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Cappy Exit Interviews VI: Josh Bailey, Colin McDonald, Josh Bailey, Thomas Hickey, Josh Bailey

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I think this is part VI, I've lost count. But anyway, Head Coach Jack Capuano's quest to note each and every door that will be used continues with uni #s 12 - 14.

Zeeker Celebrates CMac's Season Buster
Zeeker Celebrates CMac's Season Buster
USA TODAY Sports

Cappy: OK, while we wait for Joshy, #13 - Amac. Come on in

Colin McDonald walks in

Cappy: Who is this guy? You looking for Moulson?

Colin McDonald: Uh...no. I'm Colin McDonald. #13.

Cappy: I thought Amac was....wait, Colin McDonald?

Colin McDonald: Yes. That's me.

Cappy: Dougie, what's going on here?

Dougie: We have two McDonalds on the team -

Cappy: Can we do that? That's not like that weird too many men on the ice rule, right?

Dougie: No, perfectly legal. We could have 20 McDonalds if we chose to.

Cappy: But only 9 on the ice at any one point. Right?

Dougie: Six, counting the goalie.

Cappy: Six, right. OK then. Now, who is this guy...?

Colin McDonald: Just a quick clarification - I'm a Mc Donald - M C Donald. AMac is a MacDonald - M A C, thus denoting a Scottish heritage whereas the M C implies Irish ancestry.

Cappy: What's the fast food chain?

Colin McDonald: That's a McDonalds, no A. Like me.

Cappy: Like you, great, I like that. You win. Amac - pack your shit and get outta here. And don't come back til you develop some sort of carb free special sauce.

AMac: from hallway No. That plan is stupid and I'm not leaving.

Cappy: OK...Colin McDonald...I don't have any notes on you. I don't think -

Josh Bailey comes flying in.

Josh Bailey: RING POPS! WHERE IS IT? RING POP!

Cappy: Eh. Eh. Stop that. First you answer my questions, then you pick up all that sh-...stuff you left in the locker room, then - where the hell did he go?

Dougie: I dunno, he was just here, hold on, sssshhhh.........ok, I hear him. He's in the locker room doing God knows what.

Cappy: Jeez, they move fast, don't they? OK, back to this guy....you sure you were on the team?

Colin McDonald: Yeah...I scored that goal against the Rangers like 30 seconds into the second period. I've heard people say that was the turning point of the season, you know?

Cappy: I thought that was Amac. Hey, Amac - your rating just dropped like 4 points. OK, Kevin - what else did you do?

Colin McDonald: I did some good stuff in the postseason. I, you know, I played SMAHT HAHD Hockey. Fourth line grinder, sorta style.

Cappy: Meh...ok, I mean, I like the smaht and hahd but, you're not wowwin' me.

Colin McDonald: I can make balloon animals?

Cappy: Can you make an octopus?

Colin McDonald: Sure.

Cappy: reaches into a drawer, pulls out several balloons. OK, wow me, son. I want an octopus, a leprechaun and your choice for the third. GO!

Joshy: MAKE A SNURFLEKARK! OR A TRACTOR!

Moulson: Bro - $5 if you can make a bong, $20 if it's functional.

McDonald hands Cappy a balloon octopus, to Moulson he hands a Leprachaun smoking a bong (non functional). He goes back to work on the tractor.

Cappy: Not bad. I notice Moulson's bong doesn't work, so point off for that. Tractor is looking good though...can you do magic tricks?

Colin McDonald: Sure.

Cappy: OK, listen - work my sons party next weekend, you get that point back.

Colin McDonald: You got it coach. How old is your son?

Cappy: 18, 19...I dunno. Dougie, I don't know this guy, but I kinda love him. Like in a man way. I'm gonna tell Gahth to give this kid a long term deal.

Colin McDonald: I got two more years, actually.

Cappy: That makes me happy - whoa, Joshy, what the hell are you doing down there?

Josh Bailey: Looking for my snurflekark.

Justin Bourne: Whoa....ok, yep....mine just kicked in.

