Cappy's Carb Free Pre-Gamer: Islanders vs. Capitals Game 6

Special for the playoffs, we highlight LHH community member Les Beaver's ongoing series of dramatic interpretations of what Jack Capuano's pre-game pep talks sound like.

Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!

KO: GAME SIX, BOYS! PLAYOFFS! LET’S ROCK THE BARN TONIGHT, BOYS! GAME SIX!

Cappy: Tell ya what, you guys played like shit the other night.

JT: There’s a lot going against us, but that’s no excuse. We need to find –

Cappy: John – you hosted a pahty and loaded everyone up on Entenmanns – that’s 100% cahbs. What do you expect to happen?

JT: The carbs weren’t my idea!

Boychuk: Dude, I was wasted by the time the game started. That was a pretty good party.

Lee: It was better than I expected.

Kuleman: Yah, I liked it.

Cappy: Credit where it’s due, that was a helluva pahty. Can’t go wrong with a Karaoke machine.

Lee: That was all Brock’s idea.

Brock: I love Karaoke. It’s like the Lord is singing through me.

Cappy: Good thing about this being a day game, we can go back to Pahty City before they close and pregame. I love the beach party theme aisle. Let’s set up there til they close, then we hit Joe’s Crab Shack. I’m thinking about getting a path time job there ovah the summah.

Dan Bylsma: Yeah. It’s not so bad. I like it.

Cappy: What’s the discount?

Bylsma: 20%.

Boychuk: Perfect.

Bylsma: You guys see the Penguins lose last night? Nice, right?

Cappy: I’m not even into the playoffs this year. No Bruins. Why bother?

Boychuk: Same.

Cappy: Anyway. I think after yesterday we learned one thing: Two Pre-gamers don’t work. You need one, low carb pre-gamer to get a team focused. So -

Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!

KO: PLAYOFFS, BOYS, GAME SIX! LOW CARB PREGAMER STARTING, BOYS!

Cappy: with that in mind…what’s the plan? Where is everyone? deHaan, Lubo, Hammer...it is a 3:00 stath, right? If I’m here early, I’m gonna be pissed.

JT: They’re all hurt.

Cappy: Strait?

JT: Naturally, he’s fine.

Strait: I tried, man. I did a backflip off the keg. Landed on my head and everything, yet I'm fine. Not a scratch.

Cappy: OK, then no worries. We got this. I got no idea who you two are, but suit up.

Reinhart: I’m Griffin Reinhart. This is Ryan Pu –

Cappy: I don’t need to know. Just get out there. John – get a couple tonight I’ll buy you a Zima.

Boychuk: Zima?

JT: What…it’s refreshing.

Boychuk: If he gets one vote for the Hart I’m gonna lose my shit.

JT: IT’S REFRESHING!

Boychuk: My kids don’t even drink that shit.

Cappy: What are your kids popping nowadays?

Boychuk: They’re all about Molson…it’s a Canadian thing.

Hickey: I’ve been getting in Pabst. I want to be ready for Brooklyn.

Weight: Can’t go wrong with Pabst. Good Midwestern brew.

Byslma: I always felt Pennsylvania had some great, underrated breweries.

Cappy: That’s true. Asshole hockey teams, but good beer.

Byslma: Yep. Check out this tat I got –

Cappy: "Pa…screw…..hickeys…grime beans?"

Bylsma: It says, "PA – shitty hockey, great beer."

Cappy: Yep. I see it now. Nice. What’s that picture?

Byslma: Oh, it was a penguin, but I had them make it into a huge pile of shit and then there’s a bunch of names of people I will get vengeance on.

Frans: YES DAN BYLSMA!

Cappy: I like it.

Boychuk: Sweet.

Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!

KO: GAME SIX, BOYS! PLAYOFFS! LET’S ROCK THE BARN TONIGHT, BOYS! GAME SIX!

Cappy: Well, I ain’t got much else. Personally, I ain’t ready to say good bye to this place. As much as I’m looking forward to some time off, it ain’t time yet. Can’t help but feel there’s more memories we got to make here. Ryan – how many utility closets did you say you wanted to "christen"?

Strome: 9.

Cappy: How many you get left?

Strome: 9.

Boychuk: Jesus….

Cappy: Brock – you said there’s still demons to exorcise in the basement?

Nelson: Amen.

Cappy: Joshy, Did you ever get to build the ultimate tree fort on the roof like you always dreamed?

Joshy: NO BUT YOU SAID IF WE WIN IT ALL YOU’LL BRING ME TO HOME DEPOT IN THE ISLANDERS VAN AND WE CAN LOAD IT WITH NAILS AND WOOD AND YOU’D HELP ME BUILD IT!

Cappy: You know I will. John, you wanted to raise a cup here?

JT: Absolutely.

Cappy: You gonna fill it with Zima?

JT: Absolutely.

Boychuk: Jesus.

Cappy: And me, I want to play a halftime show in the Stanley Cup Finals on stage with the original members of Van Halen, Extreme and Journey. So in order to make that happen, we got to win tonight…right? Dougie?

Weight: Yes, we’d need to win tonight.

Cappy: OK boys, let’s win this one. Here’s the gameplan: In their net – A LOT, outta ours - EVERYTIME. Save the City, boys.