Cappy's Final Exit Interview: Part XI (b): And This Too Shall Pass

Exit interviews? I LOVE THOSE! - USA TODAY Sports

Ed. Note: A surreal saga, born in comments but "green'd" into wider distribution because the story must be heard...

So I said the previous installment was 11, but it seems it was 10, which would make this one 11, hence the "(b)". :D Here are the previous installments: Streit; Hamonic; Martinek, Joenssu, Ullstrom; Carkner, Aucion, Viz; Bailey, CMc, Hickey; Finley, Reasoner, Martin; KO, Nabby, Thomas, Lee, Nelson; Boyes, Boulton; Strait, Grabner, Viz (again); Amac, Frans;

Dougie: Casey Cizikas. You're up.

Cizikas: Wow, ok. This is so cool. Hi.

Cappy: I got lots of notes on you, Casey. I got a picture here of a dog with a bone, with a 53 on his cape. This is about the highest praise I can give.

Cizikas: Wow. Alright. I love dogs.

Cappy: I got another one here with a dog with a 53 cape and a bone and another dog in a different color cape crying cause he can't get his bone back from the first dog.

Cizikas: That's just, wow. That's like the nicest thing ever.

Cappy: BUT - I also got a picture of a dog with a cape with number 53 with a stick and a puck standing next a net, but there are no pucks in the net, Casey.

Cizikas: Oh...wow...I'm not sure exactly what....

Cappy: Gotta get more goals, Casey.

Cizikas: Oh, yeah, man, like that's totally my thing this summer. I love scoring goals, Coach.

Cappy: OK, which door?

Cizikas: Man, I've been thinking, and I checked out all the doors this morning, and they're all so cool and nice but, man....

Cappy: 7.

Cizikas: You got it.

Cappy: Moulson - how's the time machine coming?

Moulson: Good. I'm a little bit tweaky right now cause of the LS...uhhh...coffee? But like it should be good to go. Watch out for the snakes...that a snake?....no, that's just a cotton ball. Sometimes the cotton balls turn into heads on snakes and try to eat me. Laughs.

Cappy: That's why I don't drink Starbucks, Matty. Anyone got any ideas where Grabs would be if he was going to run through time? I'm thinking 1982 cause that's where I go. Check out an Asia concert. See a Sawks game: Yaz was awe inspiring in '82, Dougie.

Tavares: Doesn't make sense. Grabs wasn't born til '87.

Cappy: Maybe he wants to keep his parents from meeting?

Amac: Maybe he's waiting at Fenway to kill you so we don't have to put up your shit?

Cappy: Not a bad plan. And I like where you're going with this Mahty stuff, Andy. Not bad.

Amac: Thanks.

Cappy: Gotta work on your accent though. So...we done with these friggin interviews now? Can we get onto more important things? Like....I dunno...when's Breaking Bad back on?

DP: Guys, I think I got skipped.

REAL awkward silence. Moulson goes back to work on the time machine, Cizikas crawls under a desk, Amac chuckles, Frans Nielsen whistles and birds fly in and land on his shoulders and rays of sunshine pour through the cement walls and the world knows peace for a brief minute. Cappy doodles and Dougie picks up a garbage can, and examines the underside of it. Josh Bailey hides under his blankie. KO continues to do pushups. Butchie walks in.

Butchie: OK, Jack, I'm here to help with the Time -He glares at Justin Bourne. What the hell is he doing here? I'm sorry Jack, but I'm not doing anything with this time machine until Bourne pays me back my $5.

Justin Bourne: What? No, huh? That was my dad.

Butchie: Well, I don't see what difference that makes. Same bloodline. $5 almost 30 years ago. We were in Roosevelt Field mall, and Bobby said he wanted some pizza and had to get Mike Bossy a pack of smokes, so he asked me for the money. I gave it to him, he got his pizza, a large Coca Cola and since Sbarro's didn't sell cigarettes back then, he said he had to walk to the cigarette store and I never saw him again. Way I see it, you owe me $5.

Justin Bourne: I...uh...well, honestly....Mouls - can I borrow $5?

Moulson: Totally. Here.

Butchie: And the Bourne Debt Cycle continues. Well, at least I'm out of it. You guys are worse than the Rothschilds. Thank you, Justin. Debt settled. I'd charge you interest but I've never been clear on how it works, so you can just buy me a milkshake sometime and we'll call it even.

