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Cappy's Pre-Gamer: Game 1 versus Capitals

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Special for the playoffs: LHH community member Les Beaver brings another in his ongoing series of dramatic interpretations of what Jack Capuano's pre-game pep talks sound like.

(The following previously posted from today's Bits post and is being broken out here. Stay tuned to LHH for more this Spring. Maybe.)

Clutterbuck: PRE-GAMER, BOYS! PLAYOFFS!
KO: PLAYOFFS!
Cappy: Greatness, boys. It's not given... It's not taken...It's not earned. It is, in fact - by it's very nature - chosen. It's not an easy choice; but each and every one of you have to make that choice: ‘Do I want to be great?' Only YOU can make that choice. Only YOU can choose to make YOU great. Your line mates, your goalie, your coaches - they don't make you great. YOUR hard work. YOUR determination. YOUR persistence, awareness, respect, accountability - these make YOU great - and these are all choices only YOUcan make. Tonight - it's YOUR choice. YOU can go out and choose Greatness, or you can be content with how far we've come. You choose. Look at everyone around you -those that gave you support and those that tried to knock you down - and decide which choice you want to make for them to see. Me? I want to show them I appreciate what they've done for me - by doing for them the best thing I can do for them: Be Great. Be the Best. Prove them Wrong. Show them - ah goddamn it, sloth in my head again. Joshy, get him outta here. What I was talking about?
JT: Greatness. It was fantastic. Keep going.
Cappy: Meh. Whatevah. You know what's great?
JT: Yes. You said it. It's a choice we can make. More on that, please.
Cappy: You can't choose to be great, John. That's ridiculous. You can, however, choose to not have a second cannoli - well, some of us can anyway.
JT: Son of BITCH! 
Cappy: Congrats on that big top scorer award - The Walter Mondale or whatever. I heard you were gonna get it...no?
JT: I hate you.
Lee: Who's Walter Mondale.
Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!
KO: PLAYOFFS!
JT: Put Calvin back in now. No offence to Brian, but he's not very good.
Strait: I know, right? Even I'm like, "WTF, dude!" I opened an online account. I'm always posting shit like "WHY DO YOU KEEP PLAYING STRAIT!" and people are all agreeing with me all the time. I got like 100 twitter followers now.
Cappy: 100? I only got three.
Strait: I gotta be honest, I wouldn't mind some time off. Hockey is tiring.
Cappy: Noted. I guess it all depends on whether or not deHaan has learned his lesson.
deHaan: What lesson?
Cappy: That just because a burrito is sitting in the refrigerator with no name written on it, or in this instance, the name is maybe spelled wrong - 
Hamonic: How do you spell your own name wrong?
Cappy: I go by many names, Travis, it's hard to keep track. Bottom line - don't go eating another man's burrito.
deHaan: It was in there for over a week!
Cappy: Not the point. And it's called "marinating".
deHaan: It was wrapped in a plastic wrapper!
JT: So you've been sitting him for a month because he ate a ninety nine cent burrito?
Cappy: Well since you didn't get us into first, I ain't getting no two free hot dogs and a fountain soda. I gotta do what I gotta do.
JT: Does Garth now you did this?
Cappy: It was his idea.
JT: What? Give me a phone.....Garth, yeah it's me....Johnny....no Tavares....why can't there be two? It's just a name....we have like 3 Matt's....whatever. Did you know Calvin's been sitting the past few weeks because of a burrito....he said it was in there for a week....Calvin - was it past it's expiration date?
deHaan: No. Had a couple of days left.
Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!
KO: PLAYOFFS!
JT: You heard that?....uh huh.....but.....wait, why would it being expired make for a different conversation?...I think you have built a nice culture here, sure....I wouldn't want people like that around me either....I mean, if I'm looking at a contract and Lou is on the other side...ok, I can see that....I mean, yeah, if Lou said that my teammates here would steal my lunch, that might resonate, I just might sign with him instead, sure....when you it put that way, makes sense....ok, thanks. Later...I don't think he knows it's the playoffs, no.....right. I see what you're saying.....bye. You're a dick, Calvin.
deHaan: It was going to go bad!
Cappy: You still haven't replaced it, by the way. Anyway, Hickey - you rolling the film? Edit that dark sloth stuff out. No one wants to hear that. Who we playin? 
Nelson: Washington.
Cappy: Which one?
Nelson: DC. 
Cappy: So not Seattle. This still the regular season, or the playoffs or whatevah? 
Nelson: Playoffs.
Clutterbuck: PLAYOFFS!
KO: PLAYOFFS!
Cappy: OK boys, big time. Lots of cameras, face time, let's look good out there. Hickey - you know what to do.
Hickey: Yes. It's all covered. Donovan is running makeup. Kulemin is in charge of wardrobe.
Cappy: Lovin this. Johnny - tux under the jersey?
Boychuk: Oh you know it. I'm jumping right off the ice and into the limo. Got no time for a wardrobe change.
Cappy: That's a Warrior, boys. Now, most of you ain't meeting with media two, three times a day like I am, so let me just say: don't freak out. You seen John in post game interviews? All wide eyed and saying stupid stuff no one cares about? Don't do that. Be like me, Gahth and Johnny, calm, cool. Have some talking points ready. They ask about hockey stuff a lot, so if that's your strong point, go with that. If not, do what I do, shift the conversation - movies, fitness, discipline, stuff like that. Johnny goes off on saying crazy things about sticking together or new seasons, makes no sense - but no one cares. You just gotta look good doing it. Has Gahth ever said anything interesting or news worthy? Nope. But you hang on every word. That ain't an accident.
Clutterbuck: WHAT'S THE PROPER VOLUME LEVEL FOR INTERVIEWS?
Cappy: To each his own, Cal.
Clutterbuck: GREAT. LET'S DO THIS! (leaves)
Cappy: Where's Leddy? He still on the team?
Hickey: He said if these are optional he's never coming to one again.
Cappy: Guy plays hahd, knows what he wants. Gotta give him that. OK, most important thing tonight, boys: No Overtime. We go to overtime, and no one scores, know what happens?
JT: Another overtime.
Cappy: Another overtime. And another and another. Could take forever, and me and Johnny got a limo to catch. 
Donovan: Technically it's a Honda.
Cappy: It's got a drivah, it's a limo. Simple enough formula, Dono. But anyway, no overtime. 
Dougie Weight: I don't know if my nerves could handle an Easter Epic. Could you imagine that happening twice?
JT: That's one of my dreams. Scoring at like 2 am after six hours of hockey. Man...
Cappy: I don't know what an Easter epoch is, but six hours is a nightmare scenario, John. Let's not go there. Way I see it, no one wants to lose, but it ain't the worst thing. After six hours, I'd just leave, to be honest. Look, we lose tonight, the sooner me and The Boys wake up in Cape Cod. But hey, we win a few more, we wake up in the Cape with more broads than we know what to do with. Play hahd, smaht, in there net, outta ours. Good stuff.