Lighthouse Hockey's unlicensed meteorologists are predicting a cold one out there when the New York Islanders face the New York Rangers at Yankee Stadium in the Bronx on Wednesday night.
"We are still running simulations, but our latest models tell us it should be colder than a witch's [redacted] in a brass bra," said LHH weather hobbyist Palffy2Figren89.
The temperature when the puck drops around 7:40 p.m. tonight is expected to be somewhere near colder than a mother$%^er.
"Using our doppler radar PsychicCast module, we expect temperatures in the teens, and maybe some winds or something like that in that big stadium," Palffy2Figren89 explained. "Basically, the only ones more miserable than the backup goalies will be the fans who will be out in this madness."
"And by 'madness' I mean willingly subjecting themselves to so much Coors Light." (Ed. note: It's unclear how, exactly, but sources say Coors Light, a "beer" brand, is somehow associated with the series of NHL games being held in outdoor venues this year.)
Lighthouse Hockey's go-to weather experts uncovered another novelty about tonight's game: "So I just discovered that apparently 14 degrees is also like, below zero on that 'C' scale," said Nino25sick, LHH assistant head of weather. "That's like, that sounds freezing, man."
"Basically it's colder than a mother-in-law's kiss out there," he or she said. "Expect to see dogs sticking to fire hydrants, something about brass monkey balls, and a few colloquial references to hell."
Because Lighthouse Hockey has your safety and comfort in mind, we
will no longer cover the Islanders offer you these helpful tips for staying warm tonight.
But seriously, have fun if you're going tonight. And don't forget if you're in the neighborhood beforehand, stop by Stout to say hello to a bunch of LHH penmen before they head to the game.
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