Lighthouse Zeitgeist

Humor, parody, fiction and other things to make us laugh from the New York Islanders and the wider world of hockey.

"I'm Coming Home" - Dr. J to play D for Isles


[humor] Julius "Dr. J" Erving is coming back to Nassau Coliseum to play for the arena's final pro sports tenant, the New York Islanders. At 6-foot-6, Erving, 64, can give the Islanders the veteran...

NHL threatens lockout to curb Isles spending spree


[humor] The NHL made what could be its first move towards a fourth lockout, demanding an end to the recent out-of-control spending by the previously frugal New York Islanders. The NHL is willing to...

An exclusive look at standard NHL No-Move form


[humor] Lighthouse Hockey has obtained a copy of a standard NHL Player Movement Restriction form, used by players and agents to keep away from undesirable destinations. If you want to stay out of...

Trade Targets: an aluminum boat & mortadella


[humor] Signs point to defenseman Matt Donovan and forward Josh Bailey as the most likely candidates for the Islanders to trade. What can they get for them? How about a fishing boat, 300 lbs of...

Rangers prep for 2044 Cup run by cloning Lundqvist


[humor] The New York Rangers are already hard at work on a plan to secure their next championship by cloning their best player, goaltender Henrik Lundqvist, using experimental DNA extraction and a...

Pierre McGuire's Application for Penguins GM Job


[humor] NBC NHL analyst Pierre McGuire was very much in the running for the open Pittsburgh Penguins GM position and Lighthouse Hockey informants have provided us with the employment application he...

Dolan planning concept album based on Rangers


Rangers CEO and touring musician James Dolan is planning a concept album based on his hockey team's playoff run, according to an upcoming interview in Rolling Stone. Or this could be a total goof.

Trash Talk From the Original Six Era


Accusations, trash talk and death threats are a hot topic during the NHL playoffs, but they're nothing new to hockey. Here's a (totally fake) list of biting insults from the NHL's Original Six era.

Rowdy Bruins & Habs Face Detention, Expulsion


(humor) The Boston Bruins and Montreal Canadiens could face disciplinary actions such as weeks of detention, demerits or expulsion from class if they don't watch their behavior according to an NHL...

TMZ: Sterling doesn't know Kings play at Staples


[humor] Gossip site TMZ has released a second tape that reveals that racist Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling does not know that his team shares an arena with L.A.'s NHL team, the Los...


NHL to allow hunting, trapping of Matt Cooke


[humor] The NHL is expected to unveil a plan that would allow professional fishermen to track down and trap Minnesota Wild forward Matt Cooke. The plan could save players, fans, tourists, swimmers...

NHL Big Brothers help guide wayward franchises


(humor) Brendan Shanahan and Trevor Linden share heartwarming stories about the NHL's mentoring initiative, which matches teams in need of guidance with former players willing to spend some spare...

Garbage fire, tire fire or dumpster fire?


Some NHL teams have a lot of questions to answer before next season. But before you label your team or another a "dumpster fire" or a "tire fire," please know the differences between the...

Isles sale drags on for another excruciating hour


The New York Islanders are for sale and it's taking forever to make a deal. A source tells Lighthouse Hockey, "It's gone on way too long. A guy with a lot of dough needs to step up and just buy the...

SI Announces Fan Misery Swimsuit Issue


Sports Illustrated will publish a special Collector's Edition Swimsuit Issue of its NHL Fan Misery Rankings. Twenty-five of the world's most beautiful models, barely clothed, will grace some breezy...

Comeback? DiPietro Working Out at Iceworks


Our spies have spotted the longtime Islanders goalie working out at their practice facility...or maybe we are drunk.

Deal for you: A List of Prospective Isles Owners


Islanders owner Charles Wang might sell his majority stake in the club, per a report from TSN insider Bob McKenzie. So who could buy them and how will they eventually disappoint Islanders fans?...

Isles name Facebook page President of Hockey Ops


The New York Islanders, in the home stretch of a disappointing non-playoff season, shook up their front office today, naming their Facebook page President of Hockey Operations. (humor)

Islanders Waive Black Alternate Jersey


(humor) The New York Islanders have placed their black alternate jerseys on waivers after three years of disappointing performances and missed potential. No teams are expected to claim the jersey...

Report: Isles to pay players in Bitcoins in '14-15


(humor) The New York Islanders are planning to pay their players in intangible Bitcoins beginning next season. Once again, the unorthodox hockey club finds a new way to not spend real money on its...

Gov. Cuomo declares a state of emergency for Isles


New York Governor Andrew Cuomo declared a state of emergency for the New York Islanders amid the prolonged futility that has pounded fans for almost two decades. Long Island residents are urged to...

There's an AMac for that: Why you need MacDonald


Islanders defenseman Andrew MacDonald is a popular trade target for teams looking to upgrade for the playoffs. A lot of people will tell you his game has too many holes. THOSE PEOPLE ARE WRONG.

NCAA Strips LaFontaine of Islanders, Sabres Stats


After a three-month investigation, the NCAA announced it has stripped Pat LaFontaine of his statistics and awards accumulated while playing for the Buffalo Sabres and New York Islanders. (Satire.)

Pierre McGuire detained by Sochi police


(humor) NBC hockey analyst Pierre McGuire was detained in the Winter Olympics host city of Sochi on charges of spying. He was held overnight in a police station and intimidated by the officers "big...

OCP to rebuild Isles Tavares as cyborg 'RoboJohn'


With their star sidelined for the remainder of the NHL season with a knee injury, the New York Islanders and megacorporation OCP say they plan to rebuild John Tavares as a half-human half-robot...

Non-Olympic Isles compete in snowball fight


The Islanders' team-wide parking lot snowball fight begins this week for players that were not invited to participate in their national teams at the Winter Games in Sochi. (humor)

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