[Updated] Handy Breakdown of NHL Preseason Disciplinary Actions

Can't keep track of all the suspensions in the NHL over the last few weeks? We've got you covered.

By Dan Saraceni@cultureoflosing Sep 25, 2013, 1:15pm EDT

The 2013 NHL Preseason has been more than a series of exhibition games. Instead of the typical warm-ups for established players and auditions for fringe players, this year has seen a sizable increase in fights, injuries and other questionable actions leading to a litany of suspensions.

In other words, Brendan Shanahan and the Department of Player Safety have been up and running way earlier than they probably expected to be.

With so many players suspended so quickly for so many different reasons, fans could have missed some of the latest news. In case you need to catch up, here's a list of who go busted for what.

Phil Kessel

#81 / Right Wing / Toronto Maple Leafs

Suspended for: Remainder of the preseason (3 games)

Offense: First-year Jedi Padawan stick whacks to the legs of Buffalo's John Scott. Obi-Wan Kessel was also seen hacking and slashing a Flyer in a previous preseason game.

David Clarkson

#71 / Right Wing / Toronto Maple Leafs

Suspended for: First 10 games of the regular season (but still eligible to play in the preseason).

Offense: Jumping off the bench to stop Buffalo's John Scott from eating Phil Kessel.

Ron Rolston

Coach / Buffalo Sabres

Not suspended, but fined an undisclosed amount for "player selection," which is totally a real thing now you guys so, like, watch out.

Offense: "Selecting" John Scott to eat Toronto's Phil Kessel.

John Scott

#32 / Left Wing / Buffalo Sabres

Suspen...um, you know what? It's cool, Big Guy. Yup, yup, don't worry about it... The Nuremburg defense works just fine for you, so just...uh...have a good one. And sorry about that whole "eating Phil Kessel" thing. Okay... bye-bye. *phew...*

UPDATE!

Paul Bissonnette

#12 / Left Wing / Phoenix Coyotes

Suspended for: 10 regular season games, plus a four week stint in"Twitter Jail." Update: Bissonnette's suspension was reduced to three games mainly because of a lack of of video evidence. A likely story.

Offense: Came off the bench to fight Los Angeles forward Jordan Nolan for having the gall to lay a big, legal hit on Bissonnette's teammate Rostislav Klesla. Yes, seriously.

Dale Weise

#32 / Right Wing / Vancouver Canucks

Suspended for: Remainder of the preseason (3 games)

Offense: Laid a sneaky and frankly bullshit shoulder hit to the already battered head of Edmonton's Taylor Hall.

Zack Kassian

#9 / Right Wing / Vancouver Canucks

Suspended for: A total of 8 games (remaining three preseason games, plus five regular season games).

Offense: After missing a hit and crashing into the boards, Kassian r~~ecklessly~~, ~~stupidly,~~ wildly swung his stick and smacked Edmonton's Sam Gagner in the face, breaking Gagner's jaw. But remember kids, Kassian is a professional. Don't try that at home.

Sam Gagner's Jaw

#89 / Center / Edmonton Oilers

Suspended by: wires, following surgery on Tuesday.

Offense: Damn right it's offensive. Just look at that mess. Christ almighty.

Adam Erne

#46/ Punk Rookie / Tampa Bay Lightning

Suspended for: Remainder of preseason (3 games).

Offense: A hit to the head of St. Louis' Vladimir Sobotka, which has already been forgotten by everybody, with the exception of Vladimir Sobotka.

Teemu Pulkkinen

#56 / Left Wing / Detroit Red Wings

Suspended for: Four preseason games.

Offense: Technically, it was blindsiding and boarding Chicago defenseman Mike Kostka. But, unofficially, the NHL found out he has been impersonating Teemu Selanne at various restaurants and night clubs around Detroit. In Finland, falsely identifying yourself as Teemu Selanne is punishable by hanging so, in all honesty, Pukkinen got off very, very easy.

Who's Next?

There are still five more days of preseason games. Any player could be suspended for anything. Slew foot? Line brawl? Beheading? Drowning in a zamboni? Stay tuned.