Editor's Note: If this fictional (and mathematically sketchy) world is foreign to you, orient yourself back at the beginning and then catch up as these exit interviews continued here and here, plus here, and here, here and here...plus this one on Strait and Visnovsky, we think...
Cappy: Ok, Ullstrom was 41, so 42.....43....Dougie?
Cappy: 44.....45....46.....47 -
Amac: Me. I'm here. Let's do this.
Cappy: OK, another one of those guys named after another guy on the team: you are the MacDonald with an "A" in there, unlike the burger joint I used to frequent, of which the one in Cranston has a plaque of me on the wall. Bet you didn't know that, didja Dougie?
Dougie: Actually, I did. You showed it to me last summer.
Cappy: Right. That was a big day, boys. Had to go back and tell the owner I wasn't going to be going in there anyway; damn near broke his heart. But once I started working on these abs, baby, no looking back.
Amac: Except that time you had a meltdown and went to Shake Shack, right?
Cappy: That's either here or there, Andy. OK, let's get to it. Another Dman, you play with Hamonic a lot - did you know he tried to sell you out and get a batter pahtner?
Amac: Don't care.
Cappy: Just saying. I'd wanna know if my D partner was gonna stab me in the back.
Amac: He's not gonna stab me in the back. Next question.
Cappy: OK, you played a lot. Not that I trust you, exactly, honeslty I'm only always tapping your back cause you keep sitting right in front of me. I mean, if Grabner sat there, he'd get 20 minutes a night.
Amac: I'll find a new spot. Next.
Cappy's phone rings: Your quatah, staht tal....yeah, you just left, like not even five minutes ago....what do you mean it wasn't you....it was you?....oh, but not you from "now"?.....So when was that "you" from?....OK, so, let me make sure I'm following - the "You" I'm talking to on this phone is the "Future You." The "You" that signed that paper was a "Past You" - wait - did that "Past You" really leave through Door 7?.....Bastahd, trying to trick us, is he? You got to be faster in the morning to fool me, Dougie - change Grahbner to door 14. OK, Grabs - where is the "Present You"?.....oh....well, that's a problem.....Matty Mo - you still got that Time Machine from your technical school?
Moulson: I went to Cornell, bro. And I still got it, yeah. Bourne and I like to get sto...uh...we like to visit the dinosaurs.
Cappy: Which period?
Bourne: Cretaceous mostly, I like T-Rex's. Matty like's the ceratopsians.
Moulson: I like to pretend that those big heads are dinosaur hats. Laughs, has a little coughing fit.
Cappy: Meh. I'm more of a Triassic guy myself, but to each his own. Anyway, I got Future Grabner on the phone, says Past Grabner is running around trying to replace Present Grabner. No one knows where Present Grabner is. Matty, get the time machine, call Butchie and sort this out. Dougie - pass me a Vitamin Water. OK, Andy MacDonald....ummm....I guess we're done? Door?
Amac: I'm not leaving yet, I'm going with Mouls in the time machine.
Cappy: Well, when you get back and then leave, which door? I need it for my notes.
Amac: I dunno. I'm going to try to go back far enough in time that you're never born and we have a real coach?
Cappy: Look at this guy! You trying out for Marty Reasoner's job? I like it, Andy. I like where you're heading with this. Now get outta here before I staht cracking up. OK Dougie, while they get the whole time travel thing going, who's next?
Dougie: #51 - Frans Nielsen.
Cappy: Shit....I'm going in the cage, hold on....Cappy climbs into a shark cage; puts on chain mail, a fire retardant suit and a biohazard suit. Never know what's gonna set this guy off. Can't be too safe Dougie. You just gonna sit there unprotected?
Dougie: I'm gonna take my chances.
Cappy: Brave man, Dougie. Ok, everyone get ready...UNLEASE THE NIELSEN!
Frans Nielsen walks in and sits down.
Cappy: OK - now, take your time, and when you're ready, you just let Dougie know which door you plan on leaving from. Also, know it's not binding. You tell me 8 and go through 11, no harm done. Gahth may not like it, but he understands how things work.
Frans: OK, probably 4. I usually park near there. Did you want to discuss my performance? ... Gum, Dougie?
Dougie: Sure...mmmm....wintermint, my favorite. Thank you.
Frans: My pleasure. Jack? Gum?
Cappy: NOOOOOOO!....I mean, no thank you. I'm fine.
Frans: Did you want to speak about my performance this year?
Cappy: Well, I mean, what's to say? It was fantastic. Almost perfect.
Frans: Thank you. I work very hard in the off season.
Cappy: Oh, sure. We all notice. I mean, when you make a pass? Holy cow. Or take a shot, or score or play defense. It's like poetry, Fransy. I'm going back 40+ years and I'm saying single most dominating performance I've seen - regular and post season - by any one human -
Frans: Your words are kind.
Cappy: - since Mahty Reasonah's 2008 - 2009 campaign in Atlanta - guy scored 14 goals, in 79 games! Can you imagine if he had played the whole season? I think we'd all be like, "Wayne Gretzky who? Bobby Orr what?" Right?....
A dead silence fills the office. Frans takes a deep breath.
Cappy: Uh oh....his phone rings. Hello Gahth....yes, he's right in front of me....little drool, some black smoke rising from the general eye area.....I did, yeah, but I mean, you know Mahty dominated that year, and he missed all those -.....ok....OK, I got it....I don't see the Blood Rain, we got no windows down here....Power Play time? Sure....I mean now that Mah....sorry....now that we got an opening on PP1 (Josh Bailey giggles), I was of course going to give it to Frans....it stopping out there?....ok, great....the smoke is back to a see through white, not that scary black shit......you got it.....hangs up.
OK, so....um...great season, fantastic, you know what, I'm getting a goddamn tattoo after I finish here that says "51 2013", in fact, I think everyone is going to get one...right, boys?
General agreement throughout.
Frans: Listen to me, mortals. Do you think that cage can stop me if I choose to rip you to pieces? Chain mail? Hazmat suits? Breakfast foods for me. You will not get that stupid idea for a tattoo for you are not worthy to have 51 printed anywhere upon your bodies. I will accept your PP1 (Josh Bailey giggles) time and I will run that power play as I see fit. I will mostly like go it alone -
Frans: OK, I will go it alone with Tavares.
JT: That works. Everyone cool with that? I'm cool with that.
Frans: Then so shall it be as it is written in the Book of Frans, Chapter 6, verse 9. OK, then, door 4, have a great summer fellas.
Frans gets up, smiles quickly and leaves. No one moves for a full minute except Tavares who has begun plotting out a 2 man power play on the chalk board.
Cappy: Is it safe?
Thomas Hickey: Yeah, it's safe. He's gone....I tried to film that, but once you brought up Reasoner all of my instruments got wacky.
Dougie: Happens all the time, Thomas. Don't be hard on yourself. (Josh Bailey giggles.)
Cappy: Christ, that was close....phew....worst part of the job, right there. So that was 51. 52 is Finley, he went already. Matty - how's the time machine coming?
Moulson: Cool. My wife is driving it over now.
Cappy: Excellent. Dougie, Who's up?