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Zeitgeist: Desperate Sportsnet adds SCTV cast to Hockey Central Trade Deadline show

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No trades on Monday? No problem.

A look at Sportsnet's SCTV set for Monday's trade deadline show
A look at Sportsnet's SCTV set for Monday's trade deadline show

Worried that the recent spate of notable NHL trades will leave them with nothing to talk about during their 10-hour deadline analysis marathon, Sportsnet has added some cast members from the classic Canadian comedy series SCTV to help entertain viewers.

Running from 8 a.m. until 6 p.m this Monday, March 2, Sportsnet's Hockey Central Trade Deadline will provide hockey fans with in-depth trade breakdowns from Damien Cox, Nick Kypreos, Glenn Healy and Doug MacLean as well as side-splitting comedy skits from legends such as Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara, Dave Thomas, Rick Moranis and Martin Short.

The SCTV alums will fill time between trades, which could be few and far between this year, as many of the biggest names - as well as some surprising ones - have already been moved.

"The Hockey Central Trade Deadline gives hockey fans wall-to-wall coverage of one of the busiest days of the NHL calendar," Sportsnet president Scott Moore said. "But when you're not sure who's left to even be traded, you need to be prepared to fill air time. And we've spared no expense to bring in the best."

"You'll either have six analysts breaking down a deal, or the McKenzie Brothers talking about hosers and knobs. Viewers can't lose." - Sportsnet president Scott Moore.

Highly sought-after players such as Jaromir Jagr, Daniel Winnik and Andrej Sekera were traded days before the deadline. The Toronto Maple Leafs made possibly the wildest deal of the year by sending winger David Clarkson, whose contract was thought to be unmovable, to the Columbus Blue Jackets for injured forward Nathan Horton. This leaves Sportsnet scraping for whatever is left, and possibly having to talk for hours about complimentary players Curtis Glencross and Chris Stewart as if they're Brendan Shanahan and Wayne Gretzky.

"Whether we have two trades or twenty, Sportsnet and SCTV will be there," Moore said. "You'll either have six analysts breaking down a deal, or the McKenzie Brothers talking about hosers and knobs. Viewers can't lose."

SCTV premiered on the Global Television Network in 1976 before moving on to CBC and eventually NBC in the United States during the early 1980's. The mostly improvised sketch comedy show spawned many classic characters such as Bob & Doug McKenzieCount FloydEd GrimleyBobby Bittman and Mayor Tommy Shanks, played by the late John Candy.

The performers plan to bring their creations back to life for this one-time event while also adding a hockey spin to the skits. According to the official press release, the sketches will include the following:

  • Monster Chiller Horror Theatre - host Count Floyd (played by Joe Flaherty) will tell "scaaaary stories" about players everyone thought were dead, but were really only playing for the Coyotes.
  • Whose Knife Is It Anyway? - O'Hara and Andrea Martin guess which traded players were "bad in the room" in this classic talk show spoof.
  • Bobby Bittman's Blue Line Bombs - Levy's unhinged, ego-maniacal stand-up comic berates and insults the hockey analysts until they either leave the set or assault him.
  • Ed Grimley Alert - Short wears high-waisted pants and plays the triangle whenever a trade is made.
  • Bob & Doug's Trade Brews - Moranis and Thomas' Canadian icons grade historic NHL trades by seeing how many mice they can fit in beer bottles.

"And that's just the tip of the iceberg," said the caterpillar-browed Levy, who promised that even more characters will appear during the show. "This is such a wonderful opportunity for us to reunite and bring our art to an entirely new audience that's only seen us on YouTube.

"Sure, Sportsnet could just talk about the Maple Leafs for 10 hours like they do everyday. Or they could have brought in that rap guy the kids like who's always at the basketball games. But they asked nicely and offered us a lot of money, so we're coming. Seriously, we're being paid a lot of money for this."

Memorials are also planned for deceased cast members Candy and Harold Ramis, and a moment of silence will be observed for TSN's NHL rights.

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This is fake. It isn't real. if you are a masochist and watch all 10 hours of Sportsnet's Trade Deadline Show, you will not see any SCTV alums, but you may see Damien Cox in your nightmares.