FanPost

Embattled GM Snow Reveals Offseason Plans

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BROOKLYN, NY - Speaking on a conference call with reporters yesterday from his Barclays Center cubicle, embattled New York Islanders GM Garth Snow revealed his plans for the upcoming offseason, repeatedly referencing goaltending as his team's biggest need and the object of his sexual desires.

Snow, a former goalie himself who played for five NHL teams over twelve seasons, promised to "shake things up" this summer, most notably through a plan to acquire "at least sixteen goaltenders to fill this barren roster from top-to-bottom." Snow declined to elaborate further, adding only that "top-to-bottom...is how idiots button their dress shirts."

Seemingly oblivious to the NHL rule prohibiting teams from icing multiple goaltenders, the mercurial Snow appears intent on plowing forward with his plan, even after receiving widespread criticism for his decision to keep three goalies on the active roster for most of the last two seasons. Despite the objective dumbassery of this decision, Snow curiously stands by it.

"No, not really," said the defiant Snow when asked whether rostering eighteen goalies, zero forwards and zero defensemen was impractical or excessive. "You fail to account for the possibility that Christopher Gibson might get injured. I bet you didn't even consider that, did you? Idiot."

Naturally, this news has sent shock-waves rippling through the literally rabid fan base across Long Island and Brooklyn. "F*ck," remarked longtime season ticket holder Sal Tessio, of Woodmere. "First, that squirrel gives me rabies...now this?"

Fans aren't alone in their frustrations, as some hockey insiders are furious with the front office head. One such insider, power agent Allan Walsh, took to Twitter to blast the dopey GM:

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Yet perhaps no one has been impacted more by Snow's lunacy than former third-string goaltender, J.F. Berube. "My career is in shambles," lamented the soft-spoken netminder. "I'm going to murder Garth Snow. I'm not kidding," he warned before pausing to contemplate the depth of his hatred for the hapless hockey executive. "Can we keep that part off the record? How does that work, exactly? Do I have to say that before revealing my murderous intent?" (Yes, JF, you were just a little too late here, I'm afraid. Sorry. - Ed.) "I'd just prefer to not get caught," continued the snail-munching Québécois. "But whatevs, man...I'm still going to kill Garth Snow. Book it."

At press time, sources in and around the eco-friendly basketball venue reported spotting a "belligerent" Snow at the nearby Shake Shack, berating employees for not recognizing him and refusing to let him skip the line. "This guy comes in and just starts freaking out," said stoned Shake Shack super-fan Chester "Cheese Fries" Friedman. "So I got up, went to the counter and ordered some more shallots, cause I just love those things, ya know? You want some?" (Um...yes and yes. - Ed.)

Disclaimer: none of this is true.

Trivia: Can you correctly identify all 15 goalies depicted? The first person to do so will receive a special prize. Hint: all are either current or former Islanders. I didn't get too obscure here in the hopes that least one of you can get 'em all right. Good luck.

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