Islanders coach Jack Capuano talks a lot about his players' "Battle Level." And now, finally, Lighthouse Hockey has uncovered the secrets behind Capuano's homemade player evaluation system. (parody)

The NHL general managers meeting in Toronto this week wasn't all business. When not arguing over the shootout and visors, the GM's gathered around the table, poured some Mountain Dew and played a sweet Magic: The Gathering tournament (parody)

Penguins star Sidney Crosby was finally awarded official ownership of the New York Islanders on Monday. With 73 points in 39 career games against the Islanders, Crosby has now claimed complete control over the division rival. (parody)

North Korean supreme leader and die-hard Panthers fan Kim Jong-un has threatened a nuclear strike over the NHL's realignment plan because of Florida's inclusion in a division with northern cities Boston, Montreal, Toronto & Detroit. (parody)

The New York Islanders have decided to pack up their stuff and move back in with their parents rather than spend another day dealing with a miserable landlord. (parody)

All seemed lost for humanity during a recent alien invasion until a group of NHL enforcers used grit, toughness and good ol' fashioned fisticuffs to change the momentum. (parody)

A strong start wasn't enough to keep the Islanders from losing their Oscar pool on Sunday. They correctly predicted victories by Life of Pi & Anna Karenina, but lost the third period battles of Best Actress & Best Adapted Screenplay. (parody)

After 13 years, a ton of losses and a million injuries, the Islanders have placed goalie Rick DiPietro on waivers. It's a tough time for the former All Star and first overall pick. But a famous life coach has some words of advice for him. (parody)

For the first time since 1997, Lindy Ruff is not the coach of the Buffalo Sabres. That means he has a lot of free time to catch up on some hobbies and interests he had to give up years ago like Nash Bridges and Nintendo 64. (parody)

With Pope Benedict XVI stepping down at the end of the month, the Vatican has announced plans to retire his number and the decision is not sitting well with some fans. (parody) (not really about hockey) (whatever)

The meteor that exploded over Russia last week brought more than just window-busting shockwaves. A young boy with amazing super powers was found in a spaceship among the debris and the Russian hockey community already has him on the ice. (parody)

After Thursday's 4-3 shootout win over the Rangers, the New York Islanders snapped their 5-game losing streak and can finally leave the powerless cruise ship they had been stranded on for the last week. (parody)

The New York Islanders have dropped five straight games. The players are frustrated, the coaches are frustrated & the fans are frustrated. Fortunately, owner Charles Wang has planned a speech to shake the team from its malaise. (parody)

The Islanders' season-ending 3-2 loss to Buffalo on Saturday was their fourth season-ending defeat this week and definitely worse than the previous season-ending losses to New Jersey, Pittsburgh and the Rangers. (parody)

Recently traded to the New York Islanders, forthright goaltender Tim Thomas plans to follow in the footsteps of former Long Island resident Theodore Roosevelt and lead a third party revolution in American politics. (parody)