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Islanders vs. Penguins [game thread, pre-game talk]

In which Kevin Poulin leads the playah hatah's ball.

Zat-kon. Zat-koff. Zat-kon, Zat-koff: The Zatker.
Zat-kon. Zat-koff. Zat-kon, Zat-koff: The Zatker.
Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sport

Islanders (8-11-3, 8th-Metro) @ Penguins (14-8-0, 1st)
7 p.m. EST | MSG+ | WRHU/WRCN
Pensive: PensBurgh

I'm pretty sure everyone who does game threads here is also a comment-section addict who would also be familiar with Les Beaver's pre-gamers. Well, in any case, they need a broader audience. Here's tonight's, posted in the morning thread:

JT: No, I’m telling you coach, push. Keep pushing and it will open.
Cappy: I’m pushing, Johnny, but it ain’t budging.
JT: Just keep at it, Jack. OK boys, this door won’t hold him forever. Eventually he’ll figure out it says pull, so we need to get this done. Things need to be said, and since I’m the captain of this team, I’m the one that needs to say them. Bottom line: We’re not doing well out there.
Cappy: Johnny – I’m gonna give it a runnin’ start, try to break it down like in a cop show, or an LA Jake Guns Absuano story – on three. ONE – TWO….uh, dougie?
Dougie: 3.
Cappy: 3 – here I go….that didn’t work, boys. And I think I dislocated my shoulder.
JT: Listen, guys, we’re playing like shit out there.
Hammer: Bullshit, guys. That’s bullshit.
JT: We need to focus. We’re better than this. We need to get our confidence back.
Joshy: We’ll be better when we get home to see Chippy.
JT: Chippy doesn’t play D or score goals, Joshy. That’s on us.
Poulin: Maybe he should. Not like we have a D corps anyway.
Nabby: This guy I like.
Cappy: OK Johnny, I got an idea. Maybe I need to pull. Maybe it’s backwardsin Canada, like the toilets in Austria.
Grabner: Toilets in Austria are not backwards?
JT: CARKNER – hold the door and do not let him in.
Cappy: OK boys, Dougie got my shoulder snapped back in, I’m gonna pull my way in….nope, not working.
JT: Just keep at it Jack, it’s just stuck. Good word, Matt.
Poulin: Oh hey, look who found his use in life – Matt Carkner – Door Holder. I was thinking I was going to get you an orange suit and bring you to my parking garage so you could stand in my spot so people knew not to park there.
Amac: Nice.
JT: So who’s got ideas? What’s going on? Why can’t we pull a full 60 minutes together?
Donovan: Carbs may help, actually.
Ness: True, but Coach says that makes us fat and week. I took notes that week, "Start with some bread, next thing you know you’re being hauled out of a dunkin donuts in handcuffs screaming that just because it’s not St. Patrick’s Day you should not be denied a green donut, we’re Americans god dammit!" I’m not sure carbs are the answer.
JT: No, the problem is in our heads, guys. We’re not focused.
Hammer: That’s bullshit. You can guys can write what you want, but we need to be focused.
Poulin: You guys ever think that the problem is that you’re all bad players?
JT: No, not really.
Poulin: Hey Johnny, you leading the league in points?
JT: No, I think I’m like 3rd or 4th.
Poulin: Oh, that’s nice. You’d think maybe the face of the franchise would lead the league in points for a little while, you know? That might help. Oh hey, Matty Martin – do me favor and hit the lights – or did you stop hitting things too, thus relieving the universe of having any purpose for you whatsoever? Donovan – if you spent ¼ of the time covering the right guy on the ice, I’d have the highest save percentage in the league. Shit, if Amac actually completed a pass to someone ON THE SAME TEAM, I’d probably be a few minutes away from the all time shutout record. I bet Chippy would fit into your uniform, I’m all for him getting some shifts.
JT: Not the worst idea…
Poulin: Sorry, what’s your name again?
Ness: Me? Aaron Ness – we’ve played together for like 3 years.
Poulin: Oh, my bad. I didn’t recognize you since you’re usually invisible out there.
Poulin: You do. Apparently.
Bailey: AWESOME!
Poulin: Oh, before I forget – Colin McDonald.
CMac: Yes?
Poulin: I just wanted to say that, because the way I see it, you’re pretty much done and I’m going to forget all about you, so I wanted to give you your one moment of relevance in my life. Pierre – you have a stupid name and you play the way you’d expect someone named "Pierre" to play. Peter Regin, if you weren’t Danish blood brothers with Frans I’d mock the shit out of you, but I want to keep all of my vital organs. Brock, why do you always look like a puppy that got caught eating garbage?
Amac: Kid is on fire. YEAH!
Poulin: Boulton, I hate to say it, but you’re pretty much our best player, and you’re like the worst player in the NHL.
Boulton: Thanks….?
KO: Do me next!
Poulin: Kyle, can’t you work up a spell that actually gets the puck to the net?
KO: Apparently not. I keep trying though. I need some baby’s breath or something, maybe.
Frans: I can arrange this.
KO: NO NO NO! Not a real baby, it’s like a flower.
Poulin: Hey Hickey, Ness and Donovan, I bet if we shaved off all your pathetic excuses for moustaches we’d just barely have enough for a five o’clock shadow on this Ken doll. Clutterbuck – STFU. Seriously, just STFU. I can’t stop goals and listen to you whine at the same. Zeeker – I really don’t have anything bad to say about you. I’d like to have 18 of you out there. Well, maybe 17 yous and a Frans.
Frans: That would be quite merciful. But still, the slaughter an army of 17 Zeekers led by me could do, oh the oceans of blood would be glorious.
Poulin: Thomas Vanek – glad we got rid of our 30 goal scorer so you and your hangnail could wait on line for the PS4? Right now my favorite guy on this team is Brian Strait cause he at least knows enough to pretend he’s hurt. The rest of you are killing me and this team. OK boys, good talk.
A nice round of applause from everyone.
Amac: That was epic.
Hammer: BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT, Kevin, Bullshit!
Amac: I think you mean Bravo.
Hammer: What I say?
Amac: "Bullshit."
Hammer: Oh, yeah. I meant Bravo.
JT: OK, any questions? No? Good. I’m not sure what good that did, but at least we know where we stand with our goalie. Matt – let Cappy back in.
Cappy: (enters wearing a wizard hat and holding a rod.) Should have just started with that one, boys. Magic word is "Sinestra" apparently.
KO: Works everytime, coach.
Cappy: Listen, I sent Dougie out for some baby’s breath, hoping your new spell works, Kyle. You’re kind of a joke out there when you shoot. And make a double batch for Amac too.
KO: I’m on it.
Cappy: Why is Poulin standing on a stage covered in roses?
JT: He, uh, was just –
Amac: I’m taking up painting. He’s modeling for me.
Cappy: Oh, good idea. Let me get my white board. (leaves)
Dougie: How’d the talk go, Johnny?
Johnny: I’m not sure…do they usually turn into one guy just burning everyone?
Dougie: Well, yeah.
JT: OK, then it went well.