Zeitgeist: Large deposit of Islanders fans found underneath Nassau Coliseum

A team of geological scientists have discovered a reservoir of New York Islanders fans hidden in a cave deep below Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum.

Experts estimate that the 800-square-foot, two-mile deep well, packed with thousands of hockey fans that have been buried and believed lost for generations, may date as far back as the late 1980's.

"It really is a remarkable find," said dig leader Ergan Keach of the Northeast Speleological Society. "You don't expect to stumble across a cave underneath a hockey arena, let alone one with a wellhead of human beings living away from the sun for decades. But once we started digging, more and more people just kept seeping out wearing Islanders gear."

The fissure was first discovered by local hikers. Laser and sonar tests by Keach's team showed the cave to be more than just the result of a glacial shift, earthquake or other seismic anomaly.

"We first suspected it was a sinkhole created by a shift in the sediment below the outwash plain south of Ronkonkoma," he said. "Turns out it was an entire ecosystem including an underground stream, a wide thatch of tree root fungus and a ton of Islanders fans.

"The hoard is in pretty good shape, all things considered. And they've somehow stayed up on the Islanders because they keep asking when the team will get a new back-up goalie and real left winger for John Tavares."

Keach says the stalactites, stalagmites and pools appear to be naturally produced, but the food stands, lounge area and internet access found in the settlings could point to some possible human interference.

The Islanders are enjoying a resurgent season, leading the Metropolitan Division and the Eastern Conference at the time of the deposit's discovery. After years of losing and rebuilding, their roster is finally deep enough to compete with the NHL's best and make them a contender for the team's first Stanley Cup since 1983.

Further tests will be run on the deposit in the coming weeks, as scientists try to determine exactly how old the cave is and how the Islanders fans formed there in the first place.

"There doesn't seem to be any way in or out," Keach said of the cave. "Either the Islanders fans deliberately buried themselves there or they are an entirely new vein that evolved on its own. Either theory is plausible."

The Islanders announced no plans to officially tap the reservoir until all the tests are complete and the fans inside it are deemed to safe for human interaction.

___

This is fake, there is no cave under Nassau Coliseum, so please don't dig up the parking lot until after September, 2015.