Matt Moulson: Nice. Welcome bro.

Cappy: What's a snurflekark?

Josh Bailey: It's like a tenendra BUT BLUE!

Cappy: Dougie?

Dougie: Not a clue.

Cappy: Listen, Josh, we gotta do this interview thing. We can't go home until - and he's gone again. OK, back to, McDonald no A. I'm gonna give you a 7. Goes to an 8 after the party. I'd make it higher but I honestly have no idea who you are. Part of me thinks you're Mahty Reasonah in a wig....tugs Colin McDonald's hair. Nope, that's no wig. So with that in mind, which door you leaving from?

Colin McDonald: I dunno, 4?

Cappy: Perfect. Thanks, enjoy the summer - oh - there he is! Quick - Grabner - grab Joshy and hold him down....

Grabner: What? I did not hear this.

Cappy: That's why you sit on the bench, Grabner, you never listen.

Grabner: No, I listen. I just ignore.

Colin McDonald leaves.

Cappy: . OK, until Josh gets back, #14 - Thomas "Francis Ford Kuprick" Hickey. Get in here. You been filming these or what?

Hickey: Yeah, I have the tripods set up and all that. I'll mix the audio when they're all done.

Cappy: Where's the hat?

Dougie: Hat?

Cappy: Yeah, I got him one of them beret things that filmmakers wear. Where is it?

Hickey: I, uh...ummm...

Cappy: Come on, man. You gotta wear the hat.

Hickey: Actually, I'm using it now....to alter the lighting. Increase the shadow on your face. Makes the stubble pop out on the screen. I'm thinking 3D next season.

Cappy: See? What I tell ya. This kid's great. He's gonna be part of the big four someday, Dougie.

Dougie: Who are the big four?

Cappy: The Godfather Guy, and the guy with the helicopters blowing up the beaches with that classical music , the other guy....?

Dougie: Kubrick?

Cappy: No...the guy that made the movie with...that guy? You know.

Dougie: Tarantino? Orson Welles? Oh - Scorcese!

Cappy: No, but he's good too. The other one....this is gonna drive me nuts...

Dougie: Hickey - any guesses?

Hickey: I dunno. Coach made me watch Taxi Driver like 20 times because he thinks we should go in that direction next season, so that guy?

Dougie: Brian DePalma?

Cappy: I dunno, maybe. I can't keep track. Hold up - JOSHY - sit down....you want this Ring Pop? Yeah? Sit down. Now, which door will you leave from when we finish?

Bailey: I AM A ROBOT. I AM ZENEDEN PRIME, SENTIENT LIFE FORM APX906 FROM THE GALACTUS CLUSTER.

Cappy: Which door, Zeneden Prime?

Bailey: I AM HERE TO DESTROY ALL HUMAN LIFE!

Cappy: First you tell me which door, then you clean up that mess in the locker room, then you get your Ring Pop and blow us all to pieces for all I care.

Bailey: I AM A ROBOT!

Justin Bourne: This is the greatest thing I have even seen.

Moulson: I know, man. Told ya. This is like my favorite part of the year.

Cappy: Joshy - look at me - Joshy, Joshy - focus, FOCUS. Look at me....which door will you leave out of?

Josh Bailey: 9

Cappy: OK, th-

Josh Bailey: 8

Cappy: 9 or 8?

Josh Bailey: 7

Cappy: You're killin me.

Josh Bailey: 6

Cappy: OK, I'm just wri-

Josh Bailey: 5

Cappy: Uh oh. It's a countdown, boys.

Joshy Bailey: 4

Justin Bourne: Should I be nervous?

Josh Bailey: 3

Moulson: I dunno. Probably not. Maybe.

Josh Bailey: 2

Cappy: I bet he rips one, Dougie. That's what I'd do.

Josh Bailey: 1

Thomas Hickey: slightly panicky Guys.....I'm nervous, guys.

Josh Bailey: ENGAGE!

fade to black

and scene

....to be continued.