TORONTO (Lighthouse Press) - Violence over the use of hockey stats has broken out across North America, forcing hundreds of people to flee their homes and leaving over a dozen NHL bloggers injured, authorities said today.
Security forces could not confirm what sparked the angry, dismissive and childish philosophical conflict over professional sports. Early reports suggest the attack was linked to a rebel front using the social media site Twitter to organize followers and sway opponents to their side using 140 characters or less.
Wounded in the skirmish were at least 16 bloggers who follow and report on the National Hockey League, but outlets such as the CBC, Yahoo and SB Nation estimate even more bruised egos, injured intellects and disrupted world views than were originally reported. Injuries include sore typing fingers, broken forehead blood vessels and raised blood pressure levels, according to medical teams on the ground.
"This is the worst internet stats battle I've seen," said one doctor. "We can't keep up with all the agitated people talking about hockey players taking shots on net."
Immediately following the attack, statistics protesters took to the internet and chanted slogans against the metrics and their supporters, calling for the "death to the Corsi dictatorship," and for opponents to "Watch the Games." Counter-protests sprung up in response, with participants chanting "Hey Hey Ho Ho Plus/Minus Has Got to Go," referring to established data used by many hockey fans and analysts.
No group has claimed responsibility for the pointless strike, and witnesses could not identify any antagonists that may have incited the latest snark attack.
"Somebody set off a stats argument. I heard screaming outside that someone was wrong on the internet and I ran as fast as I could," said one observer who escaped to safety immediately after the incident. "I didn't see who it was. There were innocent people trapped inside. It's inhuman. It's just hockey."
Smaller regional skirmishes between bloggers focused on more recent hockey metrics and staunch hockey fundamentalists had been raging for years before finally boiling over into widespread panic this week. Those favoring traditional hockey stats have formed militia groups and have clashed in the streets with online revolutionaries protesting the long-established doctrines of the sport.
With sections of the internet barricaded for months, the daily battles over hockey stats are taking their toll on residential hockey fans just trying to live workaday lives and wondering when it will all end.
"Everyday, it's a new fight. I am scared," said a local school teacher. "I get one hour of hockey twitter a day. These stats arguments are sometimes all I see. I can't take it anymore. People can't live this way."
Based on some anonymous tips, security forces have stormed mothers' basements across North America looking for insurgents, but have yet to find any.
More Satire from Lighthouse Hockey:
- NHL Shuts Down In Impasse Over Fighting
- Flyers Name Sylvester Stallone Head Coach
- Internet Troll Prepares for Next Round of NHL Playoffs
- Bryan Trottier: Champion and Career Penguin
This is satire. I'll probably re-run it every time another stats battle flares up. You never have to wait that long for the next one.