Lighthouse Zeitgeist
Humor, parody, fiction and other things to make us laugh from the New York Islanders and the wider world of hockey.
Isles name Facebook page President of Hockey Ops
The New York Islanders, in the home stretch of a disappointing non-playoff season, shook up their front office today, naming their Facebook page President of Hockey Operations. (humor)
Islanders Waive Black Alternate Jersey
(humor) The New York Islanders have placed their black alternate jerseys on waivers after three years of disappointing performances and missed potential. No teams are expected to claim the jersey by noon tomorrow.
Report: Isles to pay players in Bitcoins in '14-15
(humor) The New York Islanders are planning to pay their players in intangible Bitcoins beginning next season. Once again, the unorthodox hockey club finds a new way to not spend real money on its roster.
Gov. Cuomo declares a state of emergency for Isles
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo declared a state of emergency for the New York Islanders amid the prolonged futility that has pounded fans for almost two decades. Long Island residents are urged to stay inside and avoid exposure to the team. (humor)
There's an AMac for that: Why you need MacDonald
Islanders defenseman Andrew MacDonald is a popular trade target for teams looking to upgrade for the playoffs. A lot of people will tell you his game has too many holes. THOSE PEOPLE ARE WRONG.
NCAA Strips LaFontaine of Islanders, Sabres Stats
After a three-month investigation, the NCAA announced it has stripped Pat LaFontaine of his statistics and awards accumulated while playing for the Buffalo Sabres and New York Islanders. (Satire.)
Pierre McGuire detained by Sochi police
(humor) NBC hockey analyst Pierre McGuire was detained in the Winter Olympics host city of Sochi on charges of spying. He was held overnight in a police station and intimidated by the officers "big body presence and active night sticks."
OCP to rebuild Isles Tavares as cyborg 'RoboJohn'
With their star sidelined for the remainder of the NHL season with a knee injury, the New York Islanders and megacorporation OCP say they plan to rebuild John Tavares as a half-human half-robot cyborg hybrid known as "RoboJohn." (humor)
Non-Olympic Isles compete in snowball fight
The Islanders' team-wide parking lot snowball fight begins this week for players that were not invited to participate in their national teams at the Winter Games in Sochi. (humor)
What Twitter would say if Billy Smith played today
The Islanders' dynasty era netminder is a legend because of his win total and his battlin' style. But that's with 30 yeras of hindsight and history behind him. What would hockey media say if he played today?
Yankee Stadium Forecast: Freaking cold
Lighthouse Hockey's unlicensed meteorologists are predicting a cold one out there when the New York Islanders face the New York Rangers at Yankee Stadium in the Bronx on Wednesday night.
Stadium Series Safety Tips presented by Coors
Coors Light, the NHL's Stadium Series sponsor, has issued a handy guide for keeping warm while watching tonight's Islanders-Rangers game at Yankee Stadium. We don't want to know what would happen if we didn't run it, so here it is. (humor)
Vanek Negotiation: Isles gift winger a Greek diner
(humor) As an incentive to entice the high-scoring unrestricted free agent winger to stay with the club, the New York Islanders gave Thomas Vanek his own diner.
Isles Fans Hold Closed-Door Meeting
A disappointing and mistake-filled loss to Carolina on Saturday night caused Islanders fans everywhere to huddle up and hash out their differences in private. (satire)
Zeitgeist: Tavares is ESPN's top NHL 'Poor Guy'
Islanders captain John Tavares is the top hockey player on ESPN's "Poor Guy" list, a collection of great athletes on pitiable teams. (satire)
'Charles': Isles Fan's In-Air Exchange with Wang
On a red-eye flight back to New York, a lone Islanders fan & team owner Charles Wang engaged in a note-passing conversation in an incredible story which unfolded on Twitter but was missed by the world at large. (parody)
Self-Destructing Isles Introduce Second Mascot
Losers of eight straight and sporting the NHL's worst penalty kill, half a dozen slumping forwards and inadequate goaltending, the New York Islanders have brought along a new friend to delight fans of all ages - Dolly the Snow Girl! (satire)
Isles Primer for Western Conference Teams & Fans
The New York Islanders begin a five game road trip against some Western Conference teams that probably have no idea that the islanders are still in the NHL. Fortunately, we at Lighthouse Hockey watch the Islanders so you don't have to.
