Editor's note: The Cappy "pre-gamers" with a bizarre cast of characters from the mind of Les Beaver has become a Lighthouse Hockey tradition (usually seen in comments of the game preview). Today Les and some others turn that tradition up to eleven.
Author's note: rosey7 and keilj07 are a couple of excellent dudes that took some time to add voices and effects to this. I believe rosey does the majority of the voices while keilj07 does some magical audio engineering work. I can't thank them enough- I've listened to it probably 20 times and I laugh every time. Enjoy! - Les
Click below and give it a second or two, it's a large file:
Isles Pregamer mp3 vs Sabres 122714
Gionta: So wait, they actually believed that that cardboard box you got there was a time machine?
Moulson: Well, I mean, in their defense, its silver so it kinda looks high tech.
Gionta: Right, I see that. But they actually think you can travel through time. In that box?
Moulson: Well, yeah. Most of them. I think Nabby knew the truth, probably Dougie, but they just went along with it.
Gionta: That’s amazing.
Bourne: Though honestly, there were times me and Mouls got so baked it did feel like we were traveling through time.
Moulson: Totally, bro. And technically, Butchie had the know-how to get it to travel through time, but it’s hard to find parts.
Nolan: OK boys, big game tonight. New York Islanders. My former employers. Matty’s too. Now, I harbor no ill will towards them, but I want to see them eviscerated and destroyed. Torn apart like that useless goddamn bear Myers has.
Tyler Myers: DON’T PICK ON TEDDY!
Nolan: Sorry, you know that bear brings out the worst in me, boys. Now, let’s get out there and play smart, hard hockey. Let’s -
Cappy (pokes his head in the door) Hey, how’s it going? Sorry to interrupt your pre-gamer, but I was just walking by. Hear you sayin "smaht and hahd." That’s what I’m always sayin’.
Nolan: No other way to play the game.
Cappy: Totally. In their net, outta ours.
Nolan: Doesn’t make sense any other way.
Cappy: Balanced diet, plenty of sleep.
Nolan: Party like you mean it.
Cappy: Jack Capuano, most people call me Guns.
Nolan: Teddy Nolan, they call me Snakebite.
Cappy: Nice. Good to meet you. Gonna be a tough game with two teams going at it smaht and hahd.
Nolan: That’s what I’m hoping for. I don’t care if we get a W or not. Just no overtime. It’s a party night.
Cappy: I hear that. You into La Cappella?
Nolan: I was All Province in Kenora in ‘75.
Moulson: Hey, I know that dude!
Cappy: Hey, Mark Coulson. How you doin? What are you doing here?
Moulson: Oh man, I got traded. And then like, somehow I ended up in Minnesota or something. And then I was like back here. It was sweet.
Cappy: Minny? You cleanse yourself in Lake Minnetonka?
Cappy: Still got the time machine?
Cappy: Been anywhere good?
Bourne: Oh man, we watched the French Revolution last week.
Cappy: Never heard of it. Don’t matter. I’d love to go back ’84, see them make Purple Rain. I’d bring Hickey to get some tips. Let me know how the Celtics do next game.
Moulson: You got it.
Cappy: Oh, those little trips you used to take and then send Vanek texts about who was going to win the next night? You must have messed with the space time continual thingy Butchie always went on about. Those tips were never right. Vanek got into some deep water.
Moulson: Ooops, my bad, bro. But seriously, fuck that guy.
Gionta: This is amazing.
(JT walks by)
Cappy: Hey – John – look who I found.
JT: Oh…man….(can’t keep it together, hugs Moulson) I miss you, man. I miss you.
Clutterbuck: PREGAMER IN HERE TODAY? COOL. LET’S DO THIS!
Frans: WHERE IS MY LOCKER?
Zemgus Girgensons - FRANS NIELSEN!
Frans: YOU! ZEMGUS SON OF GIRGEN! EONS I HAVE WAITED EONS FOR YOU TO SHOW YOURSELF!
GIRGENSON: DO YOU ACCUSE ME OF HIDING FROM THEE FRANS SON OF FRITZ?
Frans: I ACCUSE YOU OF BEING A SECOND RATE DEITY! ONE WHO DID NOT WITNESS THE BIRTH OF MY CREATION!
Nolan: OK Boys, we don’t need Ragnarock here. Let’s get back to our rooms.
Cappy: Hey, you should party with me and The Boys up in the Cape this summer. We rented the penthouse.
Nolan: Yeah, maybe. Me, Trotts and Ennis got a place up in Garden River for the summer, but maybe we’ll come down for a weekend.
Cappy: Garden River? Offa 17?
Nolan: Yeah, you know it?
Cappy: Yeah, me and Mahty pahtied hahd up there.
Nolan: Marty Reasoner?
Cappy: You know it.
Nolan: Guy can party, I’ll give him that. Maybe not as hard as Trotts though.
Cappy: Let’s get together and do this.
Nolan: Suns out, Guns out. That’s what I say.
Cappy: ABS-olutely (Rips shirt).
Nolan: OOOOHHHHHH NICE!
Cappy: Your team any good?
Nolan: Not really. You?
Cappy: Meh. We used to suck. Then we got some good guys. Now we do ok, I think.
Nolan: I think that’s the plan here. Looks like they’re going for a lottery pick. Whatever.
Cappy: Just hope it ain’t the first. Last thing you need is a first overall. They never shut up. Think they run the team.
JT: Come on…no. I will not let it get to me. I will not let it get to me.
Nolan: That guy? He looks like he got a bit of a sweet tooth?
JT: Son of a – I WILL FU-
Frans: YES JOHN TAVARES LET THE RAGE TAKE YOU!
GIRGENSON: FINALLY SOMEONE WITH SPIRIT!
Cappy: OK John, enough. Don’t let go, Boulton. See what I’m sayin’, Ted? Outta control these first overalls.
Nolan: I’m not worried. I don’t expect to be here long. Figure once they get good, I’m out.
Cappy: That’s what I always figured too. But hey, sometimes shit happens. Anyway, good luck, maybe you’ll end up fifth from last. Not bad, but not first. Best place to be. Still in the lottery and all.
Moulson: That’s what I love about these lottery teams. I keep getting older, they stay the same age.
Nolan: Good meeting you. Good luck tonight. Hoping for a good game, just no overtime.
Cappy: Totally. Honestly, I don’t care if it’s a good game. I don’t pay much attention. How are the broads up here?
Nolan: Good. Section 122 is the best. Mid range prices, lotsa guys on dates with some hot broads. That’s where I usually focus.
Cappy: Good to know. OK Boys, let’s go and prep.
Clutterbuck: WE GETTING ANOTHER PREGAMER? YES!
Nolan: Later, boys. Hey – Moulson – you stay here…or go with them, whatever.
Moulson: Oh man…I am so confused. (laughs)