Editor's note: Oft-rec'd and hilarious commenter Les Beaver has taken his fictional "Cappy Talks" (okay, some were pre-gamers, some were exit interviews, some were indefinable) from the comments section to above the fold. This is the first in a series that will run whenever his muse strikes.
JACK CAPUANO, coach
TRAVIS HAMONIC, sincere defenseman
DOUG WEIGHT, assistant (to the) general manager, assistant (over the) coach, landlord, ex-captain, other
Cappy: OK, #3 - Hamonic. Travis, good season. I liked when you punched Malkin - that was pretty awesome. Hopefully next year you stop doing that stupid thing where pucks bounce off you and go into your own net. That's a dumb thing to do, Travis. I'm not a hockey genius, but I know that's dumb. Which door are you using to leave?
Travis: Before I do that, I just wanted to say –
Cappy: OK, we'll say Door 7. Later, enjoy the summer. Nex-
Travis: Coach, I just think maybe we could talk a little ab-
Cappy: OK, fine. Go.
Travis: It’s about my –
Cappy: TIME. Next.
Travis: I’ll punch you in your stupid, "slim for now but probably not for long" face if you don’t shut the fuck up and listen.
Cappy: You talk to Malkin with that mouth? Love that Warrior spirit, Travis. You got my attention. 20 words or less, go.
Travis: I have a couple of things I want to discuss. 1 – Amac. Love the guy, he’s a great D-partner, and a good friend, but I’m looking to upgrade. What’s the plan for free agency?
Cappy: Anyone get a word count? I lost track around six. Guy talks fast, boys. Works hahd, plays hahd, talks fast. Next question.
Travis: I need an answer.
Cappy: OK, you want a new D partner?
Travis: I want a better one, yes.
Travis: Don’t finish that.
Cappy: Streit’s probably gone, so Hickey or Lubo. Or other Strait.
Travis: I want a free agent. A good one.
Dougie: We don’t make those calls, Travis. That’s all Garth, and no one’s going in there to tell him how to do his job.
Cappy: ‘Cept Johnny T.
Dougie: True. Johnny does, but Garth doesn’t always listen. That’s a boat you don’t rock.
Travis: Ok – if he doesn’t sign anyone, I’ll take Viz.
Cappy: And lose the Twin Towers? No way. One of the few joys of this job night in and night out is saying "TWIN TOWERS" and watching those two Hobbits jump on the ice. Nope. You can have Strait.
Travis: You think pucks bouncing off me accidently was bad? Wait til I take that AHL reject, shove the damn puck in his ass, and then throw him into our own damn net! You want own goals, Jack? YOU’LL GET YOUR DAMN OWN GOALS!
Cappy: That’s way over 20 words…..OK, the boy drives a hahd bahgain, boys. I like that. I’ll talk to Gahth about a D-man this summer. Maybe one of the AHL kids is ready. Next question.
Hamonic: Tell Snow I want a good contract. No "one year to prove myself" bullshit, I’m not some first round pick having a slow start. 5 years minimum, big dollars. Stat.
Cappy: That’s not even a question. But I’ll allow it. Which door you leaving out of?
Cappy: It’s an exit interview, Travis. Which door you exiting out of?
Travis: Oh…uh….I dunno. The one near the box office.
Cappy: So….we’ll say, roll the 20-sided die, Dougie Master, aaaaannnndddd 14. Great. Have a good summer.
Cappy: Damn. Now I gotta run to the shittah. Not sure if it’s cause Hamonic scared the shit outta me or just cause it’s 9:30. I’m never up this early. The light's weird so early, you ever notice that? I’ll be back.