Cappy Pre-Gamer: Game Two vs Capitals

(Special for the playoffs, we highlight LHH community member Les Beaver's ongoing series of dramatic interpretations of what Jack Capuano's pre-game pep talks sound like.)

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Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!

KO: GAME 2 BOYS! GAME 2! PLAYOFFS!

Cappy: So I see the guy with the hair and the gloves and he’s wiping the Cup down, and I’m like "just give me the Cup". He’s all, "no way, you didn’t win it yet." I’m like, "We just won, by like 9 goals. I was 4-1 or something." He’s like it was only the first game. I’m like, "You lost me." So I guess we’re still playing. Who we playin?

deHaan: Washington.

Cappy: So the Seattle one this time.

deHaan: No. DC again.

Cappy: Didn’t we just beat them?

deHaan: Yes, it’s a best of seven. And Seattle doesn’t even have a team.

Cappy: Dougie?

Weight: We need to beat Washington three more times. Actually, until I say differently, just assume we’re playing the Capitals.

Cappy: I can do that. Any of these games gonna be in LA?

Weight: No. We may get to play in Anaheim, but that’s a ways off yet. For now, focus on beating Trotz.

Cappy: Guy can’t hit a G shahp, no worries, boys.

JT: Any ideas for hockey?

Cappy: Not really. Just do whatever you did last time. What you have like 5 goals, John?

Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!

KO: GAME 2 BOYS! GAME 2! PLAYOFFS!

JT: I had a nice assist on Stromer’s goal.

Cappy: John’s got an assist, boys. Look out!

Strome: Guys – Shannon talked to me. You guys see that? She totally talked to me. She asked me questions and stuff. We talked about scoring. I did what Johnny said and I just looked up at the lights. Not down. "When you look down, you can’t look back back up."

Johnny: Atta boy, kid.

Strome: I think I gotta a chance, guys. I love the playoffs.

Cizikas: Me too. I love the playoffs.

Cappy: OK, Friday night in Seattle, I don’t need to explain the OT situation again.

Leddy: Didn’t we just say we’re not in Seattle?

Cappy: Oh, you back?

Leddy: Huh? Oh. No. I just forgot my…uh…my cup.

Joshy: Giggling, whispers. He wears a cup to protect his wee-wee. Giggles.

Leddy: Anyway, I gotta go ….. and prepare.

Clutterbuck: YOU GOING TO ANOTHER PREGAMER SOMEWHERE? I’M IN! PLAYOFFS!

KO: GAME 2 BOYS! GAME 2! PLAYOFFS!

Leddy: No. I’m not a pre-gamer type of guy.

Cappy: I get that. I used to hate the pregamers. Guy up there talking about forechecking and backchecking.

Cronin: Ugh. I know. It’s like Greek.

Cappy: I always said, "When I’m a coach, I’m gonna do it right." Anyone watching iZombie? Love that show.

Cizikas: I love that show.

Cappy: Yeah? It’s good, right?

Cizikas: Never saw it…but I know I’d love it. It has people in it, right?

Cappy: Lots of em.

Cizikas: Awesome. I love that.

Cappy: She eats brains – which unless you’re really in a tight spot, I do not recommend. Anyway, she gets visions from the dead brain. Solves mysteries. Good stuff.

JT: Do they play hockey?

Cappy: They’re zombies, John. Of course they don’t play hockey…actually, I dunno. Do zombies play hockey? I had a run in with some zombies down in Haiti, I’m not at liberty to get into the details, but there was no hockey. Then again, Haiti ain’t exactly a hockey hotbed, so maybe it’s not representative of all zombies. Frans – do Danish zombies play hockey.

Frans: Yes – IF I SO WILL IT!

Cappy: And if you don’t will it?

Frans: Yes. They still play hockey.

Cappy: OK boys, this is a game changer. We gotta let Gahth know about the hockey zombies. This is gonna put the draft on it’s head.

JT: I don’t think we’re going to change the draft strategy because of zombies.

Cappy: Know what, you’re right. I just remembered watching some post game interviews and it looks like we already got a zombie in the system. Drafted first overall in 2009! OHHHHHHH!

Boychuk: Sick burn, bro!

Cappy: (in a mocking, monotone voice): "I like what we did out there. We need to stick to our system. Play our game. Eat more brains. I like to eat brains and talk in one droning hum like this because I am a zombie and boring and don’t know how to pahty after games like my coach does and he’s the best – "

JT: Shut up. I’m going with Leddy. (Leaves)

Joshy: Giggles, whispers, I wonder if he’ll bring his cup too!

KO: SAFETY FIRST, JOSHY!

Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!

KO: GAME 2 BOYS! GAME 2! PLAYOFFS!

Cappy: I’m getting a headache. OK boys, we lose tonight, not a big deal. I think we get like 3 loses or something.

deHaan: Not the best plan, really.

Cappy: Then you run the next one, Calvin. I’ll put Dono in you keep that attitude up.

deHaan: If we win four straight, you could wind up with like a week off. A little vacation in the middle of the playoffs? How great would that look? While all those other fools are out there playing games 5,6,7 you could be sending them evites to Beach parties, really rub it in.

Cappy: I like where your head is.

deHaan: Just imagine Quenneville getting your Evite, and he’s all psyched, and then he seems the date is on his Game 6 night. You think he’s not gonna be pissed?

Cappy: Love that. Nolan – that guy would blow off a Game 6 for a pahty, but not Quenneville. Guy’s a stiff. When Hammer is back, you’re in charge of communications.

deHaan: OK. Wait…does that mean I don’t play hockey?

Cappy: I dunno, probably. Johnny – staht looking at hotels. We gotta sweep this series.

JT: NICE! ….Oh, I’m back.

Cappy: Did you just stand in the hallway listening like some weirdo?

Strome: Why is that weird?

JT: Uhhh…….no?

Strome: Hiding and listening, why is that weird? Do you think Shannon thinks it’s weird? Do you think she knows? Guys – I need more goals tonight so I can get another interview with her and ask her if she knows and if she thinks it’s weird.

JT: We’ll get you goals, Ryan. Stick with me.

Strome: OK, I should probably get like 3 or 4. Increase my odds.

JT: I agree.

Johnny: Dono – book the Best Western in Ocean City. Get a corner room – it’s the playoffs, boys. Gonna do this right.