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“Mystery and Adventure at Unnamed Beach in Cape Cod: An L.A. Jake ‘Guns’ Absuano Story” Part II

Your search for that perfect beach reading page-turner has ended.

Find it in stores: Buy hahd, buy smaht.
Find it in stores: Buy hahd, buy smaht.

What's this? The second and final installment in the series (not really) written by (the pre-gamers version of) Jack Capuano, the Second Most Winning Coach in the History of the NHL Professional Hockey Club New York Islanders.  The first installment was posted last month. Player commentary on Part 1 and Part 2 can be found in the comments at those links.

Chapter 4

Jake and Marty make their way back up the beach towards the cooler. Both grab beers and chug them down. Marty grabs a couple more for the trip.

"OK, Jake. Where to? Looks like the Russian Navy has invaded already. US Navy ain't here yet, it's up to us."

"You got that right, Marty Party. Listen, here's the plan. Call Dougie and Andy, let em know we're coming. Then we'll start walking towards Marconi Beach, kick ass and take names."

The two men made their way towards Marconi beach stopping at a Cumberland Farms to pick up a six pack and some Gatorade so as to stay hydrated on this hot summer day. "It's a real scorcher today, Guns."

"Sure is, and with my anger rising, I'm just getting started. These Russians ain't gonna know what hit ‘em by the time Rizzoli(he flexes his left pec) and Isles (he flexes his right pec) get through with them. We outta beer already?"

"Going down smooth today, hey Jack?"

"You got that right. Heat, beer, and ass kicking the Russians? It's a perfect day in Cape Cod, Marty Party. Come on, I see a tank up on Route 6. Let's tear it apart." Guns and Marty climb up the overpass and onto Route 6. They sneak up behind a tank. Guns climbs it, turns another of those wheel lock things and reaches in and grabs out the driver, throwing him over the overpass and onto the ground below. Guns jumps in, puts on a tank driving helmet and starts driving the tank. Marty takes control of the gun and starts blasting all the other tanks.

"OK, looks like we got ‘em all. Make a left up here. We can go to Duck Creek and grab a beer and some lunch."

"Dougie and Andy are just down the block at The Juice."

"The Juice? Sounds good. Get me a fish taco. High protein, low carbs, perfect. Let's do it."

Guns drives the tank down Main St, makes a left on Bank and pulls up to The Juice. Dougie "Tortoise" Weighter and Andrew McDonald are sitting on the outdoor patio eating high cholesterol food which isn't good for them. But that makes sense since Weighter is an out of shape has-been that was once a hot shot Olympic athlete but hasn't done much since. He's also a little dumb. Andrew McDonald is alright though, though he thinks he's funny like Marty Leasoner, even though he's not even close.

Dougie calls out as he slobbers food all over his wrinkled shirt, "GUNS! We saved a seat for you. Good job stopping those Russians. You probably saved America, Jake."

Guns pulls out the chair, sits down and takes a big sip of his beer. "Just another day in Cape Cod, boys. Just another day. Marty, grab me a fish taco and a cold one."

Chapter 5

Jake and The Boys left The Juice and hopped in the tank. As they were pulling away, an Australian guy named Mitchell Gravner called out in an Australian accent, "AHOY MATEYS!"

Guns pops up from the opening, wearing a helmet, straps hanging down. "What's up, Mitch?"

"He-ard you guys we-re gonna' watch the Sox game from a submareen," Mitch's accent was real strong.

"You got that right. We divied up straws, I got first inning and 8th. 4th inning is still open if you want to join us."

"All right, yea-uh. Just got some shrimps for the Bob Ee, so I'll hop on board. Brought some Fosters beer too, mateys."

"Atta boy, Mitch. Glad to have you."

Guns got back in the drivers seat and drove to the Unnamed Beach where they left the sub. They all get out of the tank, swim to the sub and get to the periscope in time to see the opening pitch.

Chapter 6

"Sox looking good out there, boys. Dougie - we're almost out of beer, make a run, wouldja?"

Dougie checks the periscope and sees the 3rd inning just ended. "Yeah, I'm not back on the periscope til the 7th, I got time. What're we drinking?"

Guns smashes a can against his pecs. "Something light, but strong, Dougie. You know my routine."

Dougie waddles his fat ass up the ladder and then swims like a manatee to shore. He walks to a deli and gets a couple of cases of beers. He gets back to the beach and swims back to the sub and squeezes into the large doorway that's barely big enough for him. "Got the beers, guys," says Dougie as his spit flies all over the sub. Guns picks one up and takes a sip, but it's not cold enough, so he sends Dougie for some ice. Dougie goes and does it cause he's know better than to question Guns. He comes back and they ice the beer and go back to watching the Sox crush the Yankees through the periscope.

Chapter 7

With the Sox holding a 32 run lead into the top of the 9th, Guns steps away from the periscope so that Andrew McDonald can watch the rest of the game. Jake turns on a radio and starts doing his workout routine. "Damn, Jake, that's dedication," Says Dougie Weighter.

