LHH Zeitgeist: Tortorella Press Conferences Throughout History

The terse, short press conferences of Rangers coach John Tortorella have become the stuff of legend this post-season. To some, they are the work of a focused leader directing his team towards a singular goal. To others, Tortorella is spitting in the face of the hockey press and the fans that want insight into his tactics. To many, it's sitcom-style comedy unfolding right before their eyes.

But astute observers will note that similarly tense relations have been going on between the media and the Tortorella family for generations. This is only the latest chapter in an ongoing war epic.

Culling from various archival material, museums and experts from around the globe, Lighthouse Hockey presents the full, unabridged and unedited Transcripts of Tortorella Press Conferences throughout History.

The Last Supper - 33 A.D - Jerusalem

Barnabas Tortorellius, head coach, Bethlehem Bulls

Reporter: Torts, can you talk about Judas and his play tonight?

Tortorellius: No.

The Spanish Inquisition - 1483 - Valencia, Spain

Juan Sanchez Torquemada de Tortorella, head coach, Madrid Marauders

Reporter: Can you tell us a little more about your gameplan for converting the Jews to Christianity?

de Tortorella: We're gonna keep it in the room.

First Thanksgiving - 1621 - Plymouth Plantation, Mass.

Sir Thomas Tortorella, head coach, Salem Warlocks

Reporter: Coach, how do you expect the relationship between the settlers and the natives to progress from here?

Tortorella: I don't talk about the other team.

Signing of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

Second Continental Congress, Philadelphia

Benjamin Tortorella, head coach, Connecticut Whalers (Note: not a hockey team. Actual whalers)

Reporter: Torts, can you talk about the increased amount of page space given to John Hancock and his signature?

Tortorella: No. Ask him.

Lincoln Assassination - April 14, 1865 - Washington, D.C.

General Uylsses Tortorella, head coach, Union Bayonettes

Reporter: Do you agree that the south is avenged?

Tortorella: No.

First Use of the Electric Chair - August, 6 1890 - New York

Ignatius Tortorella, head coach, Edison Oilers

Reporter: Torts, can you talk to us about the work Nikola Tesla and Westinghouse are doing on this so-called, "alternating current?"

Tortorella: I don't talk about the other team.

Wright Brothers' first flight - December 17, 1903 - Kitty Hawk, N.C.

Zeb Tortorella, head coach, Carolina Pirates

Reporter: Coach, can you tell us about the decision to put Orvy and Wilbs in the starting lineup?

Tortorella: No.

Titanic Disaster - April, 1912 - Off the coast of Nova Scotia

Leonardo Tortorella, head coach, Nova Scotia Nighthawks

Reporter: Coach, did you have any indication at all that the ship could possibly sink?

Tortorella: Are you trying to be a wise ass?

Russian Revolution - October, 1917 - Moscow

Dmitri Tortorellovich, head coach, Siberia Huskies

Reporter: Can you give us some clarification on the whereabouts of the Romanov family?

Tortorellovich: No.

Frank Family Goes Into Hiding - July, 1942 - Amsterdam

Otto Tortorella, head coach, Mighty Ducks of Amsterdam

Reporter: Torts, how do you plan on hiding from the Nazis?

Tortorella: We're gonna keep it in the room.

Kennedy Assasination - November 1963 - Dallas

Lyndon Baines Tortorella, head coach, Camelot Cavaliers

Reporter: Coach, do you believe there was another shooter?

Tortorella: That's crap.

Watergate Hotel - June, 1972 - Washington, D.C.

G. Gordon Tortorella, head coach, Washington Criminals

Reporter: Can you talk a little about the decision to remove the democrats from the game?

Tortorella: No.

Discovery of Al Capone's Vault - April 21, 1986 - Chicago

Geraldo Tortorella, head coach, Great Neck Gabbers

Reporter: Can you tell us what your plans are for the worthless garbage you found in there?

Tortorella: We're gonna keep it in the room.

Berlin Wall Comes Down - 1989 - Berlin

Hans Tortorella, head coach, Potsdam Penguins

Reporter: Do you think this cold war is really over?

Tortorella: No.

Guantanimo Bay - January, 2002 - Cuba

Gen. Donald J. Tortorella, head coach, Gitmo Grenades

Reporter: Coach, how do you plan on neutralizing possible terrorist suspects?

Tortorella: We're gonna keep it in the room.

Madison Square Garden - 2012 - New York

John Tortorella, head coach, New York Rangers

Reporter: Are you going to talk to us today?

Tortorella: No.

Reporter: Can we write that you didn't talk to us today and make the story about that instead of the game?

Tortorella: Sure. Go ahead.