Cappy's Opening Night Pre-Gamer. Brooklyn, coffee, zombies and the magic of the internet

The Video:

The Script:

Cappy: OK, I can see you....nope, I lost you...OK, I can see you again....nope, lost you...I can see everyone else though...oh, there you are - nope, lost you.

Dougie: That's probably because I keep leaving the screen to adjust the wires in the back, Jack.

Cappy: I don't see no wires....ok, good, you're back. Let's get this stahted...where'd you go?

Dougie: I'm right here, Jack. Just standing off to the side like I always do.

Cappy: OK, good. Is Strait holding the screen in front of his head so it looks like my head is on his body?

Strait: I am, Coach.

Cappy: Great. Now let's get to it. First off, welcome to all of you new guys. I see a lot of new faces. Just a heads up that we do things a little differently around here.

JT: Why is he on a computer screen?

Bailey: I BET HE GOT HIS OWN OFFICE SINCE WE GOT THIS AWESOME NEW BUILDING THAT THEY TOLD ME WOULD HAVE A PLAYGROUND EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T AND HE'S BROADCASTING LIVE TO US!

KO: DOES THAT MEAN THAT THE HALLWAY WILL NOW BE CLEAR OF YOUR DESK, COACH?

Cappy: I in fact did get a new office, Kyle, but Garth wanted a place for a coffee machine and to hang his coat, so I will still be using the desk in the hallway - albeit a new hallway. Same desk. Now, about the computer screen Brian is holding.

Hickey: I'm not big on video games, but man, they are really getting life like.

Strome: They have done amazing things. Not surprisingly, the adult film industry is really paving the way in this medium. For example - in the latest 3D series by Vivid vid-

Cappy: I am not a video game, boys. I mean, my likeness can be found in many a video game, but right now, I'm coming to you live via Skrope.

Dougie: Skype.

Cappy: Whatevah.

Clutterbuck: VIRTUAL PRE-GAMER!

KO: NEW SEASON, BOYS! COACH IS IN THE MATRIX, BOYS! HE CAN SEE THE CODE!

Cappy: I got no idea what that means, but apparently there was a misunderstanding. The new arena we're playin' in - it's in Brooklyn....New York. That's like one of them places that's in the city, but not really in the city. I ain't never quite figured that out, but there are apparently five cities in New York City, but only one that actually counts or something. Brooklyn is one of the nine that don't count.

Grabovski: The five boroughs, yes.

Cappy: You speaking Spanish? I think you may remember how Gahth and I and others in the organization were all happy we were moving to Brooklyn, right? Well apparently, when we agreed to Brooklyn we assumed they meant Brookline....Massachusetts.

Garth: That's on me. My bad.

Cappy: No big deal, but now I gotta sell this house I bought.

JT: Or not.

Cappy: Anyway, I left today to find the arena, and no one in Brookline was aware of any NHL arenas nearby, so I'm at a Stahbucks using some kids Skrope computer. Stay away from the Frappuchinos, boys. It's like Cahb heaven. It'll go right to your waist. I bet the new guy can tell you all about it.

Thomas Greiss: You are talking to me?

Cappy: No, the other new guy. You? What's your name?........I'm talking to the chubby guy......blue shirt....

Petrov: Dis is me, you are of spoke to?

Cappy: Nope. 19....you, 19. Front row.

Hickey: We don't have a 19......

Cappy: Dougie?

Weight: I think he means 91.

Cappy: Same thing. Black hair that probably sticks of his helmet cause he don't understand the propah use of product. What can you tell us about Frappuccinos?

JT: I'm not playing this game with you.

Cappy: New guy comes in like he owns that joint. Love that attitude. Hope it translates on the ice. I'm guessing you're a Caffe Vanilla guy.

JT: Can we talk about hockey?

Cappy: Classic Chai Crème, right?

JT: Look, we're playing the Blackhawk's tonight. Guys are defending champs, we need to make a state-

Cappy: Java Chip - definitely.

JT: CARAMEL COCOA CLUSTER BUT I ONLY DRINK THEM IN THE OFF SEASON GET OFF MY BACK.

Cappy: Those are good too. Now, I don't need to tell you guys....where'd you all go?

Strait: Sorry - I forgot I was holding the computer, I totally dropped you.

Cappy: No worries, Kevin.

JT: He dropped that right on his foot. That had to hurt but he didn't even flinch.

Strait: What?

Hickey: I saw it too. Caught the corner of the computer on your foot and you're wearing flip flops. How are you not screaming in pain right now?

Strait: Uhhhh...I don't feel pain?

Strome: Really? That seems like it would take a lot of the fun out of several types of bond-

Hickey: Wait - What do you mean you don't feel pain?

Strait: Zombies don't feel. We're dead so we have no need for pain as an indicator that something is wrong. Duh.

Petrov: Zombie...this is зомби, yes? Like in "The Walker Dead"?

Grabovski: Yes. Zombie.

Petrov: So the useless one is dead one?

Grabovski: Things are starting to be clear, yes?

Cappy: Brian caught it back in the zombie uprising of naught 9.

Clutterbuck: I HATE THAT "NAUGHT" STUFF.

Cappy: He got a pickaxe through the head. Came back a few hours later and still played top line minutes. Guys a warriah.

Joshy: I'm scared of zombies....

Strait: Nothing to worry about. I'm not one of them fast zombies.

JT: Clearly.

KO: DO YOU EAT BRAINS, BRIAN?

Strait: Yes! I sure do. Took awhile to adjust but now I find I enjoy them. I'm a big Sriracha fan.

Zeeker: I love Sriracha.

Clutterbuck: WHY DON'T YOU EAT THE BRAINS OF THE PLAYERS ON THE OTHER TEAMS, DOUCHE BAG? THAT WOULD BE USEFUL.

Strait: Well, I don't like the way helmets taste for one. Plus I'm pretty sure that would be a penalty. I don't want to put the team down a man just to satiate my hunger.

Strome: Hi. Wow. This is exciting. OK - I have several questions. First - are you able to -

Cappy: Can we get back to business here? No one cares that the guy is a zombie.

Boychuck: That would be racist.

Cappy: Tonight's the first game in our new house. We gotta look good. I'm gonna be on the bench via hologram, right Dougie?

Dougie: Butchie won't lease out the hologram technology until he gets his $5 back from you, so no. I did however purchase a bunch of balloons that I will load into a suit and place behind the bench.

Cappy: That's a lot of thinking, boys. Love it. Make sure you draw a good face on it this time. Something intense. Quenville got that nice moustache going. Give me a goatee.

Dougie: You got it.

Cappy: OK - hold on....OK, I gotta go. This kid says he needs to finish his homework, so I gotta give him his computer back. Good luck, boys.

Zidlicky: Who was that?

Hickey: That's our coach.

Bernier: I was told not to ask questions.

Hamonic: That's the safest path.

Hickey: Can we get back to the Zombie thing?

Strome: Yes. Let's go back there. I have 12 questions - #1 - are you able to perform -

Boychuk: Why we have to make a big deal out of it? You guys sound like racists.

Hickey: Zombie isn't a race.

Boychuk: Brian?

Strait: I dunno. I never thought of myself as a "Zombie" Defenseman. I was just a "defenseman" in my mind.

Boychuk: Exactly.

Hickey: Yes, exactly. It's not the "zombie" part of that phrase that bugs me. It's that he thinks he's a defenseman at all.

Dougie: OK boys, I'm gonna be pulling double duty tonight - running the bench and operating Balloon Jack.

JT: I'll run the bench.

Dougie: That'll help. Cronin - you got PK and PP (Joshy giggles) covered?

Cronin: Uhh...I gotta be honest, this summer flew by. I never got around to reading those hockey books you gave me....I am all caught up on Game of Thrones though...

Dougie: Is that going to help the on the ice product?

Cronin: Probably not...unless were allowed to wage war and stab people a lot....can we do that?

Dougie: No.

Frans: ALL THOSE LOCKOUTS AND WE CAN NOT GET SIMPLE THINGS LIKE WAR AND MURDER BUILT INTO THE GAME! WEAK!

Clutterbuck: PRE-GAMER IS OVER BOYS! GAME PLAN SET! RAINS OF CASTAMERE BOYS!

KO: JON SNOW CAN'T BE DEAD, BOYS! I BET HE WARGED OUT. THAT'S MY THEORY!

Dougie: OK boys, I've been working on this for years: "Be the best we can be, one shift at a time"....nice, right?

JT: I like it, Dougie.

Zeeker: Me too. I love that.

Dougie: Thanks, John, Casey.

Strome: So does this mean we don't need to put it in their net and keep it out of ours anymore?

Dougie: Well, no, I mean, that too. But let's just focus -

Clutterbuck: HOW MANY THINGS ARE WE EXPECTED TO REMEMBER?

Dougie: It's not something to remember, just like a thing to focus on....I guess.

Boychuk: I dunno. It's a little vague. I like the thing with the nets.

Dougie: OK...then go with that. In their net, outta ours, cant lose.....

KO: GAME TIME, BOYS!

___

Written By: Les Beaver

Voices: Michael Rosenblum (Rosey07)

Video: John Botte (jbotte)

Audio: Jeff Keiler (keilj07)