctions. Save your money for the train tickets to Barclays.