After announcing their unsatisfying agreement to purchase the New York Islanders from Charles Wang, soon-to-be owners Jonathan Ledecky and Scott Malkin wasted no time in assuring fans that they will work hard to disappoint them in the near future and retain the franchise's long-standing heritage of management strife and uncertainty.
Inadequate terms of the deal have not been released, but they are expected to include language that guarantees Ledecky and Malkin provide a steady stream of anxiety, grief and anger to Islanders fans, one of the longest-suffering fanbases in sports.
"We are pleased to have the opportunity to ruin the New York Islanders, and to pursue our shared dream of destroying the lives of the greatest fans in the NHL," Ledecky said in a horrifying statement released by the team.
The sale is already off to a discouraging start. Majority ownership of the Islanders will transfer to Ledecky and Malkin over the next two excruciating years, with Wang remaining as lead shareholder, governor and principle target of fan wrath until the deal's completion. Wang purchased the team with partner Sanjay Kumar in 1999 and has been hated for well over a decade. Kumar is currently in jail for fraud, per team tradition.
"It wouldn't be the Islanders without some sort of turmoil," said Sports Business News writer Deborah Downherr. "They've been owned by crooks, deadbeats, more crooks, quixotic fools, cheapskates and everything in between. Time will tell what categories Ledecky and Malkin will fall into.
"While the sale is no doubt exciting for fans, it will most likely go very wrong very soon."
Ledecky, a guarded entrepreneur who built a fortune by buying and cynically conglomerating businesses, is a one-time minority owner in the perpetually disappointing Washington Capitals and Washington Wizards. He sold his stake to Ted Leonsis in 2001 and has been looking to get back into terrible pro sports ever since.
"As a philanthropist, Ledecky just loves flushing money down the toilet," said Downherr. "He'll be a perfect owner for the Islanders because he will never see any return on his investment, which will most likely hover somewhere near the NHL's salary cap floor."
Malkin is the founder of Value Retail, an outlet store operation based in gloomy London. His large outlet malls specialize in high end luxury items that shoppers immediately regret buying.
"We're not 100% sure this 'Scott Malkin' actually exists," said Downherr. "Rich American with a European company? Sounds like a scam. Knowing the Islanders, he probably is one."
This coming season is the Islanders' last chance to disappoint their fans in Nassau Coliseum, their home since 1972. They will move into Brooklyn's misshapen and uncomfortable Barclays Center in 2015.
THIS IS SATIRE, doused with gallons of pure sarcasm and set on fire. The quotes are all fake - fakefakefake. Welcome to the Islanders, new guys.
If something does go wrong, it will just be a coincidence. Right?