Zeitgeist: Isles fans flock to annual Drift Party
Despite being cancelled last season, the yearly event in which Islanders fans say goodbye to their favorite team and move on their lives is bigger and more popular than ever. (satire)
Efficiency, Thy Name Is Eric Boulton.
Eric Boulton needs not gobs of games nor ice time to make his presence felt on the scoresheet.
Zeitgeist: Transcript of 'The Cappysburg Address'
Following a player's only meeting after their loss in Toronto, Islanders coach Jack Capuano also addressed his team, with some help from Abraham Lincoln. He's a transcript of his stirring speech.(satire)
Zeitgeist: NHL 2013-14 Fandom Cancellation Form
Is your team already out of the playoffs before (American) Thanksgiving? Here's the good news: the NHL has released its Fandom Cancellation Survey today. Simply fill out the PDF, mail it to the league and you can walk away from them forever! (satire)
Bloggers Injured in Violence Over Hockey Stats
A hockey stats related skirmish erupts, causing hysteria on the internet and harming people with sports opinions. Injuries include sore typing fingers, broken forehead blood vessels and raised blood pressure levels.
Source: Rob Ford Has Dressed as Leafs Mascot
Toronto mayor Rob Ford has at least once dressed as Maple Leafs mascot Carlton the Bear, Lighthouse Hockey has learned. The video shows the mayor wearing the suit and telling unseen companions, "I just need 10 f----in' minutes." (satire)
Congratulations to two-time Cusp champion Wild
Some fans want to win in the long haul, but for the Minnesota Wild, it's best to live in the moment and talk about the championship pedigree and penchant for player development.
Zeitgeist: Dr. Phil's Advice to Stop NHL Violence
The host of television's Number One daytime talk show says it's time for a changing day in the life of the National Hockey League. Dr. Phil offers his tips for how the NHL can end ugly incidents such as Friday night's brawl in Philadelphia. (satire)
Proper Care: The Rick DiPietro Owner's Manual
After a buyout and few months of rest, Rick DiPietro has signed a try out contract with the Charlotte Checkers of the AHL. Islanders fans recommend they read this manual thoroughly before installing a slightly refurbished Rick DiPietro. (satire)
Isles Resurrect Ghost of Radek Martinek
The Islanders have turned to an old, lost soul and released the ghost of Radek Martinek into the NHL following the loss of Lubomir Visnovsky to a concussion last weekend. UPDATE: He'll play in Pittsburgh Friday.
Zeitgeist: Ryan Miller's No Movement Clause
Lighthouse Hockey has an EXCLUSIVE look at Ryan Miller's No Movement Clause, that pesky five year old document that's keeping him from being traded to whatever team you want to trade him to. (satire)
Zeitgeist: 'Passenger' Isles to Live on Airplane
To shake up the sluggish Islanders, coach Jack Capuano announced that the team will live, sleep & eat aboard a Lufthansa 737 during an upcoming four-game homestand. "They wanna play like passengers, we're gonna treat them like passengers." (satire)
Flyers Name Sylvester Stallone Head Coach
Concerned about the team's direction, the Flyers have named movie legend Sylvester Stallone head coach. Stallone vows to lean on his action movie experience to motivate the flagging Flyers. (satire)
Zeitgeist: NHL Shuts Down In Impasse Over Fighting
The National Hockey League shut down Wednesday, with those opposed to fighting in the sport continuing to demand that the league's goons be removed and commissioner Gary Bettman and traditionalists refusing to give in. (satire)