Cizikas: I love milkshakes. Strawberry especially....but I mean, they're all good.

Moulson: I don't like the coffee ones.

Cizikas: I love coffee. Not the head eating snake kind so much...but just like regular coffee. Hazelnut is real good. I like that too.....or amaretto.

DP: So, am I next?

Cappy: Dougie, here's the plan. I'm just gonna turn my back and just keep increasing my volume in the hopes that he goes away. Is it working?

Dougie: No.

Cappy: Dammit. Ricky, listen. I'm not sure what's going on, but whatever it is, it's above my pay grade. I'd suggest you call Garth or Mr. Wang or someone that's not me or anywhere near this room right now.

DP: Is it....

Cappy: You know anything about time machines and/or la capella?

DP: No, not really.

Cappy: Then I can't help you. Call Garth. Now, are we done?

JT: I didn't go yet. And I'm not gonna go, but I still want to talk. Jack, Dougie, Brent, sit down. I got some notes on you guys. Zeeker - call Garth, I want him down here too. Let's get started...Dougie - put me down for Door 8, just to get that out of the way. OK - Brent - you're a little nuts, kind of intense. I'm not gonna lie, there are times I think you may actually hurt yourself or someone, but I think if it came to that, all interested parties would agree it was probably deserved. I'm giving you a C. You need to work on your media relations, and basic human communication over the summer.

Brent Thomson: I.....the HATRED FUELS MY.....RAAAAAAAAAAGEEEE............ok.....thanks.....

JT: Dougie, love the passion and the fire. Power play needs consistency. Let's focus there.

Dougie: Agreed. And thanks for the opportunity, Johnny, I won't let you down.

JT: Overall grade: B-. Now, Jack...I dunno, you're kind of a mess.

Cappy: You should see my room, RIGHT? WHOA NOW! Oh man. Sometimes I'm just quicker than...like those fast things. Right, Andy?

Amac: I'm not going to be your wing man, Coach. Don't talk to me.

JT: I think I speak for everyone when I say I can't believe you're still here. Even more amazingly, you got us to the playoffs. I don't know how much you had to do with that, but I guess I have to give you credit. Now, it's probably a little high, but I don't see you ever getting graded again in the NHL, so I'm giving you a B.

Cappy: Dougie?

Dougie: A "B" is very good, Jack.

Cappy: What's the highest?

Dougie: An "A" is the highest.

Cappy: But B is higher than A. So I did better than an A. So basically, I did better than awesome. I been telling people that.

Dougie: Well, no...but... a B is....know what, you're right. A "B" is the Best. How's that? B is for Best.

Cappy: Love it. Getting that tattooed on me this summah. Right here next to this B I got for the Bruins. No, I'm gonna put it on my other arm. Then when I pull out the guns people will see "B B" and be like, "LOOK OUT, CAPPY'S SHOOTING BBs AT US!" Oh man, I gotta think of a good line for when I whip out the guns at the beach this summah, Dougie. Anyone comes up with one, text me AtSAP. We clear?

Garth Snow walks in.

Snow: I'm going to assume that since I wasn't visited in my nightmares by a Dark Scandinavian Evil Hell Elf, Frans didn't summon me. So that leaves one person with the balls to disturb me. Johnny, what's going on....oh, hey, Rick...I uh, I didn't know you were gonna be here...can you go wait for me in my office?

DP: You got it. Ricky leaves.

Cappy: Honestly, love the guy, but WOW. That was awkward. Cappy hands Snow the list of doors.

Snow: Thank you....what are these numbers?

Cappy: Those are the doors everyone is leaving from.

Snow: Doors?

Cappy: Yeah...from the exit interviews.

Snow: Exit...right. Got it. You never fail to amaze me, Jack. I don't even have words for this.

Cappy: Thanks. I worked hahd on that list. Took over an hour. I'm pretty much exhausted.

Snow: I bet...Now, let's stop wasting my time and get to business. Johnny, get to it.

JT: OK, couple of things. Long deals for Hammer and Bailey. Sign Clutterbuck, Regin and Bouchard.

Snow: Clutterbuck, Regin and Bouchard? You guys starting an a capella band or something? ...... Oh come on. It's a childish dream, boys.

Cappy: It's always been my childish dream, and Johnny is on board. I never ask for nothing from you. This, I ask.

Snow: Clutterbuck is RFA. I'm not gonna offer sheet him for some stupid a cappela band.

JT: Offer them Nino.

