Lighthouse Zeitgeist

NHL Big Brothers help guide wayward franchises

(humor) Brendan Shanahan and Trevor Linden share heartwarming stories about the NHL's mentoring initiative, which matches teams in need of guidance with former players willing to spend some spare time with them.

Garbage fire, tire fire or dumpster fire?

Some NHL teams have a lot of questions to answer before next season. But before you label your team or another a "dumpster fire" or a "tire fire," please know the differences between the distinctions. (humor)

Isles sale drags on for another excruciating hour

The New York Islanders are for sale and it's taking forever to make a deal. A source tells Lighthouse Hockey, "It's gone on way too long. A guy with a lot of dough needs to step up and just buy the damn team." (humor)

SI Announces Fan Misery Swimsuit Issue

Sports Illustrated will publish a special Collector's Edition Swimsuit Issue of its NHL Fan Misery Rankings. Twenty-five of the world's most beautiful models, barely clothed, will grace some breezy articles about bad hockey teams. (humor)

Comeback? DiPietro Working Out at Iceworks

Our spies have spotted the longtime Islanders goalie working out at their practice facility...or maybe we are drunk.

Deal for you: A List of Prospective Isles Owners

Islanders owner Charles Wang might sell his majority stake in the club, per a report from TSN insider Bob McKenzie. So who could buy them and how will they eventually disappoint Islanders fans? Here's a quick list. (humor)

Isles name Facebook page President of Hockey Ops

The New York Islanders, in the home stretch of a disappointing non-playoff season, shook up their front office today, naming their Facebook page President of Hockey Operations. (humor)

Islanders Waive Black Alternate Jersey

(humor) The New York Islanders have placed their black alternate jerseys on waivers after three years of disappointing performances and missed potential. No teams are expected to claim the jersey by noon tomorrow.

Report: Isles to pay players in Bitcoins in '14-15

(humor) The New York Islanders are planning to pay their players in intangible Bitcoins beginning next season. Once again, the unorthodox hockey club finds a new way to not spend real money on its roster.

Gov. Cuomo declares a state of emergency for Isles

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo declared a state of emergency for the New York Islanders amid the prolonged futility that has pounded fans for almost two decades. Long Island residents are urged to stay inside and avoid exposure to the team. (humor)


There's an AMac for that: Why you need MacDonald

Islanders defenseman Andrew MacDonald is a popular trade target for teams looking to upgrade for the playoffs. A lot of people will tell you his game has too many holes. THOSE PEOPLE ARE WRONG.

NCAA Strips LaFontaine of Islanders, Sabres Stats

After a three-month investigation, the NCAA announced it has stripped Pat LaFontaine of his statistics and awards accumulated while playing for the Buffalo Sabres and New York Islanders. (Satire.)

Pierre McGuire detained by Sochi police

(humor) NBC hockey analyst Pierre McGuire was detained in the Winter Olympics host city of Sochi on charges of spying. He was held overnight in a police station and intimidated by the officers "big body presence and active night sticks."

OCP to rebuild Isles Tavares as cyborg 'RoboJohn'

With their star sidelined for the remainder of the NHL season with a knee injury, the New York Islanders and megacorporation OCP say they plan to rebuild John Tavares as a half-human half-robot cyborg hybrid known as "RoboJohn." (humor)

Non-Olympic Isles compete in snowball fight

The Islanders' team-wide parking lot snowball fight begins this week for players that were not invited to participate in their national teams at the Winter Games in Sochi. (humor)

What Twitter would say if Billy Smith played today

The Islanders' dynasty era netminder is a legend because of his win total and his battlin' style. But that's with 30 yeras of hindsight and history behind him. What would hockey media say if he played today?

Yankee Stadium Forecast: Freaking cold

Lighthouse Hockey's unlicensed meteorologists are predicting a cold one out there when the New York Islanders face the New York Rangers at Yankee Stadium in the Bronx on Wednesday night.

Stadium Series Safety Tips presented by Coors

Coors Light, the NHL's Stadium Series sponsor, has issued a handy guide for keeping warm while watching tonight's Islanders-Rangers game at Yankee Stadium. We don't want to know what would happen if we didn't run it, so here it is. (humor)

Vanek Negotiation: Isles gift winger a Greek diner

(humor) As an incentive to entice the high-scoring unrestricted free agent winger to stay with the club, the New York Islanders gave Thomas Vanek his own diner.

Isles Fans Hold Closed-Door Meeting

A disappointing and mistake-filled loss to Carolina on Saturday night caused Islanders fans everywhere to huddle up and hash out their differences in private. (satire)

Zeitgeist: Tavares is ESPN's top NHL 'Poor Guy'

Islanders captain John Tavares is the top hockey player on ESPN's "Poor Guy" list, a collection of great athletes on pitiable teams. (satire)

'Charles': Isles Fan's In-Air Exchange with Wang

On a red-eye flight back to New York, a lone Islanders fan & team owner Charles Wang engaged in a note-passing conversation in an incredible story which unfolded on Twitter but was missed by the world at large. (parody)

Self-Destructing Isles Introduce Second Mascot

Losers of eight straight and sporting the NHL's worst penalty kill, half a dozen slumping forwards and inadequate goaltending, the New York Islanders have brought along a new friend to delight fans of all ages - Dolly the Snow Girl! (satire)

Isles Primer for Western Conference Teams & Fans

The New York Islanders begin a five game road trip against some Western Conference teams that probably have no idea that the islanders are still in the NHL. Fortunately, we at Lighthouse Hockey watch the Islanders so you don't have to.

Zeitgeist: Isles fans flock to annual Drift Party

Despite being cancelled last season, the yearly event in which Islanders fans say goodbye to their favorite team and move on their lives is bigger and more popular than ever. (satire)

Efficiency, Thy Name Is Eric Boulton.

Eric Boulton needs not gobs of games nor ice time to make his presence felt on the scoresheet.

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