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Zeitgeist: Others step forward as rightful heirs to New Jersey Devils throne

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Hark, and witness the dawn of The Bloody battle of Newark.

My people.
My people.

Claiming his right to the throne of the National Hockey League's New Jersey Devils, a New Hampshire man plans on invading the franchise within the year.

William DaManno, of Concord, is the illegitimate son of Robert Lamoriello, a third cousin of Lou Lamoriello, who stepped down as Devils general manager after naming former Penguins GM Ray Shero as his replacement in a surprise announcement on May 4th.

DaManno has disputed this claim, stating that Lamoriello promised him the job 15 years ago when DaManno visited New Jersey during the Devils 2000 Stanley Cup run.

"This imposter Shero has no more right to succeed than a hog."- William DaManno, rightful heir to the New Jersey Devils.

"I will take the Devils of New Jersey with both hands," DaManno said. "This imposter Shero has no more right to succeed than a hog. The crown is mine, so sayeth cousin Lou."

Also claiming a right to the throne is Chris Lamoriello, eldest son of Lou and lawful blood heir, who currently rules the Devils' American Hockey League club as senior vice president, general manager and Arch Duke of Albany. A spokesperson for the Albany Devils issued a statement saying Chris Lamoriello has no plans to declare war on New Jersey at this time but is weighing his options under the doctrine of divine right.

Despite the threats, the senior Lamoriello granted control of the franchise to Shero, an experienced leader and the heir to a royal hockey family. Ray Shero is the legitimate son of Hall of Fame coach Fred Shero and, according to the team, has noble claim to the Devils by virtue of a Stanley Cup championship won with the Penguins in 2009.

Shero believes that an outsider such as DaManno would never be accepted by the House of Devil as their rightful sovereign, and that he himself is more fit to lead the team into battle should the need arise.

"We will give him seven feet of East Rutherford ground, or as much more as he may be taller than other men," Shero said of DaManno.

Lou Lamoriello came to power in New Jersey 28 years ago after first reigning over Providence College's hockey program. Under his stewardship, the Devils embarked on an unprecedented era of glory and prosperity, making five trips to the Stanley Cup final and claiming three titles as spoils. Lamoriello gained a reputation as a dignified and pious leader, but was feared far and wide for assassinating princes, banishing earls and demanding loyalty oaths from subjects.

The shocking nomination of Shero to the throne has left the Devils realm in disarray and elders say a war for the crown is inevitable. DaManno plans on amassing troops and storming the beach at Point Pleasant, NJ after giving two weeks notice at the Concord AutoZone where he works.

After leaving the throne, Lamoriello will live out his days with the title of team president. In typical Devils style, Lamoriello's nomination to sainthood is expected to be announced in a lavish four-minute pre-game ceremony around Christmas.

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This is not real. 1066 and all that.