Snow: THANK YOU! Done. Next?

JT: We think Grabner is lost in time again.

Snow: I figured that as soon as I saw Butchie. Nothing I can do about that. You guys figure it out.

JT: Now why don't you take a seat and I'll give you your assessment.

Snow: This a joke? You're gonna assess me?

JT: You got a problem with that?

Cappy: OK, he we go boys, been waitin' all yeuh for this one.

Justin Bourne: OK, this is way scarier than the Zenedon Prime Countdown, bro. Not as scary as the head eating snake though....

Moulson: Give it time.

Josh Bailey's blankie crawls very quickly into the shower room, KO stops doing pushup and switches to sit ups, albeit very close to the exit. Thomas Hickey follows Garth Snow with the camera as Snow pulls up a chair and sits across from JT. Dougie, Cappy and Thompson get up and stand well behind Snow.

Snow: So this is how it's gonna be, Johnny? We gonna sit here, stare each other down, like some kind of dick measuring contest?

JT: I got a ruler, let's do it.

Snow: What? No...that's not a literal term. It's a hypothetical.

JT: Literal, figurative, whatever. I'm not scared.

Snow: You're not even the captain of this team.

JT: That's actually #5 on my list here. I'm assuming we can just cross that off then?

Snow: I'm thinking that's a safe assumption. Let's get to it, Johnny. Assess away.

JT: Well, I got a bunch of columns here: In season moves, trades, call ups, trade deadline moves, Free Agent Signing, RFA Signings, Press Conferences, Draft Day moves....they're all pretty much blank.

Snow: Well...ahem...it's not like I just sit around, you know, playing video games all day, Johnny. I'm just, like, sticking to the plan....and shit.

JT: Mm hm.

Snow: I mean, obviously, there are some down moments where I do play some video games. It's only normal. It's very stress relieving. I got an NHL 09 team I built up, and I worked hard to get my little created guy to the NHL from the AHL - and I won EVERY major award my rookie season. Plus the Cup. I didn't see you do that your rookie season.

JT: Well, I don't play video games, Garth. I actually play hockey.

Snow: In addition, you should know that the in game trade engine has "advised" me on several deals. So clearly there's a job related aspect....though there hasn't been a roster update since like 2010, which is how we ended up with Marty Reasoner for multiple years; but I mean, it's more of an art than a science. Also, I finished Halo 4 in 7 hours.

Moulson: Holy shit. Really?

Snow: Yeah, on Legendary too.

Moulson: How is this dude NOT GM of the Year?

Butchie: Oh yup, I see it, Matty. The problem is with the Flux Capacitor.

JT: Wait- a flux capacitor? That's not a real thing...that's from Back to the Future.

Moulson: Well, technically it's a Temporal Phaser -

Butchie: Comes in real handy when you hit that fifth dimension, Howie.

Moulson: but Butchie and I really like saying Flux Capacitor.

Butchie: Flow Capacity. Love saying it. Denis Potvin used to call it a Punching Bag.

Amac: Denis Potvin had a time machine?

Butchie: We still talking about Boxcar Hospidar?

Amac: I'm not even....whatever.

Butchie: Yup. Clark Gillies sure did. So anyway, Matty - hand me one of them snake cotton balls and I'll cram it in here....and turn it.....Casey - pour some coffee over this thing....perfect, Matty, ok, turn it on.

The Time Machine whirs to life and an orange glow emits from it. Frans Nielsen being to undress.

Justin Bourne: What's he doing? Why is he getting naked?

Frans Nielsen: I want to go first. I want to go back to the first moment and challenge my then self to a battle vs my present self. It's been ages since I've engaged in a fair fight. I need this!

JT: Could you just do that without the time machine, Frans? I mean, I would think time travel would be more or less old hat for you....

Frans: Well, yes...that's true. I guess I just never really thought about it before...Well played, John Tavares. We shall dominate the power play this year. I am going home to sleep now. Leaves.

Snow: Honestly, that guy scares the shit out of me.

Cappy: OK, so, when are we going to find Grabs? Any ideas?

Dougie: Late 1930s maybe? Before the Nazi's annexed Austria. Maybe he's going to try to stop that.

Snow: Grabner?

Dougie: I mean...it's a pretty significant moment in Austrian history, right?

Cappy: Question: If I go back in time and buy antiques when they're new, is it still considered "antiquing"?

Dougie: No, that's just shopping.

Cappy: OK, I'm not going then. I don't like shopping. I get bored.

Grabner comes running in, stops short. Looks around.

Grabner: OK, sorry I'm late. Did I miss the interview? I overslept.

Cappy: Hold up...which Graber are you? Past, Present, Future?

Grabner: Uhh...hold on, I need to check my note....did I sign a document?

Cappy: Yes.

Grabner: Which # did I use?

Cappy: 7 - but future you said you left through 14.

Grabner: OK, hold on one second (looking at his notebook and talking to himself)- so I did the 7 thing, I can cross that off....and then call back to this date at this time - how long ago?

Cappy: 10 - 15 minutes or so.

Grabner: (writing again) about 10:15 and say "14" to whoever answers the phone. OK. Did I say anything about war, famine, pestilence, Danish Rage, the Omega Syndrome, my dog or son, the sun blowing up, "don't eat the chicken cordon blue in Barclays," the ending of Game of Thrones or the Rangers winning the Stanley Cup?

JT: I will call Frans and have him end this universe right now, so help me God.

Grabner: OK - got you! The last was a joke, but the other ones, not jokes. Nothing?

Cappy: Nope, just the basics.

Grabner: OK, I was hoping I'd have said something about the Game of Thrones things. But, whatever. So, that said, I am here for my interview.

Cappy: Which door?

Grabner: I don't use doors. I teleport.

Butchie: Technically Mike, you phase shift. Like a Temporal Phaser. Fifth Dimension stuff.

Grabner: This is true. I go fast and my atoms go in and out of dimensions and I find myself in other place. Yes. But either way, no doors.

Cappy: That's all I got. OH - next time you travel back in time, tell your young self to work on those high notes. We're gonna need them to beat Byslma at the La Capella Championships this year.

Grabner: OK (writes down a note)....and also, I have a note marked today, at this time to say, "Do not open the regionals with ‘Heat of the Moment' by Asia, it will not end well."

Cappy: Crap. That's my signature piece. Gahth - when you call Clutterbuck, ask him how his Steve Perry voice is. Probably gonna have to open with Journey instead. I'm trusting time traveling Grabs on this one.

JT: Chicago has some hits we can use.

Cappy: Nah, too slow. We need groove.

Moulson: What about Rush?

Cappy: How about no one outside of Canada likes Rush, Matty? Hm? How about that?

Justin Bourne: It's true.

JT: Really?

Dougie: Yeah.

Cizikas: I love Rush.

Snow: OK, we done here now? Grabs is back, I got your a cappella wish list, and I have this ridiculous list of doors. Dougie, come on now. You let him ask everyone about the doors? You're my "adviser."

Dougie: I thought it was funny. The guys were really into it. He thinks Reasoner is leaving through service entrance "GFY".

Cappy: I'm not following....

Snow: Nothing Jack, great job. I'd give you a C.

Cappy: A C? Johnny gave me a B! You're saying I did one better? HAHA, I knew it, Dougie. Getting the C tattoo on my chest. A B on each bicep, a C on my chest! I'm gonna kill it at Cape Cod this summer, boys.

Justin Bourne: He's really going to do that, isn't he?

Hickey: Oh, no doubt.

Cappy: OK boys, someone tell Coiner to pull the car around. I gotta get going. Quick detour to Tattoo Lou, then onto the ferry, be in Cranston by dinnah time. Enjoy the summah. Leaves.

JT: Once the a capella finals are over, he's gone, right?

Snow: Hopefully we're sitting in dead last and I can pull the trigger, Johnny...shit...I just remembered Ricky is waiting for me. Bourne, you have a Garth Snow impersonation?

Bourne: Nope.

Snow: Pills?

Bourne: Yup.

Snow: That'll work....Dougie, I hope you're ready for this.

Dougie: Huh? Me?

Snow: Yeah, you're my assistant and I say get to work.

Snow and Dougie leave. Tavares is switching between browser tabs listing Journey songs, "Do only Canadians really like Rush?", and various gyms within 30 miles. Moulson and Bourne are setting the dates on the time machine to the Triassic, Butchie is looking at his tie - confused. Amac is bouncing a handball off a wall while Okposo does more pushups. Josh Bailey is napping with his thumb in his mouth. Cizikas is smiling. Thomas Hickey does a slow pan with the camera across the locker room, slowly fading to black.

Black.

Cizikas: So....am I done? .......Awesome.

FIN.

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