Introducing the new LHH advice column, 'Dear Nabby'

Dear Nabby:

I recently had to resign from my rather high-profile job because an extra-marital affair I was involved in became public. This wasn't the first time I had cheated, but it was the first time I've been caught. My current partner, whom I had been working with on multiple projects including a best-selling book, went from being a whip-smart, vivacious, sexy young woman to being a jealous, unhinged lunatic. Not only did her jealousy cause me to lose my job, but it's already gotten some of my friends and co-workers in trouble as well and probably more will follow.

My question is, should I stay with my partner before she releases more national military secrets and try to heal the relationship, or should I break it off and find a new sexual partner who also isn't my wife?

Sincerely,

G.I. Joe Blow

***

Dear Joe:

I can sympathize with this sticky situation. As a goaltender, I am of often accused of "cheating the angles" or "wandering out of position." You need to stay focused and forget your mistakes as soon as they happen. Tomorrow is another day and for you, probably another woman.

___

Dear Nabby:

I was enjoying retirement time by reading and meditating, when an old friend called and offered me my old job back. After thinking about it for a day, I got the itch to return and accepted the position with a handshake. Less than 24 hours later, in the middle of the night, my "old friend" had an underling call me and tell me they gave my job to someone else who, frankly, isn't as good as me.

Since this happened, I'm having great trouble finding my zen and relaxing. What should I do to move on? Should I simply be like water or join a competing organization and attempt to destroy my "old friends" once and for all?

Thanks,

Coach Cali

***

Dear Coach:

Being pulled out of a game is never fun, especially when you feel good and are seeing the puck okay and you just got burned by a couple of lucky bounces and your damn defense isn't fronting the attackers like you've asked them to a million times and are dropping to the ice like a sack of beets every time anyone skates near them so that you can't see the damn puck. It can be frustrating.

You need to just shake it off and concentrate on your game. Also, tripping your teammates as they come back through the bench door is a fun way to release some of your anger.

___

Dear Nabby:

Women are constantly throwing themselves at me. In my line of work, I find myself surrounded by teen girls (and occasionally mothers) who are always offering to marry me or hug me or do things I've never heard of to parts of my body I'm not sure I have yet. It can be a real painful ordeal.

I'm recently single and I expect the problem will get worse very soon. What's the best way to tell a screaming, uncontrollable mob of girls to form an orderly queue and wait their turn if they want to tear off a piece of my clothes or a lock of my perfectly quaffed hair?

Cheers,

Wizard of Womanly Places

***

Dear Wiz:

Goaltenders are constantly under pressure. Once, I turned back 45 shots in a single game and felt like I was in a warzone. Just keep working hard and try to contain them as best you can. Also, please use protection. I recommend these.

___

This is a parody. Please don't take this advice. Please don't think Nabby the Goalie had anything to do with any of this.