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“Mystery and Adventure at Unnamed Beach in Cape Cod: An L.A. Jake ‘Guns’ Absuano Story” Part I

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The first installment in the series (not really) written by (the pre-gamers version of) Jack Capuano, the Second Most Winning Coach in the History of the NHL Professional Hockey Club New York Islanders.

Lighthouse Hockey has gained an editor's copy of the much-rumored forthcoming book by the Islanders' salty coach. Regular readers of LHH (and its twisted comments section) may be familiar with these themes, as represented in this transcript of players discussing the book in the locker room early last season.

Chapter 1

It was a bright and sandy day at Unnamed Beach in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. The beach was named the Unnamed Beach because the locals didn't want the tourists showing up and messing it all up. For "L.A." Jake "Guns" Absuano, it was only the first stop in what he planned on being a party filled and crazy day. He laid on the beach, top off, and let the sun pour tanning rays down on him and his ripped abs and guns.

"Hey, Guns. Let me get a cold one," said Marty Leasoner, one of Jake's closest friends and a partner in crime.

"Get it yourself, Marty Party. I ain't moving, I got the perfect angle to the sun going. Don't want to blow it."

"I hear that, Guns," said Marty as he reached into the cooler and grabbed an ice cold can of brew. "WHOA, this is freezing. You been freezing this since over night?"

"You know I did. You know Guns Absuano don't play games on beach days, Party. Hit me with one of them."

Marty tossed the can too high and too hard, but Guns was able to flip his wrist at the perfect moment to make the can spin up in the air and then land perfectly in his drinking hand. He popped the tab with his teeth and took a deep drink.

"Nice catch, Guns. Man, what a day. We gonna get some honeys or what? Feel like I been here all morning already."

"Patience, Marty Party. I need another 22 minutes here, then we grab some lunch, then we head over to Marconi and get this party started."

Just as Guns finished a second deep sip, an explosion rippled through Unnamed Beach. People began to run and panic, but Guns kept his cool. He finished his beer, looked to the source of the explosion and that's when he saw the ninjas coming over the ridge.

"Ninjas," said Marty, "I knew it."

"Nah, it ain't the ninjas that caused that explosion, ninjas work silent. That explosion was meant to kill the ninjas, but being as how the ninjas got through uncontested - I mean, no one was able to stop them even though they were literally right in front of the guys setting the explosion, and all those guys had to do was reach down and stop the the puck, I mean the ninjas, from slipping through - clearly we're dealing with the Russians."

"Russians?"

"Yeah, they can't stop nothing."

"I guess that's why they call it Si-Beer-ia , right? Cause they're drunk all the time, can't grab nothing?"

Guns laughed deep at this friends joke. "You're killin me, Marty. Come on, let's go show these Russians how to stop things."

Chapter 2

Guns and Marty climb to the edge of the ridge and peer through binoculars out at the sea. They see a submarine with a big red star emblazoned on the side. A guy with a big furry Russian hat is peering back at them through his own binoculars. Guns stands up, points to the sub and calls out, "Bring it!"

"OK, Marty, it's gonna get loud. Let's use the noise as cover to sneak around the ridge and get to a place where we can jump up on the sub and take these guys out hand to hand."

"Good plan, Jake. Let give these guys a taste of some New England Glasnost."

"Not now, Marty, you're killin me. Save the jokes for later. Oh man...ok, ready, on three, we flank the sub."

As the beach erupts in explosions, Guns and Marty make an end run like in football, around the beach using smoke and sand as cover. They jump into the ocean and swim to the sub underwater, undetected. When they reach the sub they climb up that ladder thing subs have on the sides. The Russian guy with the hat ducks back down in the sub and closes the door. That door locking wheel spins. Guns reaches the top just as he feels the sub begin to dive.

"Marty, they're gonna dive. If I can't get this open before it goes under, you swim to shore and call the Navy. I'm not letting them get away."

Guns grabs hold of the wheel lock thing and turns it as hard as he can, his abs and biceps fully flexed as the sun reflects off the combination of salt water and sweat he's accumulated. Marty watches the sea rise to them, but Guns gets the door open just in time and both jump in just as the sub goes under.

Chapter 3

"That was a close one, Jake."

"Yeah, but we got it done. That's what's important. Now, lets get down into the bowels of this sub and kick some commie ass. We're gonna need to get to the bridge. I got dibs on the periscope once we're done."

"Damn, I was hoping to get to it first. Can't wait to look through one of them. I bet we can watch the Sox game through it. How cool will that be?"

"Good thinking, Marty. Listen, whoever kicks more asses gets to go first. Deal?"

"You're on."

Guns and Marty make their way through the sub and using a combination of kung fu, karate and street smarts overcome the sub filled with Russian seamen. They fight their way to the bridge and take out the last of the Russians. Only the Captain remains.

"Well, if it ain't the leader of this joint. I'd introduce myself, but I'm gonna assume you know who I am."

"L.A. Jake ‘Guns' Absuano. I should spit on you."

"You don't want to do that, elsewise I'll have to introduce you to Kibbles (he flexes his left bicep) and Bits (he flexes his right bicep) , and you don't want to meet them."

"I don't fear them, Guns. I have faced worse enemies."

Marty chuckles, "Oh man, you done it now."

Guns grabs the Captain by the furry hat and smashes him first with his left fist, "Here's kibbles," and then with the right, "and bits," another right, "and bits," another right, "and bits." The captain falls in a heap.

The captain puts his hands up to signify he's had enough. "Enough...you have made your point...and now I will make mine. You fell into the oldest trap in the book. We just needed to get you off the beach, Guns Absuano, so that the Russian Navy could storm Unnamed Beach."

Marty looks worried, "Oh man, it was a diversion."

Jake says, "A what?"

Marty responds, "A diversion."

"You lost me."

"They wanted to get us off the beach. So they sent the sub knowing you'd attack it."

"Of course I was gonna attack it. I'm not about to let the Russians take over Cape Cod, Marty."

"Right....they knew that. So that's why the sent the sub. So you'd attack it."

"So they did a suicide mission?"

"Well...yeah, kinda, I guess."

"Why'd they want me off the beach? They gonna move in on all the chicks while I'm down here? Friggin Russians, every time, I swear - "

"No, they're going to land their Navy on the beach. And then attack."

"That's nuts. We gotta stop that. What time you got?"

"12:22."

"OK, Sox start at One. We'll be back to use this periscope, Comrade. Don't move. Marty, let's go."