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For Rangers, a Fashionable Funeral (slide show)

A host of high-profile celebrities wearing the year's hottest designers gathered to pay their final respects to the New York Rangers after their final loss of the season.

By Dan Saraceni
  • HUNKS OF MANHOOD "300" actor Gerard Butler, wearing classic Armani, arrives early to the funeral and runs into Rangers forward Brian Boyle. The sexy Scot can definitely give Boyle some pointers on facial hair - that "Dread Pirate Roberts" look is indeed dreadful.
  • DULL HOUSE Mary Kate (or Ashley, we're not sure) Olsen slides past the dejected Rangers bench in an original Betsey Johnson. The outfit, like the Rangers' offense this post-season, is depressingly punchless and lacks any structure, despite a ton of hype and a high pricetag.
  • DORSETT'S CREEK Rangers pugelist Derek Dorsett tries to spark a boring funeral by fighting Boston's Gregory Campbell. The bout does little to change the Rangers fortunes, and causes Katie Holmes and her stunning Vera Wang gown to storm away in a courteous huff.
  • CHOWDER HOUSE RULES Despite tight security, a gang of unruly Bruins fans managed to push their way into the funeral. Unfortunately, Tobey Maguire and his wife, both in Ralph Lauren, had to hear several homophobic descriptions of his portrayal of Spider-Man before the louts could be ejected.
  • KING'S COMPLAINT Statuesque Uma Thurman wears a gorgeous green Dior gown, while normally smooth Swede Henrik Lundqvist looses his cool. Insiders say that the Rangers' goalie chose to sit apart from his teammates throughout the service. The emotional breakdown by “The King” caught everyone by surprise, but none more so than designer Zac Posen, who is recovering nicely after receiving one a black eye and a few broken ribs.
  • GARDEN OF GREEN Brad Richards, sporting the rumpled street clothes he's worn as a healthy scratch for the last two games of the series, leaves the funeral with Knicks forward Amare Stoudemire. Did Amare have any advice for his fellow Cablevision employee? “I told Brad it's all good. As long as the Garden is packed, the boss doesn't care if you win one game or 100. They just keep the checks coming.”
  • COACH BAG Fiery Rangers coach John Tortorella was subdued and quiet at the funeral, choosing introspection over incendiary comments. Although he was expected to make a memorable, inspiring speech to rally the team for next season, the coach chose to stay silent and left as soon as he could. “I had a whole eulogy written up,” he later confessed. “But I figured it would probably be misunderstood and just end up disappointing everyone, so I said the hell with it. Everybody's just so damn sensitive.”

(Note: The following slide show was scheduled to be published in the New York Times Fashion And Style Section this morning, but was pulled at the last moment for unknown reasons. E-mail inquiries to both the Times and the New York Rangers have not been answered as of this time. Lighthouse Hockey operatives within the paper were able to rescue the gallery and we have posted it here for your pleasure.)

Another Rangers season is in the books and, as usual, the team spared no expense to celebrate. Movie stars, musicians, designers and a veritable who's-who of New York society gathered at the Radio City Music Hall for a gala send-off dedicated to this year's team.

The Time's team of style and sports experts have put together a slide show to give those who could not score an exclusive invitation a brief glimpse into the glitz and glamor of the Rangers' annual funeral. (hover over the photos for captions)

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This is a parody of a satire of a farce.

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