Cappy Exit Interviews: #7 Matt Carkner, #10 Keith Aucoin, #11 Lubomir Visnovsky

Mine head! Return to me, O dearest head! - USA TODAY Sports

In Part IV of an unspecified number of Exit Interviews, Islanders head coach Jack Capuano continues his year end assessments of those who played for him this season....and a special guest.

Dramatis Personae:

Jack Capuano

Dougie Weight

Matt Carkner

Matt Moulson

Keith Aucoin

Rick DiPietro

Thomas Hickey

John Tavares

With Special Guest Star: Justin Bourne

* * *

Cappy: OK #7 - Carkner - Big Mark, how's it going?

Carkner: aside: A matter so trivial, yet mine blood

Does boil of the injustice bore me.

To Cappy: Good Sir, Capuano, tis but a name.

Yet mine own is Matthew; "Matt" calleth me.

Cappy: Close enough. It seems kinda dumb to ask people to come in just to ask them what door they're leaving from, but "say la vee" as the Romans say. Which door you leaving from?

Carker: aside O ye bitter creatures, this ceaseless

Pondering of DOORS! DOORS! DOORS! MORE DOORS!

To Cappy: Should I choose 7, what then? Will the gods

Send nymphs to question me? What are the odds?

Cappy: Atta Boy, Matty. Keep 'em guessing. I still can't believe you got a multi-year from Gahth. How did you pull that off?

Carkner: aside: Clearly this inquiry is in jest for

What part of humanity concerns themselves

With this most vile tedium of facts?

TURN HELLHOUND, TURN! Be it science you want?

To Cappy: In all manner of the feats of men did I

Triumph over him. Greek-Roman Wrestling,

Arm-wrestling and shooting of the skeets.

Cappy: You beat Garth in skeet shooting? No way. I ain’t buying it. Guys a skeet shooting beast.

Carkner: aside: Does Fate not play a part in this mine role?

Do the trees not shout my name as I weep?

Why trees, WHY? Why are you not shouting? WHY?

To Cappy: Is not wine the manner in which we drink

Away all of this life’s unkindnesses?

Do not fair maidens cause wayward glances?

Cappy: Att boy, Matty, Get him drunk and get some broads to distract him. Been there done that, right Dougy?

Moulson enters, looks around wide eyed.

Moulson: Yo, like, uh, sorry to interrupt, but I gotta sit down.

Cappy: Whoa, Matty Mo – we’re not even close to your number yet.

Moulson: No, I know, but I just like, gotta sit. I won’t say nothing, I just like, need to sit.

Cappy: Understood, we’ve all been there Matty. I gotta bean bag chair in the office. Use that.

Moulson: Really? Sweet! I’ll just sit over there…and like mind my business….and shit.

Cappy: OK, back to Mark….

Carkner: aside: The name mine mother has given is "Matt,"

This has been covered once, vile pigdog.

Armegeddon calls for thee, pile of spit!.

To Cappy: Matt, good sir. We have covered this before.

Cappy: Yup…ok, looking at my notes…

Moulson’s phone rings

Moulson: Yo….dude….giggles a bit….No way I should have taken both, bro. I figured I’d be done by now but not even close….Carkner now….lots of hypotheticals, yes…..yeah, Martinek took a long time…..I know, I didn’t think so either….shits just kicking in, but it’s cool, Cappy has a bean bag chair….let me ask – Cappy – you have another one of these?

Cappy: I did, but it got some … stuff on it and we had to toss it. I woulda kept it, but everyone says "you can’t keep that - it’s gross" so whaddya gonna do? I got a couch in there though.

Dougie: That’s pretty gross too.

Moulson: into the phone: No, just the one…but he’s got a couch….leather?

Cappy: Nah. Cloth or whatevah.

Moulson: Not leather, no….ok, cool. You close by? …. Oh shit, you’re here already? Dude, just come down…allright, cool.

Cappy: You done Matty? Can I get back to my job?

Moulson: Totally. Raisinette?

Cappy: I really shouldn’t, but….hell, the seasons over, we made the playoffs. I can indulge, Dougie, right?

Dougie: Probably shouldn’t, but it’s not gonna kill ya.

Cappy: Atta Boy, Dougie.

Justin Bourne walks in.

Cappy: Who the hell is this guy?

Justin Bourne: Don’t mind me, I’m just a dude. MATTY MO! How’s that shit feeling?

Moulson: Sweet bro. I’m really feeling it now.

Bourne: I’m still waiting on mine to kick in. Should be soon. Dougie – give me a hand with the couch.

Dougie: Sure. You wanna move it next to Moulson?

Bourne: Yeah. That’ll work.

Cappy: OK, Carker, while they do that…I don’t really have anything else for you. I’d give you the whole "I doubt you’re gonna be back next year" spiel, but well, somehow, that doesn’t apply. You believe this guy, Dougie? Three years? Guys not even from New England.

Dougie: No. I really don’t.

Cappy: I mean, it’s not like he’s some overhyped goalie on some stupid 15-20 year contract –

DP: I’M RIGHT HERE, man.

Cappy: Hey – Ricky. No worries, I was talking about Luongo.

DP: Oh….ok. Sorry about that.

Cappy: Well, whatevah. Enjoy the summer, Marky.

Carkner: aside Oh but the wellest of fares he bids me,

But yay do I know it. Behind those eyes,

Steely and cold, this one plots my demise.

To Cappy: Tis but a stage we prance upon in this

Season of the sun, sealed with Death’s last kiss.

Cappy: Yup. Right, ok, next – 8….9….10 – Coiner - no, wait. I’m gonna need a ride back to Cranston. We’ll talk then.

Aucoin: I’m not going that way.

Cappy: Didn’t Gahth tell you?

Aucoin: No….

Cappy: Yeah, you gotta drop me off then drop off something or other in Wistah.

Aucoin: Wistah? I’m not going that way. Plus Cranston’s nowhere neah Wistah.

Cappy: Change of plans. Usually DP makes the end of the yeah run, but he’s not here.

DP: I am here.

Cappy: I’m just gonna ignore him…probably for the best, right? Anyway, we need you to make a run. You gave us your word, Keith. You’re not going back on your word, are ya? I’d hate to have to tell the Gahth Father your word don’t mean much. Ain’t that right, Dougie.

Dougie: That’d be a damn shame.

Aucoin: Fine. I’ll be waiting in the cah.

Cappy: Att boy, Coinah. OK 11 – Lubo…lu….lubom…how do you say this?

Dougie: Lubomir.

Cappy: Lubomir Vi…viz…viznov….what’s this word?

Dougie: Visnovsky.

Cappy: Jesus. OK Lubomir Viz…viznovsky….LUBO……#11…..Am I saying that right? You out there?

Hickey: I don’t see him, coach. I know right after game 6 he sorta just took off. Just started running down Hempstead Tpke. Didn’t even take off his skates.

JT: I saw that too. He was screaming about "Freedom" or something.

Cappy: He is gonna be wickhad pissed when he finds out about that extension, boys. OK, let’s move on then…12 Bailey…Joshy? Where is Joshy. Someone find Josh Bailey, please. Check the bathroom and the maintenance closet. Oh – and check the fridge in the breakroom – maybe he got stuck in there again. And tell him I have Ring Pops.

___

Lighthouse Zeitgeist is the section of Lighthouse Hockey for satire, parody, the bizarre and anything else that captures the spirit of the times without actually, you know, literally being true. If you've taken it seriously, you probably take life too seriously. And, you know, should probably move on from sports.

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