Cappy Pre-Gamer: Islanders vs. Capitals Game 5

Special for the playoffs, we highlight LHH community member Les Beaver's ongoing series of dramatic interpretations of what Jack Capuano's pre-game pep talks sound like.

Cappy: OK boys, the good news: we got them right where we want them.

JT: Huh? We’re tied up at 2 games. If we hold the lead in Game 2, and score on a goddamn POWERPLAY Tuesday night, we sweep them…and you’d be at the beach emailing Quenneville about some stupid beach party – oh, sorry – "Pahty." "Let’s Pahty with Mahty in a cah or in a bah."

Hickey: He’s like a New England Dr. Suess.

Cappy: OK John, I see what you’re saying, and while you’re technically correct, you’re missing the bigger picture.

Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!

KO: PLAYOFFS, BOYS! PLAYOFFS! GAME 5 BOYS, GAME 5! WIN TONIGHT AND WE WRAP THIS UP IN SIX - AT THE COLI!

JT: Bigger picture…is this about la ca – dammit - A cappella?

Cappy: Nope. We wrapped that up last night. We swept Trotz and his singing failures. Tell ya what though – that Backstrom kid can sing. I ain’t heard someone kill a Zebra song like that since Randy Jackson played the Centrum. I know Trotz was trying to rub it in our face that they could cover a Long Island band, but really, if that’s the best you got, you don’t deserve to even be in the game. Right, Grabo?

Grabovski: Yes. Weak show by them…Now that I beat box us to second round, can I play hockey?

Cappy: Let’s not rush into things. We gotta make sure your voice is 100% for the later rounds. As I was saying, John – the bigger picture: How many teams are in this playoffs thing?

JT: 16.

Cappy: Right, so that’s me and like…9 other coaches.

deHaan: 15.

Cappy: Point being, if we sweep this series, I’m the odd man out. You got nineteen other coaches –

deHaan: 15

Cappy: - getting all the facetime. No one wants to interview a winnah, John. Heartbreak sells.

JT: That…what? Of course they do.

Cappy: Plus Dono and Johnny checked – hotels are all full and the weather kind of sucks for the beach, so we’re gonna keep playing Seattle, and look to sweep the next set.

Boychuk: Makes sense to me. It’ll just make the party that much sweeter when it actually kicks off.

Cappy: I’m thinking Saturday night – though Gahth said it may be a day game. As much as I hate the day games, I’ll take that one.

JT: I think everyone in this room would feel more comfortable if we just closed out the Capitals quickly.

Cappy: That’s one of your problems – no sense of drama. Rule numah one of filmmaking…Hickey?

Thomas Hickey: Uhhh….good lighting?

Cappy: Really?

Hickey: I dunno. I just do camera work.

Cappy: Oh. I thought maybe you’d know. Well, whatevah rule numbah one is, it’s probably got something to do with drama…or maybe explosions. I dunno. Something to think about.

Nelson: Why are you limping, Coach?

Cappy: I can’t get too into it, but in order for me to clean up the City, I need to train. Last night was my first step, and let’s just say, I missed it by a bit.

Lee: Clean up the city?

Strome: You’re not gonna get rid of all the girlie shops, are you? I read a study that they’re not as detrimental to a society as originally thought. For example, a 1991 study indic–

Cappy: Not just yet, Ryan. I got my sights set on bigger things.

Strome: Oh…ok. Good luck then.

McDonald: Can I put forth my hypothesis on what happened?

Cappy: Whoa – I didn’t even know you were here. Go for it.

Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!

KO: PLAYOFFS, BOYS! PLAYOFFS! GAME 5 BOYS, GAME 5! WIN TONIGHT AND LET’S GET MOMENTUM BACK ON OUR SIDE, BOYS!

McDonald: I think you’ve been binge watching Daredevil on Netflix. I think you want to be Daredevil so you decided to train. I think you blindfolded yourself, took a step or two and fell down a flight of steps.

Cappy: The guy’s like Sherlock Holmes. Well done. I’d say I could use you as a sidekick but I’m pretty sure Daredevil – the Man Without Fear, I hear that – works alone.

Joshy: YOU SHOULD TOTALLY ASK OVI FOR A DAREDEVIL / SPIDER-MAN TEAM UP!

KO: BOTH INHABIT THE MARVEL UNIVERSE, IT COULD WORK!

Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!

KO: PLAYOFFS, BOYS! PLAYOFFS! GAME 5 BOYS, GAME 5!

Cappy: Not sure we’re gonna need Spider-Man just yet. This conspiracy goes right to the top.

JT: I’m just going to assume you have no thoughts or ideas for a gameplan for the game later.

Cappy: Same as always, John – In their net, outta ours, save the City. If ain’t broke….

JT: Great. Sounds good. For anyone that gives a shit, me and Nick are going to have a Gameplan Meeting Pre-Gamer after this.

Kuleman: We are?

JT: No, Leddy. He gives a shit.

Clutterbuck: TWO PREGAMERS! PLAYOFFS!

KO: PLAYOFFS, BOYS! PLAYOFFS! GAME 5 BOYS, DOUBLE PREGAMER!

JT: Yes. We’re going to talk about strategy. Dougie – we’d like to talk about the power play.

Dougie: I have a one pre-gamer a day clause, sorry John.

Lee: Will you be serving donuts or cake?

JT: What? No.

Lee: So there will be no refreshments?

JT: I mean, bring whatever you want, but no, I didn’t bring cake.

Strome: I can run out and pick up an Entenmann’s.

Lee: That’s a good idea. I’d prefer there be some sort of refreshment.

JT: Huh? Jack doesn’t serve cake. Mine is a strategy session, not a party.

Cappy: Story of his life, right? OOOOHHHHHHHHH!

Boychuk: NICE! He just blew you up, John.

deHaan: Ryan – grab a Banana Nut Cake. So good.

Cizikas: I love those.

Strome: Sure, And I’ll get some Apple Puffs and I know Joshy likes cookies.

Joshy: I CAN EAT THE WHOLE BOX BUT THEN KYLE TELLS ME NO TO BECAUSE IT RUINS MY APPETITE AND I WON’T EAT MY DINNER AND THEN I DON’T GET DESSERT WHICH WOULD BE MOOOOOORE COOKIEEEEEEEEES!

Strome: Anything else?

Grabovski: Crumb cake for me.

Cizikas: I love those.

Halak: I like the donuts – get the variety pack.

Cizikas: I love those.

Strome: Got it.

Neuvirth: We will also need juice of some sort.

Nelson: I’ll run over to party city, grab some hats and lais and stuff.

Cappy: Pahty City? That a real place? Johnny, Dono – we’re going with Hurricane. Sounds like it was built for us.

Boychuk: Totally. I got the cooler ready.

JT: This isn’t a goddamn party, it’s a STRATEGY SESSION! WE NEED TO WIN THE GAMES!

deHaan: Well, in fairness, we’re not gonna win if we’re all hungry.

Dougie: He makes a good point. Ryan – grab me a box of those chocolate roll things.

Cizikas: I love those.

Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!

KO: PLAYOFFS, BOYS! PLAYOFFS! GAME 5! GONNA HAVE A NICE LITTLE RECEPTION BEFORE THE GAME, BOYS!

JT: Goddamn you all. (Dials his phone.) Garth – yeah, it’s me….John…right….no, you’re not late….it didn’t even start yet…well, I wasn’t calling to invite you….no, I mean, feel free but….a bundt cake?....oh…..I didn’t know you baked, actually….Brock’s going to get hats and stuff….streamers?

Nelson: I’m on it.

JT: He says he’s on it….but I wanted to talk strategy and….he said he’s going to Party City…I don’t think they quite know what it is, they’re going with him, yeah….Garth says to make sure you get cutlery…

Nelson: Got it. Ask him if he has napkins he can bring.

JT: You heard that?….he says he does, but only in pink, leftover from a baby shower…anyone care?

Nelson: Nah, it’ll save us a few bucks that we can spend on the after party.

JT: OK, great. See you in a few. Yeah, it should be fun. I'm looking forward to it....Bye…..WAIT! GODDAMNIT.

Cappy: OK, boys, Me and the Boyz will be back ASAP. Then we get this pahty stahted.