"It's called exercise, Dougie. You should try it instead of just riding the coattails of a former backup goalie made general manager of a high school basketball team."

"Ouch," says Marty Leasoner.

"You know me, boys. Straight shooter....aaaaand 1000. OK, sit ups done. On to the pushups, then once the game ends, back to the partying, boys."

Andrew McDonald is watching the game when his buzzer goes off. "Uh oh, Guns. Trouble. I'm getting a message...murderer lose on Marconi....cops have no leads."

Guns increases his pushup speed, "Let me finish this set, then we'll go check it out.....and, 1,000." Guns jumps up, grabs a beer and a towel, "OK, let's go boys. Heads up for clues. Game over yet, Andy?"

"One out to go, aaaannnnnddddd A Rod wiffs. Strike 3. Game over."

"Cheaters never win, boys. Let's head out. Dougie, beer me. Sox are going all the way this year, boys. Sox and Bruins. Probably the Pats and Celtics too."

The entourage of four leave the sub and swim to shore, ready to solve the mystery.

Chapter 9

The entourage of four show up to the crime scene. Guns walks through the yellow tape and over to Detective Don Harris. "Donny," says Guns, "What we got?"

"We got a murdered broad, maybe a hooker. Third one this week."

"Sounds like a cereal killer."

"Sure does, Guns."

"Marty, you know this chick?"

"Sure don't, Guns."

"Then she ain't a local. Marty knows all the local hookers. Ain't that right, Marty Party?"

"If it's for sale, I'm buying. You know me."

"This guy's killin me....guy's the best. OK boys, no time for fun and games. Let's look around, get some clues. Donny, give me some gloves and those big tweezers you guys use to pick up clues. I see something." Donny gives Guns the items. Guns picks up a hair. "Yup, I know this hair. It's from a moustache, boys. Our killer is a male. Probably about 6' 2", 215 lbs, which is a bit heavy if you ask me. Got a foot print over here....yup, career minor leaguer, mid westerner, inherited a great team and completed the layup to win a Cup. I think we know our killer, boys."

Officer Mark Coulson walks over, "Wow, you are quick, man. We've been trying to catch this guy for months."

Andrew McDonald says, "You should always call Guns first thing. He gets it cleaned up quick."

Chapter 10

Guns and The Boys walk along Marconi Beach, following the footsteps of the murderer, Dougie out of breath and lagging behind. "Boys, when he find him, just follow my lead. Shouldn't be a big deal, but I'm not sure if he has back up."

They climb up a dune and enter a cave. Jack grabs a stick from the ground and wraps his shirt around it, leaving his bulging chest and abs open to the elements. He picks up a twig, scrapes it on the stone wall and lights the torch he made with the stick and shirt. He leads The Boys through the cave. It twists and turns, but eventually they arrive at the lair of the killer.

Sitting at a desk, cutting out pieces of newspapers is Guns's arch enemy. A weasely little guy in glasses that's always smiling and trying to make people laugh. He's gluing pictures of Guns to a bulletin board, then drawing X in a red marker on all of them.

"I knew I'd find you behind this, Stan Vilesma."

Vilesma jumps up and yells out incoherences at Jake and The Boys. "YOU WON'T STOP ME THIS TIME, ABSUANO!" He pushes a little button on his desk and the floor under Jake and The Boys opens up. Guns jumps up and grabs a vine, Andrew McDonald leaps left and grabs the ledge, surviving. Marty does a back flip, turns it into a dance move that makes Guns laugh. Dougie is too fat and out of shape so he falls into the hole and is pierced by sticks fashioned into spears and he dies since there is no backup goalie turned GM there to save him this time. His fat splatters everywhere.

Guns swings on the vine and leaps from it, he lands right in front of Vilesma and grabs him by the collar. Vilesma begins to cry like a shameful little twerpy failure. "No press core here to charm, Vilesma? You're weak and scrawny and now we all see it, ain't that right, Marty?"

"Getting the whole thing on my iPhone, Jake."

"Atta Boy, Marty. Now, Stan, let me introduce you to Kool [he punches Vilesma with his left] and the Gang,", he punches Vilesma 7 times - one for each member of The Gang. Vilesma falls in a heap. "Dougie, beer me," says Jake, but no beer comes flying over. "Oh, I forgot Dougie was dead. OK boys, call Don Harris and have him come clean up this mess. I'm going back to the beach before the sun sets. You're done for now, Vilesma. No one will hire you after seeing this."

Chapter 11

Back at the Beach Jake, Marty and Andrew McDonald sit in the sun when some hot chicks walk over. "Oh my God, are you Guns Absuano," says one hot chick.

Guns lifts his head slightly, pulls his shades down just a bit and nods to his boys, "Yeah. This here is Andrew McDonald, and this is my boy, Marty Leasoner the "Party Seasoner.""

"Oh my God," says another hot chick, "You guys are so hot. Mind if we party with you guys?"

"Whadda say, Marty? Take what you can get or wait til something better comes along?"

"Well, it's been a long day and I'm done waiting, Jake. Let's get this Party Started."

"Oh man, you're killin me. Guys the best."

The End........for now.