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Islanders vs. Hurricanes: Jack Capuano Pregame Speech, Discussion

This needed to be front-paged.

Mahty, I'm talkin' to Mahty.
Mahty, I'm talkin' to Mahty.
Brace Hemmelgarn-USA TODAY Sport

Ed. Note: If you are new to Lighthouse Hockey, or don't often wade into the comment jungle, you may be unaware that reader Les Beaver frequently blesses us with scripts from Jack Capuano's pre-game speeches in the Islanders locker room.

There are some inside jokes due to long-running LHH memes or (more often) previous pre-gamers. But you can get the hang of it quickly. They are difficult to describe -- and impossible to do justice.

So we're posting the first one of the season, which Beaver left in the preview thread for tonight's game, below, under Beaver's byline. Want more? Visit the threads on game days.

Capuano Kicks Off 2014-15

Cappy: OK boys, I hope you all had a good summah. I know I did. Me and Mahty and Mahty and Zeeker did some shit that ain’t even legal in Thailand up in the Cape this summah, right boys? Hickey – I hope you burned them tapes like Mahty advised. Man oh man. All right, let’s get to the heart of the matter. Today’s word: "Heart."

Cappy: Tonight, we go out there against…the uh…the other team we’re playing, it don’t matter who it is, don’t even tell me, I don’t care. Not in my heart of hearts do I care, because I know this: We’re gonna win.
JT: Just to be clear…you’re talking about hockey, right? No a cappella or some weird Coaching Competition. Hockey, right?
Cappy: Amongst other things, Johnny, yes. All of it, really. Let’s face it, when you’re the defending La Cappella Champs, people are gonna be gunnin for you. And you know what I always say: if you’re gonna come at the King, you best not miss.
Chad Johnson: Oh, like Omar. Omar said that. Nice.

Cappy: Don’t interrupt me, Kevin. Let’s get back to "Heart" – For it is our hearts that give us wings!
Clutterbuck: That makes no sense.
Cmac: I mean, even logistically, it makes no sense.
Clutterbuck: Are you arguing with me, you shit eating weasel?
Cmac: Uh…no, I was actually agreeing with you.
Clutterbuck: I DON’T NEED YOUR SHIT. I’m here for the goddamn pre-gamer. SHUT YOUR MOUTH! PAY ATTENTION!
Halak: I am confused.
Viz: Yes. And it will never make sense. Just go with it. Pray for trade; escape never happen. He is a surprisingly good tracker. Or get doctor to say you have concussion. I have guy for you.

Cappy: You guys done? Now, ahem – Hickey – edit that out. OK, where was I…ok, For it is our hearts that give us wings!
deHaan: Are the wings growing out of our hearts? Wouldn’t it make more sense if they were on our backs?
KO: You’d definitely have better control over direction if they were on your back.
Carkner: Perhaps in homage to Mercury, the messenger of the gods.
deHaan: I’m just saying, the heart is a delicate organ. It’s got a rhythm. If we start flapping wings attached to the heart, that’s gonna wreak havoc with the beating.
JT: Perhaps they’d be ancillary.

Blank stares.

JT: I read some medical books after my injury. Trying to find ways to heal faster.
Dougie: Like Steve Austin…..the Six Million Dollar Man…
Kulieman: Only "Six Million Dollar" man? I take four, please. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I got to tell my agent that one…he laugh much, I bet.
Cappy: We only got one six million dollar man, right Johnny?
JT: Uhhh..I don’t think we have any…?
Cappy: You ain’t makin’ six million?
JT: No…not quite.
Cappy: You gotta get a bettah agent. I use Mahty Reasonah’s Player and Coaches Agency Services. I pay him $100 a week plus I pay for all food, drinks and any "ladies of the evenings" he finds worthy. Guy’s the best. I’ll give you his cahd.
JT: No thanks.

Cappy: Now – back to heart, boys…wasn’t that a TV show back in the day? "Back to Heart"? Dougie?
Dougie: Not that I recall. I wasn’t a big TV guy though.
Cappy: Nabby – what was that show? ……. Where’s Nabby?
Dougie: Tampa, I think.
Cappy: Then who’s this guy next to Poulin?
Dougie: That’s Jaro Halak. And that’s Chad Johnson. Poulin is in Bridgeport.
Cappy: Bruins got a guy named Chad Johnson. I hope you’re as good as him.
Chad Johnson: I … That’s me?
Cappy: Oh…this like a Moulson and the time machine thing? Right? Multiple timelines and people. Dimensions. All that, uh, quantico mechanics stuff.
Butchie: Not quite, Jack. See this Chad Johnson is the same as the Chad Johnson that played for the Bruins last year. No entanglement here, just the same guy. He was a free agent.
Cappy: Nah, you lost me. Whatevah. I don’t care if you’re a clone or a twin or some inter-dimensional being; just keep that goddamn puck out of the goddamn net. Our net – that is. If you can get into the other team’s net, that’d be great too.
Chad Johnson: What’s going on?
de:Haan Just go with it.

Cappy: Hey, Mahty – now that you’re running the Isle’s twittle, put a shot of my abs up there. Then type "pound sign GUNS" or something awesome like that. "pound sign 8 PACK". Go with that. That’s what they were callin’ me up in the Cape this summah, "8 pack". One: cause of these babies RIPS SHIRT. Two: I discovered in June that a sixer wasn’t cuttin’ it. So I’d grab a sixer and then 2 tall boys to get going. We rocked the shit outta the Cape this summah, boys. Ain’t that right Zeeker?
Cizikas: Oh yeah. Totally. It was awesome.
Cappy: Matty was on point for a while but then his broad kept texting him to behave and shit. What a let down, Mahty. But – at the same time, that sick flow does bring the girls to the park.
Matt Martin: "Yard" it brings the girls "to the yard."
Cappy: Whatevah. Song of the Summah right there, "Milkshake". Loved it.
Strome: That song came out when I was in third grade?
Cappy: I’ll tell you this, no 3rd grader should be listening to "Milkshake". Ain’t that right, Mahty?
Matt Martin: When you say "Mahty" do you mean me? Or Marty?
Cappy: If I say "Mahty" I mean you. If I say "Mahty" obviously I’m talkin to Mahty. There’s an "ah" in there. You ain’t got no "ah" in your first name. How many times I got to explain that?

JT: OK boys, Hurricanes tonight. Good news – they got some serious injury issues going on.
JT: That’s fine too. Call it what you want, Stall and Skinner are out. We need to exploit that.
Strome: Like with dirty pictures?
JT: No…huh? What?
Strome: Like exploitation. You want, like, Hickey to take dirty videos of them? And then we exploit them.
JT: Wha…no. Like they’re in a bad spot so we should take advantage of it.
Strome: Like blackmail?
JT: No. Like on the ice. What’s wrong with you?
Cappy: He’s talking hockey, I think, Stromer. Now I like where you’re head is at, battle level – "high" – but black mail – that’s how you get people saying you’re racist. We don’t want that.

Leddy: This can’t be real.
Boychuck: I’m rather enjoying it. Claude Julien hated Capuano. Was crazy jealous of him. Julien was always yelling at us, threatening us. This is nice.
Leddy: Quenneville was cool, I guess. We got chewed out now and then, but we usually deserved it.
Cappy: You talking about Joel Quenneville?
Leddy: Yes. He was my coach before here.
Cappy: Little known fact, he’s a big My Little Pony fan. He’s a Brony, boys. Nothing to be ashamed of, we all got something in our closet, ain’t that right? And that damn sloth there, he drags it out of me. Or should I say, he drags me in to it. In the blackness, boys. The darkness. The most foul, vile recesses of my heart – that sloth makes me face them. I hate him for it. But it makes me a better man in the long run. Quenville’s nickname is Rainbow Dash.
Leddy: Really?
Cappy: Yup. Yeo – over in Colorado or whatevah – he’s Pinky Pie. He’s a Brony too. Good guys. They just like dolls. No big deal. Now, where were we? Johnny?

JT: I … I don’t really care. Just give me the puck. I’ll take care of it. Conacher – don’t blow this.
Cappy: OK, great. Good plan, Johnny. Let’s do this and play Smaht and Hahd and with HEART!
deHaan: Winged or non-winged hearts?
Cappy: Whatevah gets us a win, boys. Heh. "Win" and "Wing" that’s almost like a play on words, right Dougie?
Dougie: Not really. They just sorta sound alike.
Cappy: OK, fair enough. Let’s do this.