The NHL Draft is this Friday, and the latest report from Newsday is that Islanders general manager Garth Snow is ready to wheel and deal to shake up his club.
Which players the Islanders might be willing to move in order to bring in new assets depends on who you talk to. But signs point to defenseman Matt Donovan and forward Josh Bailey as the most likely candidates for a trade. Donovan may be squeezed out by the Islanders' surplus of upcoming defensive prospects, and Bailey's career progression has often been frustrating since he was taken in the first round of the 2008 draft.
But what are these two players worth? And what if they were packaged with the fifth overall draft pick for an even bigger haul?
Oh, I'm not talking about hockey. I'm talking about their more tangible worth.
JOSH BAILEY - No. 12 - RW - New York Islanders
Weight: 194 lbs
MATT DONOVAN - No. 46 - D - New York Islanders
Weight: 195 lbs
Together, they are 12 feet, one inches long. So what's comparable to that?
- This oarfish, caught off the coast of Sweden in 2010.
- The Kentucky High School Athletic Association record for pole vaulting.
- This aluminum boat.
Of those three, the aluminum Jon boat is obviously the most practical, and is crafted for multiple uses including duck hunting, fishing or commercial transportation. Plus, it's lightweight and durable. The Islanders have no use that this time for a dead mutant lampriform or a high school track and field record from the mid-south that will probably be broken again next year.
But trading Bailey, Donovan and the fifth overall pick for an aluminum boat isn't maximizing the Islanders' assets. Surely they can get more.
Bailey and Donovan weigh a combined 389 pounds (the pick weighs nothing). What else can you get that pulls that much?
- 389 pounds of mortadella lunch meat.
- World Wrestling League World Heavyweight Champion Monster Pain, a.k.a. Black Pain, a.k.a. Big Papi Sanchez, a.k.a. Sweet Papi Sanchez, a.k.a. Jose Torres.
- Honey, a bear at the Wildlife Research Institute in Ely, Minnesota.
Many in the Italian community have mortadella, or pistachio-laced bologna, ranked high on their list of lunch meat. But it's more of a complimentary cold cut, and works best as a filler in a sandwich with more flavorful meats like salami and cappacola.
The Islanders have no room for a full sized adult bear at either Nassau Coliseum or Barclays Center, and neither arena is a suitable habitat for a wild animal. Also, having between 7 and 10,000 people around a few nights a week might scare her. So Honey is out.
That leaves Monster Pain, the current WWL champion. It's unknown if Monster Pain can skate or has any definable hockey skills. But he is an accomplished professional athlete and, if he's willing to learn the game, could give the Islanders the physical, intimidating edge they've been looking for.
Still, with that fifth overall draft pick included in the package, trading Bailey and Donovan for an aluminum boat and a professional wrestler just isn't enough. How do we account for the value of that draft pick in the real non-hockey world?
A study by Dr. DP'sknee(andhipandflubugandotherknee) from our crack Lighthouse Hockey Research Department determined that a player selected between 4th and 8th in the NHL draft has a 24% chance of becoming an NHL All Star. That's a pretty high conversion rate. What else has that high of a probability of happening?
Answer: your chance of a encountering sewage while swimming in the Hudson River.
The solution is as obvious as it is synergistic. The best possible deal for the Islanders would be to trade Josh Bailey, Matt Donovan and the fifth overall pick in the 2014 NHL Draft for an aluminum boat, a professional wrestler and a purified stretch of water in the Hudson River for the player's personal use. A boat, a river and a wrestler. It makes perfect sense.
If Garth Snow can't pull off that deal, then this entire off-season will be deemed an abject and irredeemable failure.