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Cappy's Pregamer: Game Four versus Capitals

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High off their Game 3 OT victory, Cappy's focus is on spider killing strategies.

Spider-Man: Threat or Menace?
Spider-Man: Threat or Menace?

(Special for the playoffs, we highlight LHH community member Les Beaver's ongoing series of dramatic interpretations of what Jack Capuano's pre-game pep talks sound like.)

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Cappy: Ok boys, last game tonight.

Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!

KO: GAME FOUR, BOYS! GAME FOUR! PLAYOFFS!

Dougie: Not quite the last game, Jack.

Cappy: You said four games. This is game four.

Dougie: Well you have to win four games.

Cappy: How many we win?

Dougie: Two.

Cappy: So like…6 more?

deHaan: For real?

Boychuck: Jack – if you have six beers, and give me two, how many beers you have left?

Capuano: Not enough! OOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Boychuk: I walked right into that one. Dammit.

Capuano: Speaking of - what the hell were you doing Sunday? How many did you put down in the parking lot? You were a mess out there. Loved that.

Boychuck: Oh man, I don’t even know. But it wasn’t even the beers, of which there were – to use a higher mathematical term – a shit ton. It was whatever Mahty and Moulson gave me between the second and third. Man. Started kicking in towards the end of the period, I wasn’t planning on OT. But whatever it was, I’m out there, right, and then BAM – it kicks in, ya know? So I look up, I see Ovechkin coming at me, and he wears #8, so in my head I’m like, "Eight…eight…legs? Like a spider? HOLY SHIT THAT SPIDER IS HUGE AND HE’S COMING RIGHT AT ME!" So I’m like, "fuck that" and I hit the deck. I start swinging my stick trying to kill the giant spider – next thing I know, I wake up in my room, I put on NHL Tonight to see if we won or not, and there I am on TV, swinging my stick like a lunatic cause I think I’m going to be eaten by a spider and the guys on TV are like, "WHAT A PLAY BY BOYCHUK!" I just start dying laughing.

Cappy: That, boys, THAT is a hockey story. Warriah. Loving that. That’s like Mahty level, Johnny. Unreal. If you was still on the Bruins, I’d say that’s probably the greatest hockey story evah.

Boychuk: I know, I was thinking the same thing. Sucks, but whatever. Maybe in the future, when I’m old, I’ll change the timing to when I was on the Bruins.

Cappy: Solid plan.

Joshy: Was there really a giant spider, because I don’t want to go on the ice to play if there are going to be giant spiders because I’d be scared.

Frans: Giant spiders – Like FLANS NEEBLER! I WILL SLAY HIM!

Lee: I thought we figured out the Flans Neebler was a bug?

Frans: SEMANTICS!

Cappy: Johnny – just to be sure, there was no spidah, right?

Boychuk: Right. Just Ovi.

Joshy: Is Ovi a spider?

Frans: I WILL SLAY NUMBER EIGHT IF HE IS MY ARCH NEMESIS FLANS NEEBLER!

Cappy: Yeah, you really slayed him on that goal he scored, pal.

Frans: No one told me he was a giant spider man in hiding. I thought he was just a mortal, so I gave him his moment of glory. I knew we were to win, so what does it matter? But now, knowing he is a spider man, it will not happen again.

Joshy: So he’s Spider-Man?….OVI IS SPIDER-MAN!!!!! SPIDER-MAN SPIDER-MAN DOES WHATEVER A SPIDER CAN!!!! I LOVE SPIDER-MAN!!!!

Cizikas: Yeah, me too. I love Spider-Man…and the Flash. He’s awesome too.

Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!

KO: GAME FOUR, BOYS! GAME FOUR! PLAYOFFS!

Dougie: I always liked Aquaman. Never really understood it, I just did.

JT: Ahem.

Cappy: You sick?

JT: No…but we had a deal that if I scored 15 seconds into overtime you’d mention it…

Cappy: Yeah, if you scored fifteen seconds in, I would. But you didn’t.

JT: Huh?

Cappy: I counted to like….9 before you scored.

JT: 9 is before 15!

Cappy: teen. Nineteen…that’s after 15…..Dougie?

Dougie: It is.

JT: No NO! I scored fifteen seconds into Overtime and won us the goddamn game you piece of sh-

Cappy: OK, ok. Fair enough. Let’s all give Captain John some credit. He got his first goal of the playoffs, in the third game of the playoffs. That puts him in a tie with some huge names like Karl Azner, Macro Scandella and Andrej Sustr. Thanks for carrying us on your back there, John. Oh – and those guys all play D.

JT: Son of a ….

Strome: Getting back to the spiders….Is it true that all girls are scared of spiders?

Lee: Probably not all, but I’d say it’s a common human emotion.

Strome: So say I was to find the biggest spider in the world –

Cappy: Theraphosa blondi?

Strome: Blondie?…oh god…be right –

Cappy: Worlds largest spider. Theraphosa blondi – you common folk probably call it a Goliath Birdeater, but that’s why I’m the coach and get half off parking.

Strome: Oh…ok. Right. So say I get a giant birdeater spider. And say I ask whoever Shannon interviews to throw it on her. Do you think she’ll freak out and run down the hallway? And then I can wait in the hallway and then I can kill the spider. She’d think I was a hero, right?

Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!

KO: GAME FOUR, BOYS! GAME FOUR! PLAYOFFS! LET'S WIN THIS ONE, BOYS! REALLY GET SOME MOMENTUM!

JT: Well, Ryan, a better plan would be to score lots of goals and get that interview yourself.

Strome: Oh…well, that’s a problem. I’m not really allowed to be within a certain distance of her….

JT: Why?

Strome: Well…you know how like when you do interviews with her, and the camera shows you from like the chest up?

JT: Yes…

Strome: Well you know how in the part of you that the camera doesn’t show, like everything below the chest – you know how you probably wear pants when she interviews you?

JT: Yes…

Strome: Well, I kinda wasn’t.

Boychuk: Awesome.

Cizikas: Awesome.

JT: Why….not?

Strome: Marty told me that it works most of the time.

Boychuk: Little advice, kid: That never works.

Cappy: Never.

deHaan: Not once.

Matt Martin: It’s worked for me.

Kuleman: I have had luck with this too.

Lubo: Me too. It is my go to move, yes?

Joshy: Works how?

Cappy: No worries, Joshy. You just get out there and stop Spider-Man.

Joshy: NEVER! SPIDER-MAN IS MY FRIEND!

KO: THAT’S NOT SPIDER-MAN OUT THERE, JOSHY! THAT’S HIS EVIL ALTER EGO: VENOM!

Joshy: WHAT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!

KO: GAME FOUR, BOYS! GAME FOUR! PLAYOFFS! AND IT’S TOTALLY VENOM OUT THERE!

Joshy: I WILL STOP HIM! DO DO DO DOOOOOOOO!!!!

Cappy: Great, gameplan set. Stop Venom. In their net, outta ours. Let's do this.