clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Zeitgeist: Astronomers Discover Galaxy with NHL Run Entirely by Mike Milbury

In a recently found galaxy cluster, scientists believe a National Hockey League is being controlled entirely by former Islanders general manager Mike Milbury.

(circled) Scientists may have discovered a galaxy where the Stars, Canucks and every other NHL team is run by Mike Milbury.
(circled) Scientists may have discovered a galaxy where the Stars, Canucks and every other NHL team is run by Mike Milbury.

BERKELEY, Ca (LHP) _ A team of scientists from the University of California have uncovered a cluster of galaxies approximately 11 million light-years from Earth and believe one of the solar systems in that cluster could contain a National Hockey League run entirely by Mike Milbury.

The cluster, temporarily named MMG 2834-95+27, is believed to have been formed when our Milky Way galaxy was in its infancy, and the massive difference in time could account for an entire NHL being controlled by a single man considered by most to be the worst general manager in league history.

"This discovery couldn't have been made without the most powerful telescopes, the hard work of many people, and an irrational, eternal fear of Mike Milbury managing our favorite hockey teams," project lead Graham Deagle said in the school's official release. "It's only recently that a cluster like this could be spotted and examined. As we learn more about the properties of these galaxies, we can determine the exact probability of 30 Mike Milbury's operating teams concurrently in a single location."

After many successful seasons as a tough player and coach with the Boston Bruins, Milbury was hired as head coach by the New York Islanders in 1995. He was promoted to GM when his predecessor Don Maloney was fired in 1996 and for the next decade baffled fans, media and his own colleagues with a seemingly endless string of ill-advised trades, misguided free agent signings, ineffectual coach firings and incendiary comments designed only to call attention to himself.

Deagle's research suggests that there could be a planet or galaxy somewhere in the universe in which Mike Milbury is simultaneously the general manager of the Bruins, Sabres, Hurricanes, Panthers, Canadiens, Devils, Islanders, Rangers, Senators, Flyers, Penguins, Lightning, Maple Leafs, Capitals, Jets, Ducks, Flames, Blackhawks, Avalanche, Blue Jackets, Stars, Red Wings, Oilers, Kings, Wild, Predators, Coyotes, Sharks, Blues and Canucks.

The existence of an NHL run entirely by Mike Milbury had been only a fringe theory since the 1990's, where it was posited and supported mostly by maverick scientists outside of the academic level. But the discovery of MMG 2834 has reignited the idea that a professional hockey league could be completely controlled by a single man universally understood to have had no idea what he was doing running a single team let alone 30.

"An NHL in which every team is managed by Mike Milbury is a very real possibility within this galaxy cluster," Deagle said. "Such a league would be, quite frankly, chaotic to the extreme. There would be trades made for no reason by the thousands, young players being poorly developed all year, millions of veteran players given loads of ice time despite minimal skill and an entire class of people putting an irrational emphasis on empty, blustery sound bites."

Deagle's team will continue to study the cluster using telescopes at Papua New Guinea and Peru and will collect data from sources around the globe. The ultimate goal is to construct a 3D map of the cluster and its individual galaxies so that the location of the Milbury-only NHL can be isolated and possibly destroyed.

"An NHL run entirely by Mike Milbury would confirm every hockey fan's worst nightmare. By identifying and neutralizing such a danger, we can give other players, teams, fans, planets, moons and galaxies a chance to enjoy hockey without apprehension. Because, sadly, for some of us in this galaxy, it's too late."


No, this isn't real. But this is the last Mike Milbury-related parody you'll see from me. Unless there actually is a galaxy where... no, I don't even want to think about it.

If, for some reason, you'd like a little backstory on this satire, I wrote about it here.