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Magnanimous and benevolent god Frans Nielsen named NHL's third star of week, allowing others to enjoy a modicum of glory

Kneel before Frans. (and Carter and Scrivens, too)

That's right. Drop to your knees and beg forgiveness.
That's right. Drop to your knees and beg forgiveness.
Anthony Gruppuso-USA TODAY Sports

After watching sniveling mortals stumble around hopelessly like fish out of water for almost 50 minutes on Saturday night, Danish God of Thunder and Backhands Frans Nielsen decided it was time to take matters into his own hands and remind the world what true power looks like.

Nielsen scored three goals in the third period, including one with a single tenth of a second remaining in the game, to complete his first career hat trick and lead the Islanders past the Dallas Stars 7-5. For his efforts, and in tribute to his golden presence among mere humans, Nielsen was named the Third Star of the Week by the National Hockey League today.

It is believed Nielsen actually stopped the planet from spinning for a fraction of a second just so that he could score his final goal and show off for the rest of us underpowered underlings.

The glorious son of Herning and possible offspring of a secret love pact between a human woman and Zeus' second cousin Steve, Nielsen also had a goal in the Islanders' win over the Boston Bruins on Thursday and an assist against the Toronto Maple Leafs in a loss on Tuesday.

Nielsen has four goals and four assists in eight games this season. He's obviously reining in his full, awesome array of superpowers because the people of Earth simply aren't prepared for the destruction that would follow.

Los Angeles center Jeff Carter and Edmonton goalie Ben Scrivens had nice weeks, too.

Sincerest congratulations to Frans, and thank you once again for bestowing your grace and magnificence upon us. We also thank you for forgoing human sacrifices in lieu of wearing Danish Backhand of Judgment shirts as a way to show our appreciation and ask for your protection and forgiveness. Praise be to Frans.