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Zeitgeist: Interpreting the New York Islanders Season Ticket Letter

To defray any price increase, we recommend you continue bringing one visiting fan to each game.
To defray any price increase, we recommend you continue bringing one visiting fan to each game.

New York Islanders season ticket appeals are out, and news of different price hikes -- always a tough sell for a bottom-five team -- has reached online venues and season ticket holder mailboxes. Point Blank writer Kevin Schultz has a critical take on the raised prices here.

As for the letter itself, we think there's more to it. We decided to turn to our forensic psychologists -- fully licensed and accredited by LHH Zeitgeist Inc. -- to read between the lines of the letter to divine pending roster moves and subliminal messages to the faithful.

Official letter text is in blue boxes, Tom Cruise-approved subliminal interpretation appears below each box:

Note: The full letter is here. We're just posting excerpts for Zeitgeist sport.

March 9, 2012

Dear [season ticket holder name]:

Dear poor, poor bastard:

Before you shut the door, let us explain.

* *

March is the most exciting time of the hockey season...

...because you know less than five weeks remain before this horse is mercifully put down.

* *

This season has brought to light what our current and future success will be built upon...

...and it sure as the devil ain't Brian Rolston or Mike Mottau. Our bad on that one.

* *

John Tavares has shown the world that he is a star and an elite player in the NHL.

...which we know comes as a shock to Colorado fans still obsessing over Tavares vs. Matt Duchene. Feel free to remind them. And bring them to a game.

Matt Moulson continues to find the back of the net, determined to be a top player in the best league in the world.

Coincidentally, Los Angeles continues to find itself 29th in the league in goals scored.

Frans Nielsen has developed into one of the best two-way centers in the NHL.

Frans Nielsen has developed into an outright Danish god, but legal told us to keep religion out of this appeal.

But between you and us, we regret that this lineup is currently big enough for only one god at a time, thus Nielsen shall be the God of Long Island and Micheal Haley shall remain the God of Bridgeport until the two of them can reach an agreement on what to do with Rolston's soul. The gods work in mysterious ways.

All shall be rectified next year, in accordance with the prophecies.

* *

The Islanders have received solid goaltending to go along with their defense, led by Mark Streit, Travis Hamonic, and Andrew MacDonald.

Note that we say "to go along with" rather than "and." It is no accident that we mention only three defensemen and zero goalies by name.

Next season all goalies will wear #00 with a nameplate that says 'KEEPER, and sleeves that have FRAGILE stamped in block red letters.

* *

As we're gearing up for more exciting times,

-- such as April's draft lottery --

...we'd like to let you know about some of the upgrades that have been made and that are forthcoming at Nassau Coliseum: [...] added an Islanders Team Store [...] parking areas resurfaced [...] new glass around the ice [...] his summer, the seats in the 100 level are being replaced with brand new, larger and more comfortable models.

Our contractors assured us the Team Store facade and parking lot treatment are built to last until at least 2015, and the half-life of the chemicals in all materials used is even shorter than industry standard, meeting all Town of Hempstead "Suburbia Now!" codes. Honest.

We are also confident that the upgrades to 100-level seats will make them even more attractive tickets for you to sell to visiting Rangers, Canadiens and Devils fans as you recoup your season ticket investment.

* *

If you renew and pay in full prior to April 16, 2012 ...

... maybe you don't have to kiss P.A. Parenteau goodbye.

... NHL All-Star John Tavares will personally autograph and present you with a jersey at an exclusive meet and greet.

Furthermore, we guarantee Tavares will score a goal that night. 'Cause that's what he do.

* *

Getting behind our team of young, talented players is something you will not want to miss...

...especially after some of the old farts you sat through this season in the name of veteran experience and in-the-room-iness.

But anyway, you know how we only mentioned three defensemen above? They'll have young, talented buddies next year.

Be a part of it. Go Islanders!

We know why you're here and this sickness isn't curable, so you might as well embrace it and cheer. No sleep 'till Brooklyn.