By now, the world has seen the video of John Tavares' grueling off-season workout. The newly-minted uses some of the most advanced technology and techniques to bring his body to the peak of physical excellence. captain
The good news for us mortals is that we don't need fancy equipment or a dedicated, knowledgeable coach to get the true Tavares Workout at home. With these simple instructions, anyone can move just a little bit closer to achieving a state of full Tavares-ness.
PART I: TRAINING
Tavares runs 20 30-yard sprints and his speed is clocked by laser.
Home Version: Set up two flashlights on either side of your house. Turn both flashlights on and run from one to the other until the batteries run out.
Depth Jumps with Medicine Ball
Tavares throws a 20 pound medicine ball into the air while jumping off a box. (5 reps).
Home Version: Drive 100 galvanized ring-shank nails into a large watermelon. Jump off your couch while throwing the nail-filled watermelon as high as you can
Explosive Hip Thrusts
Tavares lifts a 200-pound barbell using his hips and holds for 5 seconds (5 reps).
Home Version: Buy a marble coffee table. Lift and hold for 5 seconds. Try to use your hips in there somehow. (Note: if your name is Rick DiPietro, please do not attempt the Explosive Hip Thrusts.)
Bench Press on Balls
With a 65-pound dumbbell in each hand while lying on a Swiss exercise ball, Tavares presses each arm straight up (2 sets, 6 reps).
Home Version: Lay with your back on an ottoman and place your feet on the floor. Grab two 7-year-old kids by the collar, one in each hand, and alternate pressing each kid into the air (2 sets, 6 reps or until the kids start crying).
Medicine Ball Throws
Tavares hurls a heavy medicine ball at a gym wall, hoping to blast a hole into the adjacent building. (Lateral throws: 5 reps. Cross-body throws 5 reps).
Home Version: Steal a co-worker's computer monitor off his/her desk and throw it at the nearest wall. Repeat until monitor is no longer in one piece. If necessary, take a monitor from a different co-worker every day.
Tavares sprints backwards, pulling a 240-pound sled 2-3 yards at a clip (4 sets).
Home version: Take every loose item out of your house and squeeze it into a 30-gallon garbage can. Tie one end of a nylon rope around your waist and the other end around the garbage can's handle. Now run.
Tavares uses a super-absorbent towel to wipe the extraneous sweat off of his face.
Home Version: Wipe your face.
PART II: NUTRITION
The second big part of the Tavares Workout is a healthy diet. John follows a very strict regimen that dictates what he can eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
But, in the interest of convenience, here's how to get all of the recommended Tavares vitamins and nutrients in a single, easy-to-make and delicious smoothie.
- One Green Apple
- Two tablespoons of Almond Butter
- Three pounds of kale
- One ostrich egg
- Two cans Starkist Albacore Tuna
- One pound lean ground buffalo
- One gallon of goat milk
- One teaspoon of honey (for sweetness)
- Ten packets, Lemon Lime Jell-O gelatin mix
Combine all ingredients into an industrial mixer and blend until smooth. Garnish with a sprig of mint and enjoy six times a day.
PART III: EXTRA WORK
Going above and beyond the main training program is what makes John Tavares the he-man that he is and is an essential part of the Tavares Workout.
After completing all of the above steps, it's important to pick up any odd jobs you can find around town, such as painting all of your neighbor's houses (both interiors and exteriors), walking any dogs they have or filing their income taxes.
Then, get some sleep! You'll do it all again tomorrow.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T ACTUALLY DO THESE THINGS THIS IS A WORK OF SATIRE YOU CAN KILL YOURSELF DOING THIS DON'T BE STUPID!
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