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Zeitgeist: 'Dog' The Bounty Hunter, Steven Seagal and Jesse Ventura vow to capture cross-continental criminal Sidney Crosby

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New delta force plans to shut down what could be a vast empire of evil headed by the NHL's reigning MVP.

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Captain Penguin & Captain Freedom
Captain Penguin & Captain Freedom

A trio of rough-and-tumble television justice seekers are joining forces to apprehend a threat that is both at large and larger-than-life.

Bounty Hunter Duane "Dog" Chapman, along with martial artist, actor and sheriff Steven Seagal, and former wrestler, actor and governor of Minnesota Jesse Ventura have all vowed to capture and arrest NHL star Sidney Crosby, who they claim is currently undertaking a cross-continent crime wave and is avoiding arrest thanks to his celebrity status and devious mind.

"He won't get away with this, I guarantee you that," Chapman said at the small press conference called by the team before embarking on their manhunt. "Don't be fooled. This Sidney Crosby is a disease on North America and he needs to be stopped."

Crosby, the Pittsburgh Penguins' captain and leading scorer, made news on Wednesday when Canadian wire service QMI reported that he had been arrested for a "driving related" offense in Ottawa, Ontario. Very quickly, the Ottawa Police announced that the story was not true and that Crosby had not been in custody at any time. The Penguins confirmed that Crosby was in Vail, Colorado, training for the upcoming season. QMI later retracted the story and apologized.

"For all we know, Sidney Crosby was the pervert scumbag hacker nutjob that put all those stolen nudie pictures on the internet last week. Anything is possible with someone this unpredictable." - Jesse Ventura on at-large menace Sidney Crosby

But that's not good enough for Chapman, Seagal and especially Ventura, who plans on using his vast knowledge of conspiracies and shadow organizations to uncover the real truth behind Crosby's suspicious activities.

"One minute, the guy is picked up by the mounties," Ventura said. "The next minute he's supposedly 2,000 miles away and the story is retracted. Something is not right. We will find out how deep this mess goes and just how much damage this clown has done across the U.S.A. and Canada.

"For all we know, Sidney Crosby was the pervert scumbag hacker nutjob that put all those stolen nudie pictures on the internet last week. Anything is possible with someone this unpredictable."

The three men are uniquely qualified to capture the world's most dangerous malcontents. Ventura, known during his wrestling days as "The Body," knows the underside of bureaucracy and government. Chapman has been a bounty hunter for 27 years, and has been tracking down bail jumpers on TV since 2004. He recently vowed to catch on-the-lamb MMA fighter War Machine, who was arrested by police and will face trial for allegedly beating his ex-girlfriend. And Seagal is a 7th-dan blackbelt in Aikido that has been a deputized lawman in Louisiana for two decades before relocating to Arizona.

"To catch a punk, you need to think like a punk," said Seagal, who is known for his zen-like countenance and roundhouse kicks. "Once we find Crosby, we'll have a little chat and convince him to turn himself in. If he wants to play rough, well... we can play rough, too."

Crosby is both a two-time NHL MVP and winner of the Art Ross Trophy as the league's leading scorer. He led the Penguins to two Stanley Cup finals, winning the ice hockey league's championship in 2009. The four-time All Star is widely considered the league's best player.

But none of that will help him against Ventura, Seagal and "Dog."

"We're taking him down for everything he's done," Chapman said. "He'll squeal like a pig and sing like a canary when we get him."

The Penguins maintain Crosby's alibi, and QMI has yet to retract their retraction of the original story. No further comments about the Ottawa incident are expected. Even if new information does come forward, Ventura said the team's manhunt will begin immediately so as to catch Crosby off guard.

"I ain't got time to read," he said before handing out flyers advertising his new online show "Off The Grid" on website Ora.tv as well as new seasons of Steven Seagal: Lawman currently airing on Reelz network and Dog and Beth: On The Hunt on CMT.

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THIS IS NOT REAL (or REELZ). These guys are not chasing Sidney Crosby. Unless he turns on a television and has absolutely nothing else to watch.