Zeitgeist: Governor Cuomo declares state of emergency for Islanders

Wesley Hitt

Albany urges Long Island residents to stay far away from the treacherous conditions projected for their hockey team, and to be wary of threats posed by basketball and baseball too.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo on Friday declared a state of emergency for the New York Islanders amid the prolonged futility that's pounded their fans into anger and apathy for most of the last 20 NHL seasons.

Cuomo urged all Long Island residents to avoid news and conversation about the team, stay off social media and securely barricade themselves from the harsh conditions brought on by exposure to the Islanders. The Governor has yet to close any roads going into or out of Nassau Coliseum, but he left open the possibility if losing conditions worsen.

"We've got to keep people away from the Islanders," Cuomo said. "If you absolutely don't need to watch them, do the smart thing and stay clear of them."

The declaration advised residents not be fooled by the performances of the team's current roster because forecasters expect misfortune, erosion of talent, injuries or managerial incompetence to ruin the careers of once promising players in due course.

"We've got to keep people away from the Islanders. If you absolutely don't need to watch them, do the smart thing and stay clear of them." - New York Governor Andrew Cuomo

Cuomo also said he has authorized the state government to divert resources to fans seeking help and shelter from the perpetually inferior and embarrassing hockey club. Reports have indicated that thousands of families across Long Island are suffering from depleted supplies, low morale, bitter disappointment, uncontrollable rage and pervasive indifference for sports as a direct result of the damage the Islanders have caused.

"We're looking at a dangerous mix of everything," Cuomo said. "It starts with incompetent general manager Garth Snow, which will eventually give way to enigmatic, cheap and unlikable owner Charles Wang. At some point, it turns to an ineffective and clueless coaching staff led by some guy named Jack Capuano. That persistent combination has already brought about record lows not seen in in this area in centuries.

"Citizens should take care and prepare themselves with something else to do other than devoting any attention to this pathetic, will-sapping franchise."

As of Friday morning, some parts of the Island have already seen a substantial increase in the fan protests and online petitions devoted to Snow's firing and calling for Wang to sell the team over their normal highs for this time of year. A new blast, brought on by Wednesday's trade of winger Thomas Vanek to the Montreal Canadiens for some Swedish kid nobody's ever heard of, caused even more damage than forecasters originally anticipated.

Several other communities have reported whole blocks of people that have given up on the team and left it to rot outside like an old, hollowed-out car propped up on cinder blocks.

"This is the worst I've ever seen," said Phil Hooksman from Shirley, who was on his way to buy milk, bottled water, bread and DVDs from a local King Kullen. "I just want to get what I need and get home before the Islanders come up again."

The Hockey News has issued a worthless team warning until at least 2017. A high disappointment advisory is also in effect until the NHL free agency period begins in July.

The Islanders have already caused scattered system-wide delays in children enjoying the fun and excitement of professional sports. Endless losing, favorite players traded and angry parents have brought the team's reach and profile even in its own territory to a standstill.

"My son doesn't want to have anything to do with them, " said Wendy Monday of Bay Shore. "Probably best to just to stay inside and keep him safe."

A traffic map of on the state's emergency services website reported that most of the Islanders' players were planning evacuation routes out of Nassau County as soon as their contracts expire. The governor recommends that the players abandon the franchise before their best years are wasted on a team that refuses to support and develop them properly. Helicopters, ambulances and police escorts will be standing by to rush them out if necessary.

Cuomo urged both residents and players to listen for emergency broadcasts detailing up-to-the-minute information on protecting themselves from the dangers of the Islanders.

"When these losses are more frequent, they're more ferocious," Cuomo said. "Don't get confident, even during a lull. Another storm will be right around the corner and will dump more and more on top of fans before they know it. Stay tuned and stay away from the Islanders."

The governor also declared a state of emergency for the New York Knicks and a pre-emptive air quality alert for the upcoming New York Mets season.

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This is, obviously, not a real advisory from the governor. Agree or disagree, find it funny or not, don't be assholes in the comments, please.

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