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Sports Illustrated Announces Collector's Edition NHL Fan Misery Rankings Swimsuit Issue

Legendary teams. Staggering losses. Now with boobs.

NEW YORK - Sports Illustrated will publish a special Collector's Edition Swimsuit Issue of its critically acclaimed NHL Fan Misery Rankings, commemorating the venerable magazine's groundbreaking expose of incompetence, instability and bad luck by adding spectacular photographs of girls in bikinis.

The limited edition leather-bound book will contain over 300 glossy pages detailing the fall and further fall of some of the NHL's least successful franchises, all accompanied by pictures of gorgeous models wearing as little as possible. SI Swimsuit Issue favorite Kate Upton will once again be featured on the cover, wearing only a thong festooned with the logos of the eternal losers recapped in Sports Illustrated's NHL Fan Misery series.

Fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs, New York Islanders, Buffalo Sabres, Edmonton Oilers, Florida Panthers, Vancouver Canucks, Dallas Stars, Columbus Blue Jackets, Winnipeg Jets and softcore cheesecake photos will not want to miss this very special one-of-a-kind collector's item.

Highlights of the Collector's Edition NHL Fan Misery Rankings Swimsuit Issue include:

  • The original team-by-team listing of the 10 hardest to support teams in the NHL published from January 17th to March 31st, 2014, freshly updated with pictures of models covering their nipples with small bits of fabric, various loose objects or other body parts.
  • Twenty-five of the world's most beautiful models, including Upton, Chrissy Teigen, Nina Agdal, Genevieve Morton and Brooklyn Decker, wearing some of the world's most extraordinary swimwear alongside breezy articles about bad hockey teams.
  • Ornate timelines illustrating how each franchise has let its fans down year after year body painted onto nude models.
  • The All-Time NHL Misery Team, as selected by scribe Larry Brooks and presented by SI Swimsuit Legends Cheryl Tiegs, Christie Brinkley and Kathy Ireland.
  • Adrian Dater's analysis of what may be the most miserable NHL team of all time, the 1974-75 Washington Capitals, told only through swimsuit pictures of Maryland native and supermodel Hilary Rhoda.
  • A personal profile of ageless beauty icon Carol Alt and her longtime partner, former New York Islanders misery magnet Alexei Yashin.
  • A panoramic high-definition centerfold of models Upton, Teigen and Morton barely covered by jerseys thrown on the ice by angry Edmonton Oilers fans.
  • Probably something by Steve Rushin (TBD).

In its 60-year history, Sports Illustrated has published 37 commemorative editions, 50 Swimsuit Issues and 22 total stories about the NHL. The Collector's Edition NHL Fan Misery Rankings Swimsuit Issue marks the first time that Sports Illustrated has published a commemorative issue saluting the magazine's three most acclaimed hallmarks - gratuitous swimsuit issues, arbitrary rankings of teams and special commemorative issues.

As with all Sports Illustrated commemorative issues, the Collector's Edition NHL Fan Misery Rankings Swimsuit Issue will be separate from the regular weekly edition of the magazine, which will probably be about either Brett Favre, golf or Brett Favre playing golf.

And as a special offer, fans* pre-ordering the Collector's Edition NHL Fan Misery Rankings Swimsuit Issue will receive a complimentary sneaker-shaped phone absolutely free (just pay shipping and handing). This state-of-the-art touch tone phone is ready to use right out of the box. Simply plug into your nearest wall jack and wait for your friends to call and tell you all the latest sports news they read in Sports Illustrated.

* - offer not valid for dentists offices, bus stations, auto body shops, libraries or anywhere else Sports Illustrated is prominently displayed.

This is fake. You'll have to get get your boobies someplace else.