My open letter to N.Y. Rangers fans

This is my open letter to all NY Rangers fans, BOTH kinds. TYPE-A RANGER FAN, please scroll down, enjoy the read, and good luck tonight. You may think this rant a little excessive, but after living amongst your lesser-evolved compatriots, I can’t take it anymore. TYPE-B RANGER FAN, you probably won’t be able to read this whole thing because I use a couple big words and you most-likely have the attention span of a gnat. Even if you do make it all the way through, you’re too oblivious to realize this is about you.

TYPE-A RANGER FAN You’re a Ranger fan second and a hockey fan first. You follow the Rangers because your parents or grandparents grew up somewhere in the City and you’re keeping the family tradition alive. You stayed faithful to your team, even when they were not the best in town. You watch the playoffs even after the Rangers are eliminated or if they didn’t make it that year. You can name someone on the Calgary Flames. When the Islanders had an impressive run for 2/3 this season, you’d be found saying things like, "Wow. Never thought I’d see NY teams in 1st and 2nd place at the same time. Great to be a hockey fan." Yes Islanders Fans, Type A Rangers fans do exist. I work with a few and am even fortunate enough to call a few of them good friends.

To you, I say job well-done. You had amazing season with quite the finish. It was inspiring how the team did not miss a beat when Henrik went down. The salary cap was the best thing that ever happened to your team. After years of ridiculous free-agent signings, ending with Richards, you’ve drafted exceptionally and your new free agents have been excellent fits. To be honest, Keith Yandel was my dream pick-up at the deadline. Good luck in the playoffs. It would be pretty fitting to see an Isles/Rangers series in this final year of the Coliseum. On paper I’d say we’re pretty even. Your goaltending is better, our forwards are better, only because we can consistently roll four dangerous lines, and with the addition of Yandel, I’d say our defences are even. The only reason I wouldn’t really look forward to a NY playoff series is that tickets would be that much harder to get, and I honestly don’t want my last memory at the old barn half-filled with opposing fans. (No offense)

TYPE-B RANGER FAN – You live in the middle of Nassau County, but you root for the Rangers because they were the better NY team in the EA Sports NHL video game, even though you had an old Islanders hat from back when they were great. You have a deluded sense of reality where the Rangers are the be-all, end-all of the hockey world. For some reason, you think that winning the Cup in ’94 by recruiting all the old Edmonton Oilers is The Single Greatest Sporting Event not only in NY, but in the History of all Mankind. Many Rangers fans are also Yankees fans (This makes sense, since both teams were synonymous with luring superstars by having the highest team salaries in their respective leagues.) I think your false sense of Rangers entitlement is because you get the 2 teams confused in your small brain. The Yankees won 5 championships with a core of players who played with them for years. The Rangers won 1 with a bunch of rentals. The Devils won 3 of these things since, they had a franchise player who was the best ever at his position, and you barely hear a peep out of them! But not you. You scream things like "Potvin Sucks!" at the top of your lungs. Hmm. Potvin sucks? Hall-of-famer, 4-time Stanley Cup winning, 2nd-best defenceman of all time Dennis Potvin sucks? Interesting. And why? Ulf Nilsson himself says the hit was clean. Oh wait, you don’t even know who Ulf Nilsson is. But you chant "Potvin Sucks!" to this day all the same. The Islanders used to have a chant. It went "Nineteen-forty!" You know what happened after 1994? We stopped yelling that. You know why? BECAUSE IT WOULDN’T MAKE SENSE ANYMORE. Oh wait, I’m trying to apply logic with you, and here you are, just a TYPE-B RANGERS FAN.

This year, you somehow miraculously kept your big mouths shut for half a season as the Isles owned first place and beat the Rangers 3 games in a row, only to suddenly awaken when the Rangers got hot. This year, you probably had a conversation that went something like this: ISLES FAN-"I can’t believe the Isles have are 11-1-1 in their past 13." YOU-"So, the Rangers won their last 5 in a row!" Um…ok. Weren’t the Rangers in the finals last year? Is it really that unexpected that the Rangers are good? ISLES FAN-"I can’t remember when the Islanders were in 1st place after Christmas!" YOU-"Well, the Rangers are 4 points back with 2 games in hand!" Why are you so bitter? The Islanders were in the bottom 5 teams last year. They’ve had the worst last 20 years of any sports franchise; they’ve had multiple fraudulent owners; they play in an arena that was outdated the day it opened; and you find the need to impose your greatness over them during their one rare moment in the spotlight. Oh, that’s right; you’re a bully. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. (That’s a simile, not a reference to our "fish sticks jerseys.")

You’re an idiot. You actually went out and spent your money on a Sean Avery jersey. You come to my Coliseum, curse your head off, and throw beers at people. You wear socks with sandals. You think Sammy Hagar is better than David Lee Roth. Trying to have a conversation with you is like to talking to an elbow. I hate you. Have another beer and go kiss your Mark Messier bobble head doll.

I hope the injury-decimated Penguins sweep the Rangers. I hope Steve Downie obliterates someone, how about Krieder, karma for taking out Carey Price last year. For all his skating talent, someone should really teach that guy how to